Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Summer Trauma

It's been raining for two days.



This picture is proof.

I know, we need the rain. It's good for the earth. The farmer. The crops. I get it.

Rain is not good for swimming.

Oddly enough, the rain is not the summer trauma I'm talking about right now. (Well, not the only trauma.)

We've been watching the World Cup. USA lost. They played a great game! We loved every minute of it! We cheered from the couch! We never gave up! Just like team USA! I'm so proud. But, we lost.

To top it off, the 'powers that be' over at Dish Network decided today that the FREE HBO preview would end. No warning. Nothing. Just no more HBO.

Picture this.....

The boys all standing at the front door, watching the rain in their swim suits.... disbelief all over their faces. It rained yesterday mom.... two days of rain? During summer? It's too much. They change into regular clothes and switch on the TV.... long. dramatic. pause....... then hysteria!!!

MOM! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HBO?!?!?!?

Trauma always comes in three's.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sadness From the "Pit of My Swimming & Tanned Soul"

Vitamin D is a most excellent vitamin!  Probably my most favorite vitamin of all.

Tan is fastly becoming one of my favorite colors...and yes, it's a color, not just a 'neutral' anymore.  It's the color of my luscious sun-kissed skin during the summer time, provided to me by my favorite vitamin of all.


This past Friday (3-days from the date of this photo), I washed my car!  Always within 3 days of washing my car..........................

This week, my vitamin D intake has been sorely interrupted for 2 days!...........
Oh, the GLOOM!  The DISPAIR!  The AGONY!


I know rain is good...I live in a farming region!  But too much is just TOO much!!!

Where's my sunshine?  Where's my precious Vitamin D...my summer life's elixir?!



I'm saddened beyond belief today!  I can't seem to pull myself out of this horrible, sunless, tanless, pool-less quagmire of despair!  Oh the tears I shed today!!


Why did Big & Little have to pick this week to get in trouble and get grounded!?!

I'm stuck inside the house with the misbehaving & restricted children!!!

SUNSHINE....DELIVER ME!!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Today, I Did Not......

It's summer time and there are many things that my family, friends, and I do every day.  Some things are fun, some things are beneficial to us and others, and some things just have to be done.

 But today, there are tons of things that I DID NOT do!

Today, I did not..........

1.  fix my 6 yr. old bossy-whiney-Little breakfast after she said to my multiple suggestions, "I don't want that for breakfast!" and "Fruit is NOT breakfast food!"---I did, however, offer to once again show her the photos of the starving children in Africa online....she respectfully declined.

2.  offer my free dental advice and expertise to a strange man at the pool today....and that took almost all the restraint I had!

3.  design my 'Mother' under-the-boob-tattoo that seems to be "all the rage" among the strange adults at the pool today.

4.  ask the strange grown man playing with oodles & skads of children he didn't even know if he was in violation of any registered pedophile laws.....and that took the rest of my restraint.

5.  drown any children who, while innocently and joyously splashing about or playing at the pool, kicked me/jumped on me/bumped me/elbowed me /or asked me the same question 62 times.  You're welcome, CPS & all local ER's.

6.  parent too many other people's children who were making poor life-choices by:  using inappropriate language for pre to teenage kids, remaining completely intertwined like a two-headed snake with a boy/girlfriend while in the pool or hot tub and very near elementary aged children who stared with a diligence that might result in an impromptu 'birds-bees' conversation, and making stupid remarks regarding the safety rules of the pool at break-time...I cannot be held responsible for the aforementioned children's choice to leave the pool upon being enlightened by me as to the necessity of said pool-safety-during-break-rules...

7.  call a weird boy 'Capri-Pants' boy......well, at least not to his face....or, maybe not in ear-shot.

8.  offer weight-loss advice to a pool-patron chowing down on a boat full of concession-stand-nachos while explaining the nuances of Weight Watchers...but I did stare in total disbelief!

9.  stand on the diving board and sing my personally-composed medley of Donny Osmond hits....today I remained in my chair for this performance.

10.  And...today, I did not punch Sassy in the face when she said "SHUT UP and GET AWAY FROM ME!"  I wish I could say that there was no bodily contact...a boob-violation did occur, but Sassy still didn't get punched!

Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a brand new day!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

31 Flavors of Teenage Attitude!

I scream,
You scream,
We ALL scream for ice cream!

I LOVE ice cream!  My favorite is Baskin Robbins peanut butter-n-chocolate.  It's something I love to take the kids to get after school on occasion, or every day...which ever comes first.  Maybe I'm a bit addicted...

For a while, our fair city had no BR 31 Flavors!  It's sad, but true.  However, about 2 or 3 years ago, the spirits of all 31 things rich & creamy smiled on us once more and a wonderfully entrepreneurial family opened Pandora's luscious carton!

