Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Easter Hazing Project

AKA: the dude’s first Easter with us, and he didn’t color eggs….. whatever!

It’s time for all blog stalkers to meet the dude.

Recently, my sister got all engaged and stuff….. to this dude. He’s got this big giant brain that matches up all nicely with my sister’s big giant brain. Dude has flashes of normal about him that are so delightful! I truly, nearly passed out cold when I found out Dude is teaching my sister all about baseball! Don’t tell them, but we think this Dude is pretty fun. For the record, we decided that WAY before we knew he was a big, giant Texas Rangers fan!

EVERY Easter, and I do mean EVERY SINGLE EASTER since I was born, we have colored Easter eggs. No exceptions. Egg coloring is a big deal in our family. So, you can imagine my surprise when we all show up at the appointed egg coloring time to find out that the new Dude isn’t coming.


Alright, initial shock is over, egg coloring begins. Normal stuff is happening…. Fox is coloring all his eggs yellow, AGAIN! Just like he’s done almost every year since the boy was two years old. Task became a little more difficult when Bossman dumped a whole bowl of yellow egg dye on the left leg of my FAVORITE jeans. Luckily, we have multiple bowls of all colors. Score one for Maw-Maw.

I’m not sure how it all happened, but a conversation was started about the Dude. It was decided that for the Dude’s first Easter egg hunt, he would have a crude initiation into the family. A plan was hatched.

The Dude would be required to hunt for the two eggs that have his name on them. Dude would have to do the hunting while blindfolded. Dude’s only helper would be Jag, who would tell him which direction to go using only ‘hot’ or ‘cold’ directions. Which is totally even more funny when you get the background story that Jag doesn’t get what ‘hot’ or ‘cold’ directions even mean, so he’s likely to give them backwards for the first half hour of the blindfolded hunt. Remember, I said it was going to be a crude initiation?

Everyone thought this idea was super great, and we laughed and laughed!

We were all still laughing the next day when Jag presents the Dude with a dirty old handkerchief that he’s expected to use for his blindfold. Tall tales were told…. Many stories exaggerated…. Way more hyperbolic than normal. (At this time, I would like full credit for using my sister’s vocabulary word in a blog post.)

Ha, Ha, Ha! We didn’t blindfold the Dude and make him hunt eggs. However, Dude was the victim of the first aerial confetti egg assault.

Don’t worry Dude, you’re in. Just don’t miss another egg coloring event.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I recently watched Gladiator, Robin Hood and King Arthur, so now I must blog this story.

Once upon a time, in a quaint little castle, there lived a beautiful Queen. The Queen shared the castle with a Brave King and three curious little Princes. The oldest Prince had an unusual history of coming down with many a strange disease. When the young lad was only five years old, the beautiful Queen took him to the Wizard of Orthopedic Medicine for help with a slight limp. After one brief x-ray the Wizard informed the Queen that the Prince had become stricken with a very rare bone disease. This disease would live in the Prince forever, and no Wizards in the land had any idea what it would do to the Prince as he grew up. The King and beautiful Queen spent many a restless night worrying for their young Prince. How could the future King rule the land if he only had one leg? Soon, the King and Queen traveled with the Prince to a far, far away land, where a wise old Priest told them that the young Prince would likely live out all the days of his life with both legs. The young Prince could look forward to many a buggy ride because his limp would make him slower and the rare bone disease would likely make him shorter. Nary would a peasant bother a future King for those petty things.

Many peaceful years would pass. The King and Queen lived to see that the Priest was correct. The young Prince was growing into a teenager and suffered rarely from his strange and rare disease. Alas, the teenage Prince could vex the King and beautiful Queen with many a strange and wrong decision. Those tales shall wait till another dawn.

