"Fat Free!" Ch. 3--Balanced Nutrition (all that I know...the shortest chapter to date)

To quote my favorite movie line of all time in an effort to express yet another aspect of weight loss to which I'm completely amenable:
Andy Sachs to Emily:  You look great!  
Emily to Andy Sachs:  Thank you!  I'm one stomach flu away from reaching goal weight!
----The Devil Wears Prada

While, mildly sadly, I'm not that near goal weight, I wouldn't be completely opposed to a little stomach bug to jump start the "after holidays" weight loss!  Alas, no bug for me and a stalled motivation to boot!  Whatever shall I do?..................I know!  I'll adjust my nutritional intake!!!

Day 1:  I'll take the Special K Challenge and replace 2 meals a day for 2 weeks with a bowl of Special K.  Wonder how many boxes I'll need to buy for the 2 weeks.  Says here on the Chocolate Special K box that there are 12 servings in this eeee-weeee tiny box....hmmm.  So, while I'm no Rocket-Cereal Scientist, I think I'll need only 2 boxes plus 2 servings from a 3rd box.  (I'd like to take a moment here to thank all of my precious friends who teach math, know math, and can do math...I'm sure, at some point, you are why I can do Rocket-Cereal Science!)  SWEET!  That's some inexpensive diet food! 


Day 2:  @#$%!!  Whose been eating my Chocolate Special K??????!!!!  I've only had 2 servings and there's only HALF of a box left!!!!!  (if you listen closely, you can hear Mr. Analytical meekly and tenderly explaining weights & measures and possibly the metric system....I'm not totally certain, though, as I've gone into a rage-starvation-&-carnivorous induced coma...) WHAT?!?  HOW much is a serving??!?  That's not a serving!!!  That's a nibble!  An appetizer!!!  A serving is a FULL bowl of cereal (I use the deep bowls for better flake-handling) with milk oozing up through it's cracks!!!  YOU mean to tell me that I've eaten 3 DAYS worth of food in only 1 DAY!!!?!  SON OF A -------------------------------------------------------!!!!!!

I'd like to go on record here and say to the folks at the DUHpartment of NOTrition:  12 servings in a box of Chocolate Special K there are NOT!!!!!!!!  Unless, of course, you're supermodel skinny and know that you're gonna puke it up in the end anyway...then, naturally, it would be perfectly logical to assume that there are possibly even 24 servings in your boxes.


I would be completely remiss, however, if I neglected to correctly educate you.  Allow me to share the "New Food Pyramid:"


Apparently, as NOT outlined in the "New Food Pyramid," 2 doses of an antibiotic, a dose of an antacid, 1 cereal bar, 1 slice of pizza, and 1 glass of wine a balanced DAILY nutritional intake do not make!

Perhaps I've gone from one extreme to the other?  Yep.  I'm screwed.  Or....am I the "new 14" in reverse?!                        

Andy Sachs:  So, none of the girls here eat anything?

Nigel:  Not since size two became the new four and size zero became the new two.

Andy Sachs:  Well, I'm a six...

Nigel:  Which is the new fourteen.

----The Devil Wears Prada

P.S.  Little Debbie is the Devil in a blue gingham dress!

"Fat Free!" Ch. 2--23 Lbs. down...and Baby STILL Gotta Fat-Back!"

Chapter 2:  “23 Lbs down…and Baby STILL Gotta Fat-Back!”

Little & PrissE (PRE-23 Lb loss!)

Little:  Mommy, when are you gonna lose the rest of your fat?

“It’s just another manic Monday, oooohhhh wooaaooo, That’s my funday, woooooooaaaoooo  wooooaaoo…”  As if I needed another day of mania! 

Well, actually, I completely skipped out on Monday (okay…so I’ve skipped out on several Mondays).  Now it’s Wednesday—December 9^th--I’ve not lost 80 pounds, and summer is less than six months away…the 80 pounds has to be gone!  Is it possible to break the Biggest Loser records at home, without a trainer, access to equipment, and a pantry full of processed food?  SURE!!  Oh, yeah, and every other commercial I see on TV is either a diet program or a fast food commercial. 

Did I mention that I’m watching lots of TV?  Could that be an issue?  Could that be the reason my metabolism is operating at the pace of snail?  

“How’s that working for ya?” (Can’t you see Dr. Phil standing in between me and my T.V. asking me this question?  Ooh!  Too creepy!  Sometimes, I think Jesus speaks to us through people like Dr. Phil…NOT!) 

Needless to say, after much negotiation between my foot and Dr. Phil’s high & mighty not-so-skinny moral turpitude, he’s now moved out from in between me and my daily dose of 7^th Heaven, Matlock, and my recorded episodes of DCC. I suppose a smidge of cardio during DCC wouldn’t be so bad…maybe I could do a routine or two with Kitty and the Training Camp Candidates…two, may be three minutes later:

PrissE:  Hello.  911?  HELP!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 3!  COMING UP FEBRUARY 9, 2010!!

"Fat Free!" or "Mommy, Wook! She has a big hiney wike you!"

No, no, no.  Don't adjust your computer screen...it's not De Ja Vu...you really have read this before.  

Re-Runs??? You ask.  

Yes, I say.