Also, I LOVE fantastic customer service!  I like to recommend places to my friends & family that provide great customer service.  I also like to 'report' places with poor customer service to whomever will listen!  I write about those 'bad' places, I tell people about them, and I go back to those places to tell the people who work there exactly why I won't come back and why I'm going to tell every one or write about how bad they are.  It could be that I'm addicted to this habit, as well.....

Guess what?!  This stupid teenager with poor customer service ability is why I'm not going back to my favorite Baskin Robbins until I speak with his manager/owner!!  No, no.  Not the one actually working on the left...the one on the right who's too busy looking out the window at a car he likes to take the money from the customer at the register.
Oh.  Yeah.  And to the person in the drive-through to whom Stupid Teen Boy is speaking through the headset, I got your back.  Don't you worry one bit.  I'll definitely be sharing with his manager/owner all of the choice things he called you AND all of the great impressions he did of you.  I would suggest that, if you were actually "sitting there with your thumb up your @$$," you go ahead and remove that.  It is just not a safe driving practice.

Have a nice day and come again!
:)

Monday, June 21, 2010

The General & His Bishops (I mean Cardinals)

So, I'm not very well versed in "ranking" statuses.  I'm sure you noticed that by the title of this post.  My "rank & file" is Queen of the Universe, Self-Proclaimed, Agreed Upon by All.  But, I digress......

With summer in full swing, sadly, it is Big's baseball bat that is no longer swinging.  Baseball season has concluded.  While this is usually a time of year when our family is relieved--mostly because it just gets harder and harder to put on that "you did your job out there and that's all you can do" face when we get our pre-pubescent backsides handed to us on a diamond--this season has proven to be FAR different....although it didn't start off that way!

So as not to bore you with the details of Mr. Analytical "accidentally" signing himself up to coach a sport he's not played in more than 30 years, much less ever coached, and his missing tryouts because he didn't listen to me--which is certainly where he goes wrong a ton of the time--I'll skip right to the Disney-style ending:

Big played on the Cardinals this season.  Coaching Staff:  Mr. Analytical (okay, so I'm snickering just a little right here at the thought of him 'coaching!'), Coach Lisa (a willing accomplice who did whatever needed), Coach Cody (our reason for this season), Coach Keith (impeccable wealth of knowledge that man has), Coach Brad (the kid whisperer--and I really didn't know that there would be more than one of those on this planet, Coach Kip!), and many dads who stepped in anytime they were needed (plus the moms who just can't stay out of the coaches' business--of course that does not include me........).

This was Big's BEST season of baseball EVER!  Our coaching staff was fantastic in every way, the boys on the team played as a team at every game, and they all had a blast!  It helps that they won most of their games, too!  The Cardinals 10U team was 2nd Place in League AND 2nd Place Tournament Winners!  To top it off, Coach Cody took the whole team (minus 2 of our players who were out of town..) to a local restaurant/game place after the tournament for an 'end of season' bash!

But what we parents thought was the creme de la creme, the pies de resistance (you know what I mean, right?), the absolute tops was THIS very moment right here captured on digital imagery:


The General, himself...COACH BOBBY KNIGHT 
with the 
FYB 10U CARDINALS!!!!!

How awesome was that?!  Coach Knight took time away from his evening with what appeared to be family to give us a photo op--for NO money, EVEN!  He even had some parting words of wisdom for the boys:

Coach Knight:  Boys.  Everybody look at me.  Can I tell you something?  Be good students.  NONE of you will EVER play major league baseball, but EVERY ONE of you will need an education!  DON'T BE HALF-ASSED STUDENTS!  Have a good evening.

And with that pearl, the great orator vanished............

Player #1:  Mom.  Did he just say a bad word?
Third Base Back-Up Player Jack:  Who is he anyway?  I've never heard of Bob Knight.
Parents in the room:  .....[wide-eyed, slack-jawed, stunned silent]...................crickets chirping here........



Friday, June 18, 2010

There are many good uses for buggies.

Ah.... it's summertime, and the livin' is easy!

I really mean that people! Stuff's movin' really slowly around here. We just wear swimsuits and sunscreen most days. The A/C is the only household appliance I care about right now, and you really couldn't get me to put makeup on for very many reasons. It's just that time of the year. Enjoy it!

I still have to run those occasional errands. A quick stop at the grocery, or more frequently at the Walmart. These days, I usually have my posse with me, and I've noticed one really weird thing. I can't quite figure it out.....

Why do the children walk right in front of you? Why do they walk really fast, until they step right in front of you and then they either stop completely, or slow down? Why? Any thoughts?


There are two possible major safety problems with children walking in front of me.

