Walmart Line Etiquette, part 2 (Subtitle: Return to Hell Pushy Lady!)

Today's Walmart check out line adventure begins with me standing in a super. long. line. I have only a few things in the basket and I'm waiting very patiently for my turn.

I'm leaving an adequate amount of space between me and the polite woman and child in front of me. They need some room to load up their thousands of items onto the conveyor belt. I'm giving them space.

The lady behind me, who is visiting our planet from circa 1984, sees no reason to leave a polite buffer zone. She jams her buggy full of Monster drinks and frozen pizzas right up my butt. I guess in an effort to push me forward. Not much chance of that now. She has two giant teen boys with her. What she doesn't know is, I'm not easily intimidated by teenage boys. No matter how tall, smelly or freakishly dressed they are, it's just a boy. I'm a momma. End of story.

I take my turn to load my purchases onto the conveyor belt, and it's at this time that she begins the deep sighing. (Now, I must take a moment to tell you when you see a plus size gal loading up a conveyor belt with diet foods, tampons, Midol and one tiny carton of ice cream, then you should realize today's not your day to screw with me.) Fortunately, her cell phone rang, and that gave her the opportunity to talk badly about me to her friend, in a loud tone.

"Yeah, we're trying to check out. Sassy lady in front of me is texting and can't move up any farther. I guess we'll get there as soon as we can... this is taking forever."

Now, I take a moment and look at the boys, who are totally mortified by what their mother (or possibly grandmother) is saying on the phone. I just smile politely, and stand. my. ground. No forward movement in this line. Not in our immediate future.

She begins loading stuff onto the conveyor belt, and in the process, steps on my foot! Thank you lady! (Now, I must spin you by that long, gross, gray braided ponytail and throw you right back to 1984 where you came from. Take those stupid pink Crocs with you!)

I just looked at her and said, 'Oh, you forgot the box of hair die.'

Which caused the boys to snicker.

Paid for my purchases and left.

People, please... leave a buffer zone in the Walmart line! It's just being human!!

OOPS! I Did It Again.....

People, it is NOT save to text and drive.  That is a matter of fact.  And...in my case, on occasion, it's just not safe to think & text!!

I am one of the coolest people I know...this is another matter of fact (not up for discussion).  I love to surround myself, either in person or spirit, with other "coolest people I know".....hence Sassy and I are such magnificent kindred spirits.

Another kindred cool person with whom I stay connected is my rockin' older cousin, Rob (and she's a girl).  One thing she and I have in common that keeps us totally awesome is music!  Not just any music, either.....I'm talking the tunes that made the 70's, 80's & TODAY!!!  Y'all, not only can we sing these tunes like songbirds, but we can even SPEAK in song lyrics!!

How many of these songs and artists can YOU identify from our recent texting conversation???

Me:  Hey gurl!  Kool just rang in and says "Get Down On It!"  Oh, and Lionel said, "Sail On."


Rob:  OMG!  Lionel also said, "Still."


Me:  He also said, "Hello."  Also, Donny wants to be my "Soldier of Love!"  He's got such a "Sacred Emotion" for me!!!

Rob:  Oh, girl....it must be "Puppy Love."


Me:  Well, since I'm "Bringing Sexy Back," JT's all "I Wanna Rock Your Body," but Barry, Robin, and Maurice said they're just "Blaming It On The Nights of Broadway!"


Rob:  I think "Saturday Night Fever" has set in!  "Doctor, Doctor Give Me The News!"  I think maybe you stood in the "Purple Rain" too long!!!


Me:  I think we just need a "Vacation."


Rob:  Seriously.  After all, "We Are Family."


Me:  ...and totally "Bootylicious!"  Well, gurl....."It's Time For Me To Fly."  "I'm Leavin' On A Jet Plane."  Don't be sad "When I'm Gone."


Rob:  I thought I felt the "Wind of Change" blowin....I knew I'd be "On my Own Again" soon.  Hey, girl...."Never Surrender!"


Me:  "Knowing Me, Knowing You," we will "Never Surrender!"  


Rob:  "Go Away Little Girl!"


Me:  I'm "Gone!"