Why? You ask.

Chapter 3 is coming up next week--and, all great books are worth at least one re-read!  This is just a refresher since it's been soooo long since you've gotten to read ch. 1-2!  Enjoy!!    

Chapter 1:  “One at a Time, Please”

(in the voice of the lady on the Jay Leno Show who does the Universal Studios Photo Booth voice/sketch)

Scene:  Me, the bathroom, void of all couture, and standing on the most hated and dreaded stage of all:  THE SCALE!

…it’s spinning, it’s turning, it’s slowing, slower, slooower……

    200 lbs!!!!????

    WHAT THE….

Whew!  For a moment, I think I blacked out.  What was I doing?  Oh, yes.  The scale……

    HELL??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am a church-going Christian woman.  You may ask then, why such blasphemy?  Let’s get one thing out in the open and ironed out:  Jesus loves me and works on my flaws and faults every day.  When He died on the cross for me, He did so because he knew that, one day I would use a foul word in a book—which means I’ve probably used that same foul word in life, too.  The wonderful thing about my Jesus is that He knew that when I woke up fat one day (and yes, it did happen overnight…I promise!), I’d be totally thrown by it and completely FREAKED OUT!  He knew I would be so overcome with shock and awe that I would lose all controls of my frontal lobe and let the foul word center take over the muscles in my face and my vocal chords.  He knew that my brain would then compel my fingers to type that fateful sentence that would launch me into this journey of pure he__ __……difficulty—and He knew that He would have a little more work to do with me yet!  At least I keep Him on His toes!  Better yet, I think I should be getting up on MY toes.  I’ve got a long way to go! 

“Fat”tain’s Log,” (Do you think I could get Jean Luke Piccard to do the voice work here?):  “Stardate October 6, 2009.  One week has passed since my mission to rid the celestial being, PrissE, of all cellulite and fat particles.  Days 1-5, gung ho!  Day 6-now, gung ho hum…I’m in need of a burst, a charge, and a few dollars wouldn’t hurt.” 

These are rough economic times for our country, and world markets.  Like a crazy person, I quit my teaching job in May of 2008 to follow my ambitions—to be a writer/editor/publisher.  I’ve been a teacher for fourteen years and never really felt totally satisfied.  Many moon ago, I started college as a journalism major and for a reason too conceited to discuss, I changed my major to elementary education—BIG MISTAKE for me!  Now, here I am, knocking the door of 40, overweight, out of work in one of our most desperate economic times in our country, can’t pay for another college degree—which I’m apparently going to need to follow my dreams of being in the editing/publishing business—and really wanting to eat us all out of house and home!  It’s a vicious cycle—if I eat us out of house and home, where will we live, what will we eat, and where will we get money to by some more to eat and a place to live?!  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! 

Well, I can choose to continue the freak-out phase because I need to lose 80 pounds in two days and we have limited funds to help me accomplish such a Guinness feat…or, I can eat!  JUST KIDDING!  Instead, I can do what’s free—exercise!  That’s right, exercise—and Jesus still loves me for saying the “E” word!  Everything about diet and exercise can be free (discounting groceries of course).  It’s my goal, and hopefully a resulting hot bod and huge paycheck along with the prestige of being a published author, to lose my weight for free.  No prepackaged food, no paid programs, no diet pills (although I’ve always been open to the idea—after all, we can prevent pregnancy and quit smoking with just a patch—why not a diet pill?).  My destiny, a tiny hiny, a book in print, and NO MONEY DOWN!

"Fat Free!" Ch. 2--23 Lbs. down...and Baby STILL Gotta Fat-Back!"

Chapter 2:  “23 Lbs down…and Baby STILL Gotta Fat-Back!”

Little & PrissE (PRE-23 Lb loss!)

Little:  Mommy, when are you gonna lose the rest of your fat?

“It’s just another manic Monday, oooohhhh wooaaooo, That’s my funday, woooooooaaaoooo  wooooaaoo…”  As if I needed another day of mania! 

Well, actually, I completely skipped out on Monday (okay…so I’ve skipped out on several Mondays).  Now it’s Wednesday—December 9^th--I’ve not lost 80 pounds, and summer is less than six months away…the 80 pounds has to be gone!  Is it possible to break the Biggest Loser records at home, without a trainer, access to equipment, and a pantry full of processed food?  SURE!!  Oh, yeah, and every other commercial I see on TV is either a diet program or a fast food commercial. 

Did I mention that I’m watching lots of TV?  Could that be an issue?  Could that be the reason my metabolism is operating at the pace of snail? 

“How’s that working for ya?” (Can’t you see Dr. Phil standing in between me and my T.V. asking me this question?  Ooh!  Too creepy!  Sometimes, I think Jesus speaks to us through people like Dr. Phil…NOT!) 

Needless to say, after much negotiation between my foot and Dr. Phil’s high & mighty not-so-skinny moral turpitude, he’s now moved out from in between me and my daily dose of 7^th Heaven, Matlock, and my recorded episodes of DCC. I suppose a smidge of cardio during DCC wouldn’t be so bad…maybe I could do a routine or two with Kitty and the Training Camp Candidates…two, may be three minutes later:

PrissE:  Hello.  911?  HELP!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!