One evening the teenage Prince was sluggish and pale. He complained of a pounding in his head, and then began to wail and moan as the pounding became worse. The teenage Prince declared his pain level to be a ten on the kingdom pain chart! His constant wailing worried the King and beautiful Queen, but because the sun had already set, and the King had popped the bottle of wine open, it was decided to wait until morn to visit the Wizard of Family Medicine. The beautiful Queen administered the magic Motrin doses and the teenage Prince drifted off to sleep.

The next morn, the beautiful Queen accompanied the teenage Prince to the Wizard of Family Medicine’s lair. There, the beautiful Queen was forced to wait an uncomfortable amount of time in the room of commons, where many an old person would cough on her. Finally, the nurse-jester called the teenage Prince back to see the Wizard. The Wizard of Family Medicine mashed on the teenage Prince’s face for one brief second and declared a CT must be taken!

Wait! The beautiful Queen stands to proclaim, ‘Why such a CT must be taken? Isn’t the teenage Prince suffering from the infection of the sinuses? I also suffered this ailment last week. Many a townsperson suffers this same ailment! The market square is crawling with sickness. Prescribe with your wand the magic pink pills to the teenage Prince, and save us from the CT.’

The Wizard of Family Medicine did not agree with the beautiful Queen, so the CT was scheduled. The teenage Prince was elated! Such a grand adventure he had never taken! The teenage Prince immediately called for his communication device to alert the Knights of the kingdom. Many a text was sent, and the Facebook sorcerer was contacted. Luckily, the beautiful Queen was able to stop the sorcerer before the communication was finished. All the townspeople need not know these developments.

The beautiful Queen remembers what the teenage Prince easily forgets. If a limp and one x-ray can lead to a rare bone disease, then certainly a pain in the head such as this, followed by the looming CT, could only lead to a rare brain tumor! Kingdom logic was plain to the beautiful Queen. Besides that, the teenage Prince was well known for pulling many a stunt like this.

The beautiful Queen was as wise as she was beautiful, so all these thoughts were kept silent. The teenage Prince continued to revel in the glory of facing the CT. Only moments after the CT, the teenage Prince was back on his communication device declaring to all the Knights of the kingdom, ‘Dude, it was so cool! I could SEE the radiation coming out of the front of my face!’

Only one sunset would be endured before the results of the CT could be known. The beautiful Queen summoned the Wizard of Family Medicine’s lair to learn of the results. She spoke with many a receptionist-jester and many a nurse-jester. She left many a voicemail and written message. Carrier pigeons carrying sarcastic declarations could not sway the office to release the results! The King and beautiful Queen were dismayed and full of woe. It seems the Festival of Spring had taken the primary Wizard of Family Medicine to a far away land, making it difficult to make known the results.

One more sunset would be endured before the nurse-angel of the substitute variety would request the presence of the beautiful Queen. The nurse-angel would announce that the CT was clear! The teenage Prince did indeed have a brain! It was determined that the front sinuses were inflamed. The beautiful Queen thanked the nurse angel for bringing the good news so quickly, even though it was the Festival of Spring. The nurse angel was rewarded for her good deed with a royal hand stamped decree.

And so, the teenage Prince was prescribed the pink pills of healing, and soon was cured of the pounding in his head. The beautiful Queen got to be right (again) and, they all lived happily ever after!

Till the morn the sheriffs began requesting gold coins to pay for the CT.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Mom, a list.

Top 10 things I do not like to hear after 10pm (in fact, I might cry.):

1. Mom, do you know where my basketball shoes are?

2. Mom, do you know if my track clothes are clean?

3. Mom, I found my track clothes in the hamper, I need them tomorrow.

4. Mom, I think I left my basketball shoes at school.

5. Mom, how long does it take to type an English essay?

6. Mom, I need to type this English essay by tomorrow.

7. Mom, is tomorrow picture day?

8. Mom, does this finger look jammed to you?

9. Mom, is it alright to do Algebra homework with a blue pen?

10. Mom, do you think this is still good to eat?

Let the countdown to summer begin!