So, did y'all get all that?  WHAT'S YOUR FAVE DECADE OF MUSIC???  and.....CAN YOU "SPEAK" IT?????

I'm falling woefully short, as it pertains to my quota of celebrity sightings.

We here at Tales from the Compact (TftC), have a long standing tradition of watching people in public places, for the sole purpose of.... seeing a celebrity look a like. I am not very good at it.

That's all you need to know for background information, as I make this public apology to all our readers, and also, at the same time, beg for PrissE's forgiveness! Because when she learns of how I handled these TWO separate incidents, she's gonna ground me from my crown.... ya'll.... this is serious.

Every summer, I make my annual trek to the stamping homeland. The mother ship. Stampin' UP! convention in Salt Lake City. The trip begins every year at our little town's airport. There's two gates. It's small. So, we rarely fly DIRECTLY to where we're going. There's always a stop or two... or three. I don't mind all that so much, because at the airport, I spend all my free time looking for famous people. I figure, it's the airport, there's gonna be famous people crawling all over that place! I'm always wrong. Until this year.

I arrived at our little airport, to the gate, found Wendy, and we immediately began talking about stamping. It's what we do. In the middle of our stamping conversation, I say, in whisper voice, 'Look! It's Pat Knight!' She didn't even pause our stamping conversation to discretely look over her shoulder to also see Pat Knight! We smile, laugh and begin texting our traveling partners who are at another airport, in a different city. Their text reply? 'Who's Pat Knight?' (Head men's basketball coach at Texas Tech University!! GUNS UP!!)

He was on our plane. Sat two rows in front of us, and I didn't get a cell phone picture of the back of his head. Please forgive me. He wore the sacred red and black, and was friendly to all who spoke to him. I heard nary a cuss word from his lips, and he didn't answer his cell phone obnoxiously. I was proud to be a Red Raider. Wendy and I laughed all the way to the women's restroom in Vegas.

We had an over the top, enjoyable week at Stampin' UP! convention (funny stories for a later blog post.)

Every year, at the end of convention, we make our annual trek back home. We spend our spare time planning classes, events, setting goals, and of course... looking for famous people.

We are happily waiting for our connecting flight in Vegas again. (Las Vegas for those of you looking for flight information on the overhead board thingies at the airport.) When who joins us at the gate but, Kristy Curry! (Head women's basketball coach, Texas Tech University!! GUNS UP!)

She gracefully sits in a waiting chair just three seats down from Wendy! She is perfectly manicured wearing the sacred red and black and carrying the absolute most wonderful Texas Tech carry on bag I ever saw! She is wheeling behind her a very modestly sized rolling bag that fit nicely into the over head container. Her flip flops were even marked with THE DOUBLE T! She is much more lovely and petite in person! We were star struck.

Now, I hold crown in hand, as I say to you... it happened, you're just gonna have to trust me.

**IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:No cameras were harmed in the telling of these stories. In fact, no cameras were harmed during the actual events of these stories!! Mainly because I forgot to bring them out.

So proud....

Looks like the blue poncho worked just fine. The group had a wonderful backpacking experience. Just look at Jag.....

All I needed was a rain jacket.

We are excitedly getting all mooches (read, sweet children) ready for their summer camping and backpacking trips. Jag really needs new rain gear. Let my nightmare begin.

Episode 1:
We are happily purchasing the Bossman new shoes for his birthday at our local Academy Sporting Goods store. We're only there for birthday presents, but Jag has conveniently located a rain jacket that zips up into it's own pocket. After what seemed like hours of begging (really, only a few minutes of teen eye rolling), I finally agree to make the purchase.

We arrive home with our purchases, Jag opens up the jacket to only then find out we just purchased a YOUTH LARGE rain jacket. Not the appropriate size for my giant teen boy. No problem though, Mav can use it.

Episode 2:
We are at a different local sporting goods store, Big 5. We are there to specifically purchase rain gear for the backpacking trip. We locate the gear, make our decisions (checking sizes more carefully), make our purchase and happily leave the store for the 25 minute drive back home.

We arrive home to find out that the package marked, rain jacket and pants, sadly only has rain pants in it, so again... no rain jacket.