Number 1: If it's a small child, he(or she) will get completely crushed.
Number 2: If it's a bigger child, the teenager(or pre-teen) will completely crush me, in a weird banging way, that hurts all my joints. (I can't tell you how I already know this.)

I'm just a regular mom people, I can't take very many more of these banging incidents. I'm gonna wear out early. I need a solution.

So, I started to make good use of the buggy.

That's all you really need to know.... there are many good uses for buggies. There. I helped you today.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingy...

Opa (& Oma):  Snoring........more snoring.........even more snoring........sleeeeeeeeeeeeep......


"One ringy dingy, Two ringy dingy.  One ringy dingy, Two ringy dingy!"

Oma:  WTH?!?  It's 1:00 o'clock in the morning!  Hello???!!


Stupid caller who's not dead or bleeding:  Hello, ma'am.  This is Steve (giggle, giggle, snicker) at the warehouse in Ft. Worth.  We're holding your shipment of condoms due to incorrect shipping address.


Oma:  NO!

CLICK!

I'm sure we've all had at least one of these "in the middle of the night, scare you half to death" phone calls.  You know, those calls that instill the kind of fear that makes you scramble to the phone, stubbing toes and cussing all the way, all while going to the most traumatic, tragic, and hyperbolic situations your mind can conjure that even the writers for Silence of the Lambs couldn't imagine!  Yet, when you breathlessly answer with a complete terror-stricken voice, some stupid teenager on the other end asks "if you've got Prince Albert in a can"......and your mind immediately goes to the "how can i reach through this phone and kill you then lay your body (lay = to put or place...lie = to come to rest/to be untruthful) on the police station steps with a sign on you that reads 'death by prank call' so that all of the police totally sympathize with me" place!

Well, after having a chuckle with my mom (Oma) over the prank call--because you've gotta know my mom to know how hilarious the topic of conversation of this particular prank call is (i.e.  she's a bit on the prudish side...."modesty" we call it....right, Oma?) and because I didn't even know she knew the word 'condom!'--I told her how I thought she should have handled it.

Observe (you must be over the age of 18 or have parental consent to read any further...it's a smidge graphic.  But that's how I roll at 1:00AM):


Opa (& Oma):  Snoring........more snoring.........even more snoring........sleeeeeeeeeeeeep......

"One ringy dingy, Two ringy dingy.  One ringy dingy, Two ringy dingy!"

Oma:  WTH?!?  It's 1:00 o'clock in the morning!  Hello???!!

Stupid caller who's not dead or bleeding:  Hello, ma'am.  This is Steve (giggle, giggle, snicker) at the warehouse in Ft. Worth.  We're holding your shipment of condoms due to incorrect shipping address.

Oma (saying what I think she should've said):  STEVE!  WTH?  How my B*!#&@S gonna make me any greenbacks if they ain't got they skins???!!  Answer me THAT, Steve!  I gotta have the skins to make the dough!  Get me your supervisor on the phone right now, Steve!  Oh, and Steve, just an FYI, my sport of choice is teen-tracking and my GPS just registered your current location.  Please hold while I give dispatch your coordinates.....

I'd be willing to bet that the stupid caller doesn't have a supervisor who would be interested in speaking with me at 1:00AM about how I'm gonna get my 'skins' and "Steve's" probably not great at thinking through the whole "I don't know why the police are at our door at 1:00AM, Mommy & Daddy"........

But...that's just me.

Like Bill Engvall says:  Nice is OVER at midnight!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Summer Breeze

Makes me feel.....





This flowering tree is one of my favorite things about summer. It's time for some blog participation..... what are your favorite things about summer?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Not every word, you should of heard.

Today, I heard some words. Some words I have heard before, because I'm a grown up, and I've heard some bad stuff in my life. Today, I heard some words come out of a teenager's mouth..... well, it shocked me! Really? It shocked us all! PrissE was stunned!

Some dumb kid (I would totally name him, if I knew him, because I'm sure his mother would like to know all about his words) at the pool today, yelled, hollered, even thought he was hysterical.... some really bad words.

PrissE yelled, 'Hey!! Watch your language!'

I yelled, 'Hey!! There's no reason to talk like that, there are little kids around here!'

Little said, 'I didn't hear the bad words.'

Then, I looked at PrissE, and she asked the dumb kid if he would like to explain to Little's father why she knew those words, and he said no.

Then, the kid swam off.

Yep, it's summer. We're at the pool a lot. Y'all can relax, we're parenting most of your children that have the poor judgement to swim close enough to our chairs to be heard. It's just a matter of safety.

Oh, and a word to the wise.... y'all don't be kickin' PrissE in the nose, it makes her throw up.

Word.