Sunday, January 31, 2010

James Cameron, Steven Spielberg, PrissE, Kenny Ortega

 James, Steven, PrissE and Kenny.........What do these four marvelous human beings have in common you ask?  An innate and highly developed sense for 'direction.'  You know, as in movie direction  (stop laughing, Mother.  I didn't mean ordinal direction).

Feeling like you're in Kindergarten and your teacher is playing the record from Sesame Street?

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn't belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others?

Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?

If you guessed this one is not like the others,

Then you're absolutely...right!

Okay.  So maybe I don't belong in this particular group....but, I do have a mere suggestion for one of these cinematic and choreographic geniuses:  

Kenny....Oh, Kenny Ortega.....Your latest project, the Michael Jackson This is It! tour documentary was absolutely amazing!  I loved, loved, loved it!  I haven't thought about Moon Walking across a carpeted floor since, like, 1985--yet, here I am at the precious age of #* (see if you can crack the code) practicing in my living room in preparation for teaching my 5 year old Little how bend and slide and glide across the floor!  And, I'm totally contemplating the return of my Penny Loafers paired with my black-parachute-ankle pants and shiny silver bobby-socks!  A stellar vision to say the least!  

This project rivals your work on Dirty Dancing, St. Elmo's fire, and Pretty in Pink, just to name a few.

Yet, I digress.  Mr. Ortega, Kenny if I may.  I must chastise your lack of dramatic flair for the conclusion of such a monumental piece of pop culture.  Ending the docudrama (just watching the man work causes the audience's emotions to rise and fall with his every breath!) on such a passive scene during such a mellow song left me feeling deflated and robbed of my climactic moment!  

May I make one tiny suggestion?  It really shouldn't set you back too much in terms of time and expense....although the film has been out for a while and the DVD recently released.....oh, well.  No matter.  I'm sure people will pay, again, to see the Really, Now This is It! movie out in theaters and return their old DVDs to purchase the newly released DVD.......I'm sure they would.

All I'm suggesting is a little "rearranging" of sorts.  I think you should play the 'Man in the Mirror' sequence before the scene with all of the cast/crew and Michael circled up for the attaboy, way to go, give me your all pep talk.  The movie should end with the pep talk, then the cheer you all circle up and do where you say, "Every body, Michael on three.  One....Two....Three!  MICHAEL!!!!!!"  shouts and hands in the air encircling Michael.......and SCENE!

There.  See?  You can see it in your head, now.  I'll text you my digits so that you can ring me and give me 411 on when you'll be sending me my newly-edited and autographed copy of the DVD.

p.s. The bonus material of MJ's costumes and designs is PHENOMENAL!!!  "If Swarovsky's never seen crystals used this way, the world's never seen this before!"  Now THAT is good TV!!!!  

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I need a little help.....

I can't think of a good 'theme'. Last year, I hosted a stamping and scrapbooking retreat. We had the absolute best time EVER!!!

Lots of stampers and scrapbookers brought all their crafting supplies, and we worked on projects for an entire weekend. It was glorious!

Last year, we completed:
173 scrapbook pages
91 cards
1 bitty book
10 different sorts of gifts
and random other little things, that didn't get counted.

We also, ate and ate and ate and ate, some of the most delicious food ever! The retreat falls near my birthday, so my awesome friends surprised me with a now famous, 'Mrs. Cavitt chocolate sheet cake' and some beautiful hand made cards, that I still have on display in my home.

Okay, now here's my problem. Last year's retreat theme was cool. I thought of it quickly and easily, and I knew just what I wanted to do with the logo.

This year? I can't decide what to do. My only thought so far is: 'Love to Laugh'

Anybody got any better ideas?

Friday, January 29, 2010

Riddle Me This...

Today, I find myself in a state of perplexity...a complete discombobulation even!

My sweet Little is precious, kind, sharp-witted, and talkative (to say the least!).  In a nutshell, she's got my personality - the filter + hyper-opinionation (it's a word because I say it's a word!)!  She's a pistol!

