Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Bright New Beginning--Or, The Cursed Entry to the Waiting Room for Hell!

Venture back with me, if you will, to a simpler time.  A time when children rush off to school, new supplies in their backpacks and smelling of unscuffed leather.  A time, not too long ago....Oh, say, August 24, 2009!!!!!!

Here's how our morning went preparing for our first day of school at a new school.....

6:00  Mr. Analytical's and my alarms went off, one right after another, and we realized that we both needed in the shower....who goes first?  Well...can't put a kink in Mr. Analytical's daily schedule, so in he goes.  Needless to say, we are now on our way to running late on the most stressful morning of our school year--the day we start a totally new school!

7:00  Mr. Analytical is still home because he's taking part of the morning off to go to the first day of school drop off with us (why he couldn't get in the shower after me is now a total mystery to me!)  He gets the kids up only to discover Little has had an early morning accident...EVERYTHING is wet!!!  Little needs a shower and we are now running a bit later than before.

7:30  Every one is dressed and sitting in the kitchen to eat breakfast.  This is new for Big as he has always eaten breakfast at school.  This year, though, he'll eat here at home instead and won't have to be at school until 8:00...what a nice change for us!  This isn't different for Little as she ate both at home as soon as she hit the floor and then at school about an hour and a half later.  By 9:00 she'll be asking when they get to go to lunch!

7:50  Load up every one!  This, as it turns out might be a little too late to travel the 2 minute drive to the new school through two school zones and 4A-District high school and elementary school traffic.  A major change from our SmallTown traffic (Pre-K through 12 all in one building under one roof).  May be the first day is much crazier because every parent of every child in a school of about 800 kids parks and gets out...and subsequently decides to leave at the same time.  It will definitely be a learning experience for us for a while!

7:57  We arrive at the school.  WHERE IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PARK????????? we are, parked on the side of the parking lot.  No, it isn't a 'marked' parking spot, but we are not messing with semantics this morning!  Mr. Analytical is parked in the beetle does not go off road.

8:00  WE MADE IT INTO THE BUILDING!!!!  YAY!!!!!!  Here's how the kids did:
Little was a little unnerved...there were so MANY people in the room it was like a zoo!  Oh, wait.  Let me back up...this is how she did once we made it down the "WALK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE HALLWAY ONLY!" kids are not used to this!  Now, back in the room...none of the parents spoke to one another except to say in that irritated 'get the hell out of my way because I have to hurry and act like I give a rats behind that my kid is in kindergarten when I really am totally excited to have my life back after summer vacation' voice, "Excuse us.  Oh, pardon us."  One of the mom's who I see at the pool lots during the summers has a daughter in Little's class.  Her name is Ellen and she has four kids in Bennett elementary...the kindergartner is her youngest.  Ellen's the one who showed me what to do this morning with Little's stuff and backpack since I didn't know my head from my ass and the teacher was most likely already tied up and locked in the closet--perhaps by her own hand.  We gave kisses and Little already had her pencil in her hand.  That girl is ready to learn I tell ya!

Big did NOT want for Mr. Analytical to make it into the room with him AND take pictures...but, none doing.  Mr. Analytical even went all the way to his desk with him.  He had that bravish "Sweet mother of Pearl why don't you just kiss me and tell me I'm your sweet biscuit bear in front of all of these strange kids who will determine how cool they think i am!" look on his face.  You know the look...."could my life get any more embarrassing" look!  Mrs. Rhoads is SOOOO sweet and fun (could be a total deception...don't forget how many years I taught and saw this very thing...but so far, she rocks!).  She said that another boy was supposed to be at Big's table.  She said, "We'll see if he shows up."  May be if he doesn't, she'll move some kids around and Big will have a boy at his group.  Big is also one of only 8 boys in a class of 23 kids!!!!  This is great if you're a college aged boy, but not so much if your only 9!  All that to say, Big looked like most in his room, deer in the headlights eyes.  But, the kid hasn't slept well in a week and has definitely been stressing...may be someone else in his class will be able to help him level out.  That person isn't me at this moment.

I have my venti iced-mocha, I'm watching Matlock and trying to come down out of orbit.  I txted Mr. Analytical that I needed some tequila shots but he said I had to wait until at least noon......NOOON!!!!!  WTH!?  How will I sober up by 3:00 if I wait until NOON???!!!!  Mr. Analytical knows NOTHING about such matters!'ll get better I suppose......DON’T FORGET, WE’RE NEW HERE!!!! (this is what I tell every one who works at the school when I ask about procedures or have ANY question!)

Ode to Friendship—not the school district, but the act!

Short, tall, fat, skinny and all…
PrissE & Sassy—friends through it all.

Fair weather, rain, sleet or snow…
You’re in my heart wherever I go.

Slender foot, boxed foot, pinky toe sticking out…
Every time I wear them, Your shoes, now mine, make me shout:


Thanks, Friend!

Guess what shoes I'm wearing?

Please, take a moment and gaze on a beautiful sight.

This is PrissE's beautiful foot, in what may be the absolute coolest shoe of the season! PrissE is lucky. Her foot is normal size and shape. My foot? Not so much.

About this time last year, I found this pair of shoes on a website and immediately ordered them. I couldn't believe my luck! Finally, after all these years, big shoe heals with holes in the side have come back into style! I waited anxiously for them to arrive, dreaming of every Sunday morning, when I would wear them to church and show my mother. You see, a few years ago, when I was but a wee teen, I BEGGED, bargained, whined and pleaded for this type of shoe. My mother was stead fast in her denial. I was 'too young' to have a heal that high, it was 'inappropriate' for a girl of my age, I wasn't going to get them, no amount of pleading or begging swayed my mother. I never had a pair of shoes like that as a teen, and yet I never forgot.

