Monday, April 26, 2010

Adventures in Substitute Teaching: At the end of my rope.

I've got Spring Fever.

Spring fever is the absolute worst thing that you can contract as a substitute teacher, because when they call in the morning to ask, 'are you available?' You will always want to say, 'NO!'

I can't always say NO, so sometimes I say, 'OK, I'll be there.' One day, that tiny little voice inside my head (the one that controls good decision making), was SCREAMING at me to say NO! NO! NO! You have spring fever! If you go to school today, some one else might catch it!

I didn't listen.

Then Karma decided to teach me a lesson. People, always listen to the voices in your head, that's the lesson you will learn today. The voices? Just want to help. That's all.

First period: Four lovely boys were tardy. Of course they were tardy! They were hung over from spring fever the day before! I had to repeat the entire lesson four additional times. That wasn't so bad though, because I had a full bottle of my favorite Cran-grape morning juice. So, I could handle anything!

Second period: My entire class (with the exception of one lovely boy), was gone for different UIL events. I thought this would be a breeze! Until, I was called to watch a pot of 8th graders. A pot of 8th graders must be watched carefully, because they boil over very easily. I'm still not worried! I have some juice left.

Third period: I. am. so. hungry. Spring fever has made me want to eat lunch early! OH NO!! I'm out of juice.

Fourth period: All I can think about is lunch. Lessons? Teenagers? It's all a haze to me now. I think I remember trading a Dr. Pepper for a fruit crisp bar. Did we play solitaire on the computer? I may have blacked out.

LUNCH! Sweet glorious lunch! Spring Fever!! LUNCH!!! I ate.

Fifth period: Again, all my students are gone for different UIL events. I'm switched to a watch a pot of 7th graders. (As we all know, 7th graders are the hardest pot to watch.) This particular pot is a dangerous mixture of stupidity, boy and extreme spring fever. Stir with caution. I'm feeling over confident after an especially delicious lunch and a second hydration container of my favorite Cran-grape morning juice. (Never drink the morning juice after lunch!)

As it turns out, one boy ended up with a concussion after lunch time shenanigans, so I used first aide (training from medical TV shows) to keep him alive in the classroom until his mother could pick him up. Every one is safe now.

Sixth period: Merciful last class of my day! These giant teenagers are more whiny than the 7th graders. Karma, forgive me! I'll never ignore my voices again! No juice left. I'm in the middle of substitute teacher break down when a lovely giant boy asks me, 'Do I HAAAAVVVVEEEE to do ALLLLL of this?' In the absolute most horrible whiny voice I've ever heard.

I calmly looked at him and replied, 'I don't give two shakes of a cats tail if you do it or not, just sit down and stop whining.' Then, someone said I cried out for juice, then the bell rang.


  1. I'm purdy sher that "two shakes of a cat's tail" ain't what you sed!!!!! But I'm just throwin' that out there....

  2. i love your stories and adventures in substitute teaching!! maybe you shouldn't ignore the spring fever feeling though, your body is trying to tell you something you should listen :)

    it is definitely spring fever time!! summer is coming summer is coming the pool is near!!!