and the Walmart saga continues.....

If you're wondering how to make your trip to the Walmart about ninety-eleven-billion times better, then all you need to add is a buggy with zero working tires and two children.

Seriously, I tried about three different buggies and none of them worked. I finally settled on the buggy I had my hand on when the jerk-dude behind me told me to just pick one. Nice. Thanks.

Fox asked no less than fifty times if I would buy him a strobe light. No. Fifty-one times no.

I don't know why he wants one, but we're in the business of avoiding seizures around here. That was the closing sentence to the monologue in the Walmart after the last no. Observers were impressed. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I just found out that you must have a minimum of one facial piercing to work the check out line at the Walmart. That's what I can only assume because all the checkers today had something sharp in their face.

And, Mav carried the eggs. The giant thirty-two count egg container. He carried it. Only because I am completely inept when it comes to stacking groceries into the buggy. At least, that's what he told me whilst he carried the eggs. Something about them being crushed, and him starving to death for an entire week. Observers were impressed.

There's got to be a better way to buy groceries.

Walmart Line Etiquette, part 2 (Subtitle: Return to Hell Pushy Lady!)

Today's Walmart check out line adventure begins with me standing in a super. long. line. I have only a few things in the basket and I'm waiting very patiently for my turn.

I'm leaving an adequate amount of space between me and the polite woman and child in front of me. They need some room to load up their thousands of items onto the conveyor belt. I'm giving them space.

The lady behind me, who is visiting our planet from circa 1984, sees no reason to leave a polite buffer zone. She jams her buggy full of Monster drinks and frozen pizzas right up my butt. I guess in an effort to push me forward. Not much chance of that now. She has two giant teen boys with her. What she doesn't know is, I'm not easily intimidated by teenage boys. No matter how tall, smelly or freakishly dressed they are, it's just a boy. I'm a momma. End of story.

I take my turn to load my purchases onto the conveyor belt, and it's at this time that she begins the deep sighing. (Now, I must take a moment to tell you when you see a plus size gal loading up a conveyor belt with diet foods, tampons, Midol and one tiny carton of ice cream, then you should realize today's not your day to screw with me.) Fortunately, her cell phone rang, and that gave her the opportunity to talk badly about me to her friend, in a loud tone.

"Yeah, we're trying to check out. Sassy lady in front of me is texting and can't move up any farther. I guess we'll get there as soon as we can... this is taking forever."

Now, I take a moment and look at the boys, who are totally mortified by what their mother (or possibly grandmother) is saying on the phone. I just smile politely, and stand. my. ground. No forward movement in this line. Not in our immediate future.

She begins loading stuff onto the conveyor belt, and in the process, steps on my foot! Thank you lady! (Now, I must spin you by that long, gross, gray braided ponytail and throw you right back to 1984 where you came from. Take those stupid pink Crocs with you!)

I just looked at her and said, 'Oh, you forgot the box of hair die.'

Which caused the boys to snicker.

Paid for my purchases and left.

People, please... leave a buffer zone in the Walmart line! It's just being human!!

Dear lady behind me in line at the Walmart:

You should know if you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me, there will be consequences.

First of all, I give everyone one 'free pass deep sigh.' We're all entitled to one. The first deep sigh could represent a number of things.

For example:
**deep sigh** 'wow! this line is long.' or

**deep sigh** 'I sure hope I got everything on the list.' or

**deep sigh** 'I wish my hair was as cute as that lady in front of me.' (I get that last one A LOT!)

So, as I already said, your first 'deep sigh' is a freebie. Use it wisely.

If you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me as I'm loading up the conveyor belt, you better have the guts to look me in the eye when I look back to give you the visual warning. Look lady, there's a chance that the guy in front of me would like to have some space for his frozen pizzas and cans of chili. I'm not going judge him on that deal. Give him some space please! I'm not going to PUSH him forward into the two elderly ladies that have loaded the conveyor belt up with broccoli and boxed wine. I might be one of those old ladies some day. If we like to visit and look around while we check out, ease up! We're old ladies!!

If you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me again as I'm actively NOT pulling my buggy far enough forward for you, then you better hope I don't poke a hole in this giant dog food bag, because have you ever experienced how long it takes the Walmart to clean up a spilled bag of dog food and bring you another one? It takes some time lady, ease up!!

If you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me again as I'm running my credit card and NOT signing fast enough for you, then you need to be prepared to listen to a conversation between me and the check out girl as I compliment her new tattoo. If this conversation irritates you, and you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me again, then you need to be prepared for a faked seizure.

Lady, do you realize I'm a stay at home mom at the Walmart with no children? I have like 5 hours to kill! I totally have time for a faked seizure before I've got to pick the boys up at school. Do you have any idea how long it takes a tattooed check out girl to realize a seizure is being faked?

If you are lucky enough to survive all your bad choices, then you certainly shouldn't 'deep sigh' at me one final time, as I don't back out of my parking space in a timely enough manner. Okay, maybe I didn't actually hear that final 'deep sigh', but I imagined that's what you meant when you flipped me off.

Ease up lady! The Walmart will still be here tomorrow.