Then, one beautiful, sunny day the handsome UPS man brought the box of shoes to my front door! I ripped it open and jammed one on my foot, only to discover.....a nightmare beyond imagination.... my foot is too fat for them.... the pinkie toe, she hung off the side, in between the straps. I have made fun of many a person wearing sandals with a wrong fit, and my friends... pinkie toes hanging off the side cannot be disguised! OH! The agony!!

As it turns out, one person's agony is another person's delight! There are tons of things PrissE and I have in common. Among these things? The same size foot. GREAT! PrissE offers to try them on, and if they fit her, she'll keep them. Guess what? They fit her, and she kept them.... don't get me wrong... she paid me for them, so they are legally HER awesome shoes now. So guess what people.... just because you and your friend both wear a normal size 8, doesn't mean you can both wear the same shoes. PrissE's foot is long and slender.... my foot? More of a square shape.

Every time she wears them, she calls me.... 'Guess what shoes I'm wearing?' I always say, 'Crap, take off my shoes! Damn these fat feet!'

We learn lessons every day. Today's lesson? If your mother says that shoe is inappropriate for your foot, she's probably right, but you NEVER have to admit it!
Wear those shoes PrissE!! Wear them everyday, but if you see my mother, don't tell her I bought them.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Day in 4th Grade

Today, I was a substitute teacher for a 4th grade reading class. It was delightful! I received no fewer than 5 beautiful drawings with hearts, butterflies, race cars and flowers. Here's what I'm wondering..... what are kids thinking?

kid 1: 'I don't get it.'
me: 'what don't you get?'
kid 1: 'this' (pointing to his paper)
me: 'I'm not going to tell you the answer, because that won't benefit you in the long run when you have to take a test over this material. You need to know it. Now, specifically, what don't you get.'
kid 1: 'oh, never mind, I got it.'

kid 2: 'This is for you.' (hands me a picture of a heart)
me: 'thank you! that's very thoughtful!'
kid 2: 'I don't have anything else to do.'

While the class is working, I'm casually strolling around the room. I'm helpful at times, at times I might re-direct a student, but I'm watching them. Does a child think they are invisible when they are picking their noses? Because they pick all day! Please don't touch me you bacteria covered petrie dish! Class, let's take this free time to disinfect our desks.

Will someone please invent a pencil that doesn't ever need to be sharpened? And, before you all say... mechanical pencil crazy Sassy, it's already been invented! I say to you.... children play with pencil lead just as much as they sharpen pencils! It's astonishing! Half way through the day, I put the pencil sharpener in witness protection, no child could find it..... I released the pencil sharpener with 20 minutes remaining in the day. Guess what? Pencils still need to be sharpened before they go home.

Kids...... I don't get it.

Two New Upcoming Blog Series

Look for our new blog-series in the upcoming days:  "Drama Queens!--Short Stories from the Queens' Court"  No drama is too big or too small for this series!
     Episode 1:  "Why Can't it be Me?"

Already in development is our series "Don't 'Patronize' Me!--A Memoir of Customer Service Experiences"  Businesses beware!  Or you'll end up in our blogspot!
     Episode 1:  "Picture This!"

Stay Tuned.........

Monday, September 28, 2009

Not Ready for Prime Time Players at Sassy's House

It's time for me to announce my cast of characters! I am horrible at thinking up 'nick names', so I asked my delightful husband what he would like to be nick named for the blog. His reply, 'Mr. Everything'.... I just said ok, but obviously, that's not going to happen. Here we go:

My delightful husband: the Bossman.
My three teen age/pre teen boys: Jag, Fox & Mav. The latter two are twins, so sometimes they might be referred to as 'the bubs'. Just because, that's why.... also? We've been calling them 'the bubs' since they were born.

Ok, get the obvious out of the way:
No, they aren't identical.
Yes, they are natural (as natural as it can be to have two living human beings growing inside you at one time.)
Ha! Ha! Yes, I'm glad it's me and not you!

There, don't you all just feel so much better? I know I feel better!

Hello Life? Give me some good material to blog about! Until then, thanks for checking in!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Cast of Characters

Before I write any further, it's important that you are familiar with our "Cast of Characters," as you'll be reading about them in posts to come...kind of like our own little "Days of Our Lives!"  For now, though, I'll simply introduce you to my immediate family:
My husband, AKA:  Mr. Analytical
My 9 year old son AKA:  Big
My 5 year old daughter AKA:  Little
and Me AKA:  PrissE

A list of secondary characters in my family will appear as they appear in posts...and I can assure you, they'll show up in future posts!

As for Sassy's bunch...those names are on the way!  I can feel life brewing at their house this very minute!

ShaZaam!!!! We're ON!

After years of wanting to "write," here I am!!  Hilarity and chaos seem to find me and my family quite readily...but it's only been within the last two years that I've put it all down on "paper."  Between Sassy and me, get ready for anything from a wet-your-pants read to a hug-your-neck support...and may be a little here's-what-you-should-do bossiness!  

Thanks to Mr. Analytical, Sassy and I are up and running.  Thanks to Sassy, and the craziness our two lives intertwined create, I'm realizing one of my life's goals!  I would never have the courage to do this without her!  Bring on The Life!

Does This Thing Work?

Everyone is always telling me, 'You should write a book! Your stories are so funny!' Ok, now the blog is up, and I don't have anything to say. Does this thing work? Maybe it does.... thanks to PrissE and that smart guy at her house for figuring it out. You can look forward to her stories, she really is funny!

Now, back to life..... where I'll be looking for the first funny story to write for this here new blog. Wait, where's my lip gloss?