Later that evening, I return to the Big 5 sporting goods store and cheerfully return the package and request another package with a jacket as well. They are sold out. They refuse to sell me another similar item at the price I already paid. I think it's reasonable for me to request the similar item at the previously purchased price. The sales associate, not so much. We discuss our differences in opinions for only a brief few minutes, and I leave the store with a refund, but no rain gear.

Really? Big 5, Really? You aren't willing to take a $5 cut in price to retain me as a customer? Really? I purchase countless things every month from a sporting goods store... my money is no good anymore? Really? Your loss. At this time, I must recommend none of you ever shop at any Big 5 store. Their customer service is...... well, lacking.

Episode 3:
I am tired and alone as I shop in the darkness of the night at the Target. A rain jacket must be found. Must be purchased. We've run out of options. Delightful blue poncho will work! Yay!

I present my Target purchase to the teen. He looks at me, says nothing.... I say, 'Here's your rain jacket (really it's a poncho.) You can wear it, a trash bag from the cabinet, or get wet. You're 14 now, make your own choice.'

Jag says, 'It's perfect! This will work great! Thanks Mom!'

Wedgie Words

Funerals suck.  No matter what the circumstance, they're just hard to handle.  But, here's what I know (and this is NOT a comprehensive list...):

1.  Tragic loss is tragic.  It's hard.  It hurts.  For a long time.
2.  Laughter is cathartic.  Behaving slightly inappropriately adds to the laughter.
3.  Family is family.  No matter the past.  No matter the future.  Family is always family.
4.  Behaving inappropriately with family makes me laugh.  And it's cathartic.
5.  Grown-up girls...especially overweight grown-up girls...should not wear words printed on the seat of their shorts.  But, laughter is cathartic.  I will laugh at you when your 'word-on-your-butt-shorts' creep into a wedgie and spells a totally different word.  So will my family.

For example:
1.  A pair of shorts with the words 'Pick Here' printed across the back might become:
'Pie'  No overweight girl should have 'Pie' on her seat.  It's not attractive.

2.  If you're "reprasentin" your favorite college like, oh, say, 'Stanford' by wearing it on your backside, it might become:  'Std.'  Is that the last thing you want for people to remember of you as you walk away?  I think not.

3.  Then, there are the 'message' shorts that promote tolerance & acceptance such as 'Don't Judge Me.'  These might become:  'DoMe.'  This could be misconstrued in a couple of ways...well...you be the judge.

4.  Let's not forget the ever-popular 'attitude' phrases, either.  Sometimes it's just fun to sport the 'tude.  Perhaps taking the location of the 'attitude' phrase into consideration is of the utmost importance.  For example, if you've got these breeches that say 'Gaming Rocks' in a big-time wedgie-bunch, they might become:  'Gas.'  You'll definitely find yourself with plenty of personal space.

So, when tragedy strikes and your heart is broken and in pain, call on your family & laugh together.  In fact, take it out on the town somewhere and hide & watch.  Somewhere, somehow, someway, someone out there will make you laugh and you'll think to yourself as you look around:  "Isn't that crazy!  WE'RE the 'NoRmAL' ones!!'


Love your family enough to tell them to 'dig out that wedgie!' because my family's on the lookout!!  And, we WILL laugh at you!

Many Different Things.

Oh yeah, I know it's just another name for random. Deal with it.

Two days ago, my dryer broke. We can still use it, but it never stops, and then burns up clothes. So, we're only using it on clothes we don't like. We're not using it. Tomorrow, I'm getting a new one.

We were driving in the car last week, when out of the clear blue sky, Mav asks a question. 'Mom, if me and Fox would have been born at different hospitals, would we still be twins?'

My friend, Rhonda, from another state, will be in my town on the exact same days I'll be in another state. Not funny.

I got a haircut this week. My only request was to make my hair 'less hot'. It's shorter now.

I'm coordinating 'outfits' for a trip in a couple of weeks. My sister hates 'outfits'. I think that makes me like 'outfits' more. I need more jewelry.

Jag came home last night from a few days with Maw-Maw. His first question to me was, 'Did you get spray tanned?'

The rain makes me sleepy.

Summer is fun!