At the tender and impressionable age of 5, Little studies piano--Yes, studies! Each week for half an hour she has a private lesson with a precious, yet stern, handsome college man at a premier children's music studio.  He sets high expectations for her and rewards her accordingly when she reaches them (--good girl!  here's a scooby snack! just a little sarcasm....but, I digress).

Upon picking her up from her last lesson, Precious-Piano-Man tells me what a great job Little did, he could tell she'd been practicing, he's very proud of her, and she completed her first-level book!  YAY, Little!!

As we're leaving, I say:
     So!  How many tokens did you earn tonight for doing such a great job???

Her reply, as the beaming smile slides from her face:

Me:  WHY NOT???

Her:  Because I put my toe in my mouth and Precious-Piano-Man didn't like it.

Me:  WHAT?!?  Were you playing the piano WITH YOUR FEET?!?!

Her:  My toe was itching.  I took off my boot and sock to scratch it, but I scratched it with my teeth.  Precious-Piano-Man didn't like it.  He didn't give me a token.

Me:  ??!?!?!?!??

Thursday, January 28, 2010


My brain is going in 10 different directions right now, so it seems like a perfect time for a Randomography Post. Get ready!

Have you ever wondered, 'How did I get here?'

Just when I'm beginning to wonder if there's anything LESS enjoyable than spending the day with a group of 9 year olds, I have a conversation like this:

Manuel: How old are you?
Me: How old do you think I am?
Manuel: Are you over 19?
Me: Yes, Manuel I'm over 19. Are you over 19?
Manuel (laughing): You know I'm not over 19 yet.
Me: Maybe not, but you will be soon. Why do you want to know how old I am?
Manuel: I was just wondering, because we're friends, and I need to know how old my friends are.
Me: Manuel, that's so nice! I like it that we're friends.
Manuel: Me too. Do you think we'll still be friends when I'm over 19 too?
Me: Yes Manuel, I'm pretty sure we'll still be friends when you're over 19 too.

The rest of the day was so nice! Thank you 3rd grade!


Recently, Mav had the opportunity to select some new glasses frames. He finally selects a wonderful metallic blue pair, not too flashy, but super cool. He's admiring himself in the mirror at the doctor's office, with Jag close by.

Mav: Do you like my new frames? I think they make me look sexy.
Jag: Sure, they're pretty cool, but I don't think they make you look sexy.
Mav: I think they do. (Strikes a pose in the eye doctor's office.)
Jag: Hey Mav, trust me on this one. You don't want to be looking sexy yet. I just had my first date this year (8th grade) and from what I've learned, girls are a lot of trouble.


So, how did I get here? How did I get to the middle of this laundry pile? Actually, the middle of the pile is not so bad, it's the bottom that smells. I have decided that the worst smell in my laundry room is lamb poop. I also don't know why the only days my kids actually leave things in their pockets are the same days I don't check the pockets. A pocket full of Hershey kisses is wonderful in every way, except when those pockets are exiting the dryer.


Long, long ago, when I actually was 19, I never imagined there was a difference in the smells of poop. I wouldn't have guessed that someday I would be able to distinguish the subtle differences between lamb poop, goat poop, dog poop, pig poop and people poop. Now, I can tell you what poop is in my laundry room immediately upon entering my house. That's like 12 feet away and down the hall! So, I'm sort of a poop smelling super hero or something. That's not the super power I would have imagined myself having back when I was 19.


How did I get here? Does it really matter?

Here's what I know today: I'm over 19. I'm really good at doing laundry, and my sense of smell is sharper than ever. If you are ever lucky enough to have a pocket full of Hershey Kisses, then you should eat them all! One of my kids wears glasses like me, and we both look sexy when we wear them.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Givin' PROPS!

This is me and my impatient, entitled, and in a hurry self giving a shout out to....well, ME (and Lovely-Sales-Lady at Rack Room Shoes)!

A little background on me:  1) I don't appreciate other drivers driving on my roadways and getting in my way.  2) I'm not a fan of the general public as they tend to annoy and frustrate me when we're in public together.  3) I believe that sales-people should 'hop-to' when I walk into their stores with their best efforts to separate me from my greenbacks and send me on my way with fabulous wares.  4) I am writing a customer service book (from the picky-consumer's--that's me--perspective).  Many will find themselves in it....whether it's positive or negative, only publishing will tell!  5) In short, I'm not an easy sale and even more difficult to satisfy!

The current situation:  My sweet son, Big, was home sick, my lovely husband, Mr. Analytical was still at work, and my precious daughter, Little was in dire need of a new pair of tennis-shoes.  Our solution:  Big could stay home by himself from the time it takes Mr. Analytical to get from the hospital to the house and I would take Little to get her shoes.

Little and I head to Rack Room Shoes--not my favorite shoe-haunt, but it's close to our house and the time is nearly 5:00 P.M.....uuggghhh, traffic! 

It takes us only 10 minutes to find her tennis-shoes, a cute pair of casual shoes, and a pair of new tennis-shoes on clearance for me!  BONUS!!  We load up our goodies and light on the checkout counter really excited that we'll be out of the store before the 5:00 o'clock chime.

Lovely-Sales-Lady, who is half the reason it only took us 10 minutes to find our prudent necessities (she rocks!), rings up our purchases, swipes my card, follows the on-screen instructions on the register and we wait for my receipt to print so that we can be on our merry new-shoe-toting way...............and we wait..........and we wait.................and Lovely-Sales-Lady begins pressing the 'Enter' button on the keyboard rather adamantly.  However, it is to no avail.  The register is frozen (due to the overabundance of $$$ in my account, registers all over the world sometimes lock-down....NOT!)!! 

Lovely-Sales-Lady tells me that she's sorry and doesn't know what has happened.  She thinks the transaction went through, but the screen is frozen with an error message on top of the 'Approved' status of the transaction.  She hates to move to the other register and re-do the transaction because then I might be charged twice....she'll call her boss...give her just a moment....her boss says she needs to pull up the transaction on the computer in the back office to verify the completion of the transaction and print a receipt.  She'll be right back and she is SO sorry for the inconvenience!  

Typically, at this point, I'd be frustrated about the technical melt-down and aggravated with the sales-person for not being able to solve the issue.  It would all be exacerbated by the fact that my 5yr. old Little is 'shopping all over the place while she waits' and I'm still concerned about Big possibly being home by himself....However, I find myself in this crazy state of calm and, dare I say, understanding....I wonder if hell is scheduled to freeze over anytime soon?!?  The weather man did say to expect our recent temps in the 60's to be replaced by freezing rain and snow TOMORROW!  I'm just sayin......

Lovely-Sales-Lady comes back with proof of our transaction and receipts to boot!  She apologizes profusely--but not annoyingly profusely.  She tells me how much she appreciates my patience and hopes I'll shop Rack Room Shoes again.  We say our good-byes and part ways. Lovely-Sales-Lady, I say, 'PROPS' for doing your job, remaining calm and professional and somehow shrouding me with your spells of peace and tranquility!  You must've been born with a shoe-spoon-wand in hand and customer service magic dripping from your lips!

To me...'PROPS' for not being a pain in the collective sales-force butt--pleasant and understanding even!!!!  YES!  A store I wasn't 'invited to leave and not return!' 

And, here is my reward for just such a positive and kind consumer-attitude (check out the Zebra laces!):


Monday, January 25, 2010

Savant?...I Think NOT!

From time to time, you've probably gotten some great e-jokes that you've forwarded to anyone and every one in your address book (and some that are not so great--keep those to yourself!).  On occasion, some of those e-jokes have proven to be completely fictitious while others, though almost too hilarious to be anything but fictitious, were startlingly true.  

Sassy, me and the staff here at Tales are no exception!  In fact, since beginning this crazy roller-coaster adventure of blogging, we've received tons of emails from readers wanting to "share the wealth!"  Here's just one of those e-jokes......but, be not take a drink while reading as we are not responsible for the damage projectile-nose-launching-liquids may inflict on your computer! (p.s. any similarities between you and the people represented in the situations below is purely--well, maybe not--coincidental....but we'll never tell!)   

      We had to have the garage door repaired. The-Major-Appliance-Retailer repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one The-Major-Appliance-Retailer made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said:  

     'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.'  
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said: 
     'NO, it's  not.'  Four is larger than two.  
We haven't used The-Major-Appliance-Retailer repair since.

      My daughter and I went through the Popular-Golden-Arched-Fast-Food-Burger-Chain's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, 'you  gave me too much money.'  I said, 'Yes I know,  but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'  She sighed and went  to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.   I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
Do not confuse the clerks at You-Know-Where!

     I live in a semi rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign  on our road.. 

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore..'
From Some-Town, KS


     My daughter went to a local Mexican-Fast-Food-Bell-Chain and ordered a taco... She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal Lettuce.'  He said he was sorry,  but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

      I was at the airport, checking-in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my
knowledge, how 
would I know?'  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Some-Town, Ala.

     The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.   I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' 
She  was a probation officer in Some-Town, KS

      At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:  She was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing.'  Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun.  We  should do this more often.'  Not
another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Certain-State-Instruments...
      I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on....
A deputy with the Some-Huge-Town-In-TX-County Sheriff’s office, no  less.

      When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door.  As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply, 'I know.  I already got that side.'
This  was at the Ford dealership in Some-Town, MS

     A woman drove to the bank drive in window to cash a check.  The teller told the woman that in order to cash her check she would need to see her drivers license.  All in a huff, the woman drove away in apparent disgust.  Momentarily, she came back to the same teller.  When once more the teller told her she needed to see her drivers license, the woman replied, 'You didn't see the license when I drove around???

They walk among  us... And They REPRODUCE

(A BIG shout out to 'Abner,' 'Woody,' & 'Opa' for promoting 'awareness' and keeping us on our toes!)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Celebrity Sighting #2!

It's no secret that I'm obsessed with "spotting" famous people!  After all, I've met and seen several celebrities over the years while going about my daily life!

In college I did meet George Straight at our respective dentist's office.  I sat next to Andre the Giant on an airplane once (and I can attest to the accuracy of his 'name'...).  I have a dollar bill signed by Marsha Sharp at a local high school basketball game, and the list goes on.

If you'll remember, back in October I spotted country music legend Crystal Gayle heading into Lubbock's new Barnes & Noble.  Well, 2010 is proving to be just as celebrity-filled as ever!

While doing my bi-weekly grocery shopping at the local United Supermarket here in Lubbock, who should I see?  Check it out:

It's the One, the Only, the legendary Gambler......


'After All This Time,' every 'Desperado' has to eat!  Why not hit the local United, 'Lucille'?  There's probably not a grocery anywhere on the 'Islands in the Stream!'

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Update on the organizing.

I know everyone is wondering how my New Year's Resolution is going. Remember? I resolved to clean out closets this year. That resolution also includes tops of things, like counters, shelves and the dryer.

Well, thank you for asking! It's going pretty well. I admit that I'm not as excited about the idea as I was a few weeks ago, but I'm still cleaning things out.

Recently, I took care of a horribly cluttered shelf. I got rid of tons of costume jewelry, old lotions, perfumes and hair accessories dating back to the '80s. Now, I realize I have 28 pairs of fish hook earrings.

Impressive, right?! What's more impressive is that I've kept it like this for almost 3 weeks now, and I have been wearing earrings everyday. It's not like I cleaned it all out, organized the earrings and stopped wearing them. NOPE! The fish hooks are all still in place. YAY me!

Let's have a day of 'YAY ME' in the responses. Cheer for yourself! What's happening in your life that makes you say, YAY ME??!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Save the Date! "Putting Together the Details..."

While perusing old photos and reminiscing over some old articles in our family albums, my sweet Little made a simple, yet oh-so important discovery:  her momma used to have a different last name (before I was married to Mr. Analytical, that is)!

Little's conclusion:  Once she's married (at some point in her late 20's, early 30's), she, TOO, will have a new last name!

Little:  So, Mom!  Your name used to not be "PrissE Analytical?"  You used to be "PrissE Bill?"  (I      should preface this by telling you that 'Bill' is my dad's first name...not my maiden name.  Maybe Little doesn't have a great grasp on this 'name' thing, yet.)  Oh!  Wait!  You used to be PrissE Yoakum!  (Aha!  She's got it now.  Yoakum is my maiden name.)

     PrissE:  That's right.  When Daddy & I got married, I took his last name.

     Little:  So, someday I'll be "Little Holtman?"  

     PrissE:  I suppose so.....

Big, Little and her future husband, Jag, Mav, & Foxy.....could be any one of these boys on any given day!

The conundrum?  Which one will she marry?  We'll know for sure immediately after all of the vows are exchanged and the paperwork with the county clerk is signed and stamped!


Monday, January 18, 2010

Dear lady behind me in line at the Walmart:

You should know if you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me, there will be consequences.

First of all, I give everyone one 'free pass deep sigh.' We're all entitled to one. The first deep sigh could represent a number of things.

For example:
**deep sigh** 'wow! this line is long.' or

**deep sigh** 'I sure hope I got everything on the list.' or

**deep sigh** 'I wish my hair was as cute as that lady in front of me.' (I get that last one A LOT!)

So, as I already said, your first 'deep sigh' is a freebie. Use it wisely.

If you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me as I'm loading up the conveyor belt, you better have the guts to look me in the eye when I look back to give you the visual warning. Look lady, there's a chance that the guy in front of me would like to have some space for his frozen pizzas and cans of chili. I'm not going judge him on that deal. Give him some space please! I'm not going to PUSH him forward into the two elderly ladies that have loaded the conveyor belt up with broccoli and boxed wine. I might be one of those old ladies some day. If we like to visit and look around while we check out, ease up! We're old ladies!!

If you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me again as I'm actively NOT pulling my buggy far enough forward for you, then you better hope I don't poke a hole in this giant dog food bag, because have you ever experienced how long it takes the Walmart to clean up a spilled bag of dog food and bring you another one? It takes some time lady, ease up!!

If you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me again as I'm running my credit card and NOT signing fast enough for you, then you need to be prepared to listen to a conversation between me and the check out girl as I compliment her new tattoo. If this conversation irritates you, and you make the life choice to 'deep sigh' at me again, then you need to be prepared for a faked seizure.

Lady, do you realize I'm a stay at home mom at the Walmart with no children? I have like 5 hours to kill! I totally have time for a faked seizure before I've got to pick the boys up at school. Do you have any idea how long it takes a tattooed check out girl to realize a seizure is being faked?

If you are lucky enough to survive all your bad choices, then you certainly shouldn't 'deep sigh' at me one final time, as I don't back out of my parking space in a timely enough manner. Okay, maybe I didn't actually hear that final 'deep sigh', but I imagined that's what you meant when you flipped me off.

Ease up lady! The Walmart will still be here tomorrow.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Random Sevens

Have you ever read another blog and loved the idea?

I like the number 3. I have three boys.

There's this one:

There's that one:

And, of course the other one:

Because this blog post is all about random sevens, I'll go ahead and tell you they all used to be smaller:

And, before that, they were even smaller:

Before that, I really don't remember much, because I wasn't a very good mommy way back then, so I choose to forget those parts. Okay, not totally forget, but certainly don't blog about. I like to enjoy our boys today. They're way more fun now than then, and that's okay too.

Sometimes I make a really cool project, and I like to share it:

I love to scrapbook, so I love to share those projects the best of all. I think that's seven! Seven of my favorite pictures. That's random. