Up On My Soapbox & It's Not Really Very Funny

Late nights. Raw nerves. High emotions. Three volatile ingredients that fuel this post. Get ready friends, I'm up on my soapbox and it's not very funny. Believe me, because I know what is funny! This. Isn't.

Jag got 'Senior' pranked. I guess the entire school got 'Senior' pranked, but I like to keep this blog mainly about me. Or my family. So, let me just tell you what happened to Jag, from my point of view. Because I'm not going to be allowed to speak to the guilty teenagers. (I've already asked.)

All of his school supplies were stolen (pranked) from his locker. It happened sometime Tuesday night, and they're still looking for everything.

Specifically, he doesn't have any notes, books, spirals, graphs, charts or handouts for Honors English, Geometry, History or Chemistry. The teachers and principal are working right now to get him everything he needs. Everything that was stolen (pranked) from 3 1/2 weeks of school work. Teachers are sacrificing their conference/lunch/personal times to make new copies just for Jag. Thank you responsible grown ups for helping Jag right now.

Here's what was stolen (pranked) from Jag that can't be replaced. His sense of time. His ability to organize. His trust. I'm just sitting here right now wondering how to replace 3 1/2 weeks of time for him. Anyone have any ideas?

He had the immense pleasure of briefly getting in trouble in all his classes yesterday for not being prepared for class. He would explain to the teachers that he didn't forget anything, it was stolen (pranked) from his locker. Everything gone. He explained it about 5 times yesterday. I can't imagine the frustration level yesterday. For everyone.

If I have to replace all of Jag's school supplies, I'll be out some cash. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Here's what I want to say about all this. Theft isn't a prank. Vandalism isn't a prank. Our kids can be arrested, charges filed, jail, probation, scholarships lost. Teenagers please think about it.

Is a Senior Prank really worth it?

Do you really want to be remembered as the kid that lost their scholarship or was denied enrollment in college because of a criminal record? Do you want to explain your criminal record to possible future employers for the rest of your life? Because your 'Senior Prank' was a crime? Really?

REALLY?

Back to School -- Pros & Cons

Oh yeah, baby. Back to school.



Pro - Back to routine. Back to normal. Back to some body else being cruise director for my busy boys. Blissfully quiet house.

Con - Setting my alarm clock every morning.



Pro - Friday Night Lights! Football fun! Band crazies! Pep rally mania! Blissfully quiet house.

Con - 95% of my laundry will be green/black.



Pro - Coffee meetings with friends. Lunches with friends. Shopping with friends. (Only on the days I'm not enjoying my blissfully quiet house.)

Con - Sub days (a 'con' that I will enjoy this year!) **fingers crossed**



Pro - Did I mention the blissfully quiet house?

Con - Well, that turns into a con at about week 15.



Adios boys! I want all the details when you get home!

I have to appreciate in my own time. Please, don't rush me.

It's Teacher Appreciation Week at our school. It's May. There are only a few more weeks of school left, and I just had a light bulb moment. Someone should notify Oprah.

Dearest Teachers: I have come to realize I appreciate you more in August and September. At the beginning of the school year, when there's still some bounce in your step and some glimmer of hope in your eyes. The beginning of the year is exciting and full of fledgling dreams. Everything and anything seems within reach. I appreciate you because I know you’re ready to face the new challenges and I know you’re ready to do what needs to be done. Or, at a minimum, I know you're ready to teach to a state mandated test, resulting in future funding for our school. There’s no mountain too high, no valley too low…… etc, etc.

In May, we’ve lived through all those life lessons. I’m not as excited to appreciate you after you’ve ‘done what needed to be done’. I know. It’s necessary. Boys have got to do their growing up. I totally get it. I’m just tired and would rather just wish you a happy summer than spend a day appreciating you at a luncheon. I still baked you some brownies. Totally drug free brownies, so you can enjoy them, honest!!

I feel the need to go on. Let me just update all of the blog-o-sphere.

For example:

To the teacher that ripped my two little guys a new one for a minor infraction while ignoring your own child two steps away holding an innocent third party in a head lock: I’d like to wish you a happy summer. (P.S. If you would have looked up, and taken one breath you would have seen the Bossman over your right shoulder ready to calm the situation with his own off-spring. My baby daddy is so cool like that.)

To all teachers who have labored over trying to teach one dyslexic boy how to spell: he still can’t spell. I apologize. I know it’s my fault because I told him in First Grade that spelling wasn’t a life skill he was going to need. Who knew that was a day he was listening to me? I appreciate you averaging in all those bad spelling grades with the phenomenal grades the boy gets for creative thinking making him look to the outside world all average and stuff. Hey blog-o-sphere…. Google average IQ’s of dyslexic people. Go ahead, I’ll wait.


My dream now is for some super smart computer programmer to make some new dyslexic program to alert the child that although he has spelled a word correctly, it’s not the word he intended to use. I’m dreaming the alert might be some vocal siren type thing that says, “I don’t think this is the word you meant to use. Read it out loud to someone (often your mom) so she can give you the first three letters of the word and we can try again.”

Communities must band together to save the spell check!

To all the teachers that took my boys safely all over the state of Texas all year long for UIL, sports, band, FFA or other activities: You guys are rock stars! I mean that! Thank you for showing the boys something new. They believe you when you encourage them. They are confident you have given them the training and knowledge to succeed. You’re making them better young men, and giving them life experiences to uniquely mold them. These are the things they look forward to, talk about all the time, and remember forever.

Hello world. I’m a 40 year old mom who is only a few weeks away from completely surviving her first year of high school AND her two babies’ first year of junior high school. I’m fatter than I was in August, but no worse for the wear.

Summer is on the horizon.

We’ll be pool side with our brains switched to the ‘off’ position.

Warning to people who think they're funny: The first person that tells me how they feel about my boy driving soon, will be kicked in the face. You can't cry if you were warned.

Muffins with Mom

Today started out in the best possible way.



Here's the story. Last week, PrissE was all dramatic and serious when she asked me for a 'GIANT' favor. It'd be alright if I said No, because this was a really 'BIG' favor. Twenty-bazillion weird ideas were rolling through my crazy brain! I started getting a little concerned about what PrissE was going to ask me to do!

"Would you be able to go next week to 'Muffins with Mom' at Little's school? I'm gonna be out of town that day, and so is Oma. Little is so disappointed that I can't go. I didn't tell her you'd go! I just thought I'd ask."

Whew! Really? That's it? Sure! I can go!

Then, I started the preparations. I called Little to ask what she was wearing. She said I should wear a flower in my hair. So, I started coordinating outfits that would be appropriate with flowers.

Many a text was sent back and forth in the days leading up to Muffins. I started to get even more excited! I went shopping and bought matching flowers for our hair. I went to bed early the night before, and set my alarm to get up a few minutes early, so I'd have plenty of time to get ready.

The morning of Muffins, I woke up early. I got ready excitedly, changing my outfit no less than THREE (3) times before settling on the right combination of turquoise-flowers-rhinestones-sparkly shoes. I dropped my own boys at school early, so I'd have time to drive to Little's school and park, because Little goes to big town school, where there's more than 15 cars in a real parking lot with actual signs and marked parking spaces.

I parked appropriately and dashed into the school building, got directions to the cafeteria, and eventually found Little. Then, something funny happened. She looked surprised to see me!

"Hey Little! I'm here! Is it too late for muffins?"

She smiled, showed me her classroom, I met her teacher, then hustled down to the cafeteria for the Muffins. Funny enough, Little had already had one round of muffins, but since I was there, she showed me the procedure for getting food, and had a second breakfast.

We selected Muffins, and sat at the table to eat. She was being uncharacteristically quiet and a little weird.(You know, even for Little.) I asked her what was up? She just smiled at me and said, "I've missed you."

OK, could you please put my heart back into my chest now?

I've missed you too Little!

Hug. Hug. Hug. Happy. Happy. Happy.

I took this picture of her.



She took this picture of me.




EVERYONE at school thought I was her Aunt, you know, because we have the same hair color, and have similar sassy characteristics. (Like doing the robot during teacher instruction.) At first, I wanted to tell them all I was her 'big sister' because that's all funny on a new level, and that makes PrissE like 20 years or so older than she really is.

I didn't tell any fibs about how we're related. I just told the truth, 'We're best friends.'

Then, someone said, "Well, you look like you go together."



I guess that's the best thing about me and Little. We go together.

Mixing crazy with parenting. One proud moment.

I really like this picture. This is me with Fox. I like it because it hides most all of my jiggly parts and because my sister took it. She did some fancy photo-shopping stuff to it. Anyway, I like it.

I'm super proud. All the boys pulled out all stops and worked really hard this six weeks of school. We've learned some life lessons, and I hope won't make some of the same mistakes again.

I had a brief moment of crazy this morning. In typical Sassy fashion, I didn't save the crazy for just me, I ran up to school and shared the crazy with everyone. Snaps for me. NOT! Anyway, all appropriate apologies and thank yous have been made. Crazy leaks out of me these days, I seem to have lost control of my sanity. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure summer will restore me.

While I'm being all super proud for a moment, I want to risk mixing crazy with a slight chance of embarrassment. I have to share an essay Fox wrote for English class.

Paper not titled

Have you wondered about what the world would be without homeless people? [Mr. Principal] wants to add a new class to the [Jr High School] schedule. I think an architectural class should be added. Having an architectural class would have benefits to the economy like building homes for the needy and homeless, maturing kids with the hard work and responsibilities, and it would come to building 'greener' homes, schools, and buildings. Having an architectural class is the best choice for being added to the schedule.

Building homes for the needy and homeless are some of the many results of having an architectural class. Having homes for half of the homeless people in the US would boost the payment of taxes and the US won't be in debt as much. Another great reason for building homes for the needy and homeless is that more people will live in houses. The people who live in houses have a better chance of getting picked up by the bus to go to school. The more people who go to school means higher education for a better economy. That is one reason for [Jr High School] to have an architectural class.

Maturing kids with hard work can be an awesome reason for having an architectural class. It can be a great reason because kids will learn to build safer building therefore, keeping people safe from natural disasters or fires. It could also make homes better protected from burglary and dropping the theft rate down lower than it was. So picking an architectural class is the way to go.

Having an architectural class would also help make 'greener' schools and buildings. We could learn about building with recycled materials, making less pollution so we are making an environmentally greener buildings. Also, having an architectural class could build self esteem with ourselves for making a 'green' world. Architectural classes would be an awesome choice.

An architectural class is the choice to make to add to the schedule. I think an architectural class is the class to add. Some reasons for adding an architectural class are building homes for the poor, needy and homeless and maturing kids with hard work and it would build 'greener' schools and buildings. I hope you will agree with me to add an architectural class.

At the risk of embarrassing a boy, I had to share. I left everything as he wrote it, only changing some names to protect the innocent. I don't know why he didn't title it. Spell check corrected some spellings or just some typos. That's it.

I wish all you blog stalkers a happy week, with minimal amounts of crazy.

Teachers Matter

Late last night, just before bedtime, Mav brought me a stack of papers all clipped together and just sorta tossed them at me.... 'Here.... it's everything we did in Mrs. C's English class the whole first six weeks, Fox threw his away. We're done with them.'

I thought, OK, whatever... tucked the little boy in bed then flipped through the papers. First of all, Mrs. C writes funny little messages on the papers, that was entertaining! Then, I read one of the 'letter' assignments, and just knew I wanted to share it.

Teachers, just in case you ever wondered if you made a difference in a child's life, please, don't give up. You are important, and it does matter.

Dear Mrs. Coleman,

How are you? How is your school going? You haven't missed me, have you?

My school year is going really good, and I think that I am Mrs. C's favorite student. My favorite class is art because we get to draw. My second favorite class is band because it is fun to play the saxophone. Outside of school, my dad is taking me dove hunting a lot.

You need to talk to my mom on Facebook. Until I walk by your classroom, I guess I should say, 'bye'.

Let me just also tell you that Mav asks once a week if he can visit Mrs. Coleman. She's just one of the teachers in our lives that have made a difference.

Mrs. C gave a different assignment earlier in the six weeks. I'm not sure all the details, but she asked them to write something about a favorite teacher. Neither of them wrote about PrissE (who is a fabulous teacher!) I quizzed them later why they didn't choose PrissE?

They answered with great disgust, 'She never taught US!'




And with that, we know one of the things PrissE will never live down.... a promise to teach a set of twins, that didn't happen, and they will never forget!

** Yes, I know the photo is of three sixth graders, and that's NOT a set of twins, but you've been reading this blog long enough to know that two of them are the twins, and that other one is Mr. D. Plus, it's a cute picture of boys too big for a slide.

** Note to readers... Mrs. Coleman is a real person, real teacher, and all around real awesome person to know. I still love her even though Weight Watchers Points took all her fluff away! Her name has been left the same so that all of you will go up to her and give her a huge hug!

Adventures in Substitute Teaching: At the end of my rope.

I've got Spring Fever.

Spring fever is the absolute worst thing that you can contract as a substitute teacher, because when they call in the morning to ask, 'are you available?' You will always want to say, 'NO!'

I can't always say NO, so sometimes I say, 'OK, I'll be there.' One day, that tiny little voice inside my head (the one that controls good decision making), was SCREAMING at me to say NO! NO! NO! You have spring fever! If you go to school today, some one else might catch it!

I didn't listen.

Then Karma decided to teach me a lesson. People, always listen to the voices in your head, that's the lesson you will learn today. The voices? Just want to help. That's all.

First period: Four lovely boys were tardy. Of course they were tardy! They were hung over from spring fever the day before! I had to repeat the entire lesson four additional times. That wasn't so bad though, because I had a full bottle of my favorite Cran-grape morning juice. So, I could handle anything!

Second period: My entire class (with the exception of one lovely boy), was gone for different UIL events. I thought this would be a breeze! Until, I was called to watch a pot of 8th graders. A pot of 8th graders must be watched carefully, because they boil over very easily. I'm still not worried! I have some juice left.

Third period: I. am. so. hungry. Spring fever has made me want to eat lunch early! OH NO!! I'm out of juice.

Fourth period: All I can think about is lunch. Lessons? Teenagers? It's all a haze to me now. I think I remember trading a Dr. Pepper for a fruit crisp bar. Did we play solitaire on the computer? I may have blacked out.

LUNCH! Sweet glorious lunch! Spring Fever!! LUNCH!!! I ate.

Fifth period: Again, all my students are gone for different UIL events. I'm switched to a watch a pot of 7th graders. (As we all know, 7th graders are the hardest pot to watch.) This particular pot is a dangerous mixture of stupidity, boy and extreme spring fever. Stir with caution. I'm feeling over confident after an especially delicious lunch and a second hydration container of my favorite Cran-grape morning juice. (Never drink the morning juice after lunch!)

As it turns out, one boy ended up with a concussion after lunch time shenanigans, so I used first aide (training from medical TV shows) to keep him alive in the classroom until his mother could pick him up. Every one is safe now.

Sixth period: Merciful last class of my day! These giant teenagers are more whiny than the 7th graders. Karma, forgive me! I'll never ignore my voices again! No juice left. I'm in the middle of substitute teacher break down when a lovely giant boy asks me, 'Do I HAAAAVVVVEEEE to do ALLLLL of this?' In the absolute most horrible whiny voice I've ever heard.

I calmly looked at him and replied, 'I don't give two shakes of a cats tail if you do it or not, just sit down and stop whining.' Then, someone said I cried out for juice, then the bell rang.

Adventures in Substitute Teaching: Thunder Snow

Substitute teaching is always exciting! Recently, I enjoyed a particularly exciting weather incident and decided to email the story to my friend, Amy. The email to her went something like this:

To: Amy
From: Sassy
RE: Winter can leave!!

OH MY GOSH!!! You are NOT going to believe this day!!

It's been raining ALL NIGHT!! Everything is flooded. I have a sub assignment at school for 4th/5th grade math, so I hustle up there. Brrrrr... it's cold and windy, my umbrella nearly didn't make it into the building. Approximately mid-way through the first period the thunder snow starts. HELLO? Have you ever tried to teach a math lesson about angles to a group of 4th graders during a thunder snow? Not the most fun ever. They weren't even interested in my funny names for obtuse and acute angles..... WHATEVER!!

Next comes 2nd period, more 4th graders.... I had just started in really good with the angle lesson, and we're all jazzed up about it when the announcement comes on. EARLY RELEASE! (The Principal should have just yelled, FIRE!! It would have resulted in the same response.) The kids all started yelling and freaking out, so I barely heard the rest of the message..... 'send 4th & 5th grade to lunch at 10am.' (It's currently 9:59am)... So frantically, the teachers (and, I include myself 'loosely' in that group)start sending kids to lunch.

Students and teachers are frantically trying to call parents, because we can't put a child on the bus unless there is going to be someone at home at 12noon to get them, so it was a big, big mess!

** All the while, I'm thinking that I've GOT to call my stamp ladies!! It's snowing heavily already, and the roads have that layer of ice/rain underneath the snow, so I know NO ONE is going to drive in this. **

OH! I forgot to tell you the part when I fell in the mud/snow. Yep, that was a good part. I had about 7 boys in my car, and while I was trying to clean the windows and un-freeze the door hinge on the back hatch of my car, I slipped in mud/snow and twisted my ankle.

Also? I the back hatch is still frozen shut, so I still can't open it up to set up the 3rd row of seats for the extra kids I'm taking home.

Tired yet?

So, we get home, and I call Wendy to talk about the class cancellation, and my phone is buzzing really bad... the lines are super wet, so don't know how much longer we'll have phone/Internet service.

It gets better.

I can't make a cell phone call unless I'm perched on my roof, and with all the snow and ice, and my twisted ankle, it's not really safe for me to make the climb.

Believing all this??

It's true...

So, I was going to send you pics from my cell phone of my charm design, and the snow, but they (the pics) won't send right now because of the whole roof issue (or is it an ankle issue?)

Can you believe this is my life?

Then, I called the Bossman to tell him we were all home and safe, and he didn't even know I'd been at school, and when I told him that I had fallen, he laughed and asked me if the car was alright!! (Seriously, he did that, but all the while knowing I wasn't hurt, so it's fine, I was laughing.) Then, he asked if the DOGS were OK. SERIOUSLY? The dogs?? My reply?.... 'Yes, I already checked them.' Because even if I'm wet with a twisted ankle, I must check my dogs.

Oh, and so we cancelled the stamp class until next week. I'm done with winter.

Adios warm person,
Sassy

PS.... This is an hilarious email... it's a blog post.

Adventures in Substitute Teaching: Why I never became a real teacher.

I don't like everything at school. Sure, the coffee is free, and with enough creamer, it's delicious and makes the day start off delightfully, but that's not really a good reason to become a real teacher. Recently, I've come to realize some of the reasons I never became a real teacher. Let's do it all, 'David Letterman: Top 10 Countdown Style'.

Why I never became a real teacher:
#10: I'm a bad speller.

#9: There's all that 'planning'.

#8: Red tape.

#7: I never learned to 'color' inside the lines.

#6: School starts too early.

#5: Not enough bathroom breaks.

#4: Principals/teachers/any other adult in the building with no sense of humor.

#3: I really can't write small enough to put grades in that tiny grid-marked green grade book thing.

#2: I actually LIKE most children.

AND, the #1 reason why I never became a real teacher:

#1: I have no idea how to make up a list of unreasonable rules and stick to them!

Hey all you teachers out there, some things you can't learn from books. Jump out of the box!

The Seventh Level of Hell (A.K.A. Kindergarten Field Trip)

Friends, get your favorite snack, your most cozy blanket and settle in for a long tale of woes and horrors like none other.  For I have traversed the portals of time, I have left human dimensions...and I have entered...The Seventh Level of Hell!  Also known as the Kindergarten Field Trip!

"Little, get up!  It's field trip day!"

Bad Sign #1:  "I know, Mommy.  I just want to sleep some more."  SSSCCCRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!  This should have been a warning sign...you know, the Mack Truck that collides head-on with me.  Did I heed the warning?  No.  From this point on, I deserve what I get!

Bad Sign #2:  Little's class was the "green group" today.  Every one in the group, including un-medicated, freakishly involved parents such as I.  Not a problem, right?  After all, I did teach for 11 years in a school district whose colors were black, white, and GREEN!  I should have PlENTY of green shirts to wear!  But.......oh, yeah.  Since I quit teaching there over a year ago, I've given all of my green away to those who still live/attend school there.  Hmmmm.  Ah!  Here's a green shirt!  And, it has long sleeves--bonus!  It's only supposed to get up to 71 degrees.  Long sleeves should work nicely for our morning outdoors.

Bad Sign #3:  Said shirt DOES NOT FIT!!!  Now, this is actually a good thing.  It doesn't fit because it's too big--YAY!  (I have been working on this issue as you can read in my blog series "Fat Free")  No green shirt to wear, no time to run to the nearest beacon of hope--Walmart--what's a girl to do?  Wear a white shirt and write the word green on it?  Nah.  Wear a shirt that has green in the pattern, but isn't solid green?  SCORE!

All of the above occurred BEFORE 7:08!  What is it they say in baseball?  3 Strikes and you're out!  Perhaps I should have paid stricter attention to the signs....but, it was only 7:08 and I had not yet had my self-prescribed amount of caffeine.  Hence, we motor forward!

In case you'd like to know where the portal to the 7th Level of Hell is located, I can tell you:  The corner of FM 179 and Donald Preston Drive!  It's opening time, 8:01 AM.  The magic words that must be shouted at the tops of your children's and your lungs are, "MOM!!  WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE FIELD TRIP!  MOM!  I'M GONNA BE LATE!!!"  "I CAN'T GO!!  THERE IS A CAR IN FRONT OF ME AND IT ISN'T TURNING!"  P.S.  If you're in the school zone, and you're in the right lane, and you are NOT turning right, and it's 8:01 AM on field trip morning, TURN RIGHT ANYWAY AND SAVE YOUR LIFE--and the lives of 2 small children!  Or, don't get into the right lane to go straight when you only have 10 feet of lane left beyond the light!!

Finally!  We arrive at school and the teacher conducts about an hour of class....RePRiEVe for me!  "Oh, and parents, I'd like to remind you all that you are welcome to follow us to the Maze but no parent will be able to ride the bus.  Our buses will be filled to capacity with students and teachers."  Really???  AAWWWWW!!!  And I was looking SO forward to spending a joyful, noise-filled, 'Sit Down and Quit Yelling' ride with 100+ 5 year olds!  NOT!!!!!  We load the children and teachers onto the bus, the parents into their cars and OFF we go!

At this point, I should mention that the field trip is to the local Corn Maze...that's right.  We are taking 5 classes of 5 year olds to a maze cut into a field of corn.  Can you visualize this?  The corn stalks taller than the 6-ft. adult men who work there, and we are going to drag about 110 five year old children through this thing with nothing but some parents, five teachers, and a list of questions that we have to answer in order to receive the right direction to turn to find our way out of this maze!

Arrival!  As I exit the safety of my vehicle, I can hear the screams--of delight, I must say--from the bus and the bus is gently rocking back and forth, so I know the kids are jumping up and down, too!  Heaven help us!  As the teacher comes off of the bus and gathers all of my daughter's classmates around her, I hear her give a set of instructions that make me think, "Uh, I didn't agree to this!  I never signed anything and I could totally sue for this!"  She says, "Children, if your parent is here, go stand beside them and take one or two partners with you who don't have a parent here.  Parents, this will be the group you guide through the maze.  Every one partnered up?  Great!  Let's go!"  WHAT?!

Here's my pair...TELL me they don't look VIcIouS!

Into the bowels of Hell we go!  We have our list of questions and our instructions from the Maze/Hell owners:  1.  Don't pick corn off of the stalks.  2.  Don't pick anything up off of the ground.  3.  Don't run.  4.  Don't cut through the corn...stay on the paths.  Are you KIDDING me?  Which one of these is NOT encoded on a 5 year olds DNA????  NONE!

20 minutes, 5 questions and 3 wrong turns later, and much to my surprise and relief, we emerge from intestinal tract of Hell!  We did it...more specifically, I did it!  I got through the maze with the same two children I took in!  I didn't lose anyone and I didn't mame anyone!  We're out!  And, it's lunch time--what rewards!  We eat, we laugh, we visit, we enjoy the children and the other parents who, like me, still have that 'deer in the headlights' look but with a hint of 'okay, i am tough and i can conquer the world' smeared across their faces.

After we eat, I think, "This wasn't so bad.  I could do this again."  Then, the dreaded words that I've been praying not to hear are spoken in an angel's voice, "Parents, children, it's time for the hayride and pumpkin picking!  Are you ready?"  NOOOOOOO!!!!  Alas, we board the hay-laden trailer bound for the pumpkin patch.  As we ride, with dirt being thrown up into our faces because my spawn and her fiendish partner thought it would be great fun to sit right behind the tractor tires, we're given a lesson on pumpkins and subsequent instructions for when we get to the patch to pick our own....WHAT?  You're letting the kids OFF of the trailer to run rampant into a vast field of pumpkins to choose their own?????  Do you KNoW how long this will take!?  Have you ever shopped with my Little???  We'll be here ALL DAY!  In the back of my mind, I'm hearing the kind and loving voice of a dear friend of mine who is the world's authority on safety--she's like degreed and endorsed and certified and everything--"Oh.  This isn't safe.  Allowing children to exit a hayride without at least one adult per child to run around an open field next to a highway isn't safe.  I think we should all stay on the ride, allow the nice tractor-driver-man to cut 100+ pumpkins and hall them to your bus for your teachers to pass out at school.  Yes.  Let's do that."  And, yet...here we are...

Pumpkins in hand, back to the safety of the 'courtyard,'  all children accounted for, all parents accounted for but somewhat ragged and worn, it's time for the CowTrain and Pumpkin Pictures...A.K.A.  the places where parents can stand and breathe for a moment.

Praise the Lord, the words we've waited to hear all morning:  "Parents, children, we have time to take one more picture before we get back on the bus.  Let's all go to the windmill and have our whole class in the picture before we leave."


At 12:42 PM, the bowels of Hell opened up and I was ever so gratefully spat out, war-torn, dirt-coated, and exhausted.  But...I survived!

Spelling Test Morning

** (Email story originally sent out on January 8th, 2008) **

Greetings friends and fellow moms! No one puts this sort of thing in a mom handbook, so thought I'd share this true story.....

7:20am - day of spelling test (We've only been awake a grand total of 5 minutes at this point.)

(Conversation during breakfast)

Me: is the spelling test today?
Bubs: yea
Me: can you spell the words?
Bubs: I don't know, maybe, most of them.
Me: I hate spelling tests

(Conversation, a few minutes later, before we leave for school.)

Me: Fox, spell colorful
Fox: colouerful
Me: no
Fox: (shocked and awed) what?

(Background info: Fox often uses spelling 'tricks' to remember words. They are often random and make no sense to anyone but him.)

Me: here's a trick for you, remember color only has two o's and they represent the two sides of your butt that I'm gonna kick if you don't do well on this spelling test

** strange look from the bubs **

Me: spell colorful
Fox: colorful
Me: see? it worked!
Fox: ** silent, eye roll **
Me: Mav, spell wonderful
Mav: wonderful, I can spell them all
Me: did you hear the trick I told Fox?
Mav: yes
Me: do you think it will help you?
Mav: probably not
Me: everyone get in the car



How many more weeks of school?
More to the point, how many more spelling tests?
YUCK!!

A Day in 4th Grade

Today, I was a substitute teacher for a 4th grade reading class. It was delightful! I received no fewer than 5 beautiful drawings with hearts, butterflies, race cars and flowers. Here's what I'm wondering..... what are kids thinking?

kid 1: 'I don't get it.'
me: 'what don't you get?'
kid 1: 'this' (pointing to his paper)
me: 'I'm not going to tell you the answer, because that won't benefit you in the long run when you have to take a test over this material. You need to know it. Now, specifically, what don't you get.'
kid 1: 'oh, never mind, I got it.'

kid 2: 'This is for you.' (hands me a picture of a heart)
me: 'thank you! that's very thoughtful!'
kid 2: 'I don't have anything else to do.'

While the class is working, I'm casually strolling around the room. I'm helpful at times, at times I might re-direct a student, but I'm watching them. Does a child think they are invisible when they are picking their noses? Because they pick all day! Please don't touch me you bacteria covered petrie dish! Class, let's take this free time to disinfect our desks.

Will someone please invent a pencil that doesn't ever need to be sharpened? And, before you all say... mechanical pencil crazy Sassy, it's already been invented! I say to you.... children play with pencil lead just as much as they sharpen pencils! It's astonishing! Half way through the day, I put the pencil sharpener in witness protection, no child could find it..... I released the pencil sharpener with 20 minutes remaining in the day. Guess what? Pencils still need to be sharpened before they go home.

Kids...... I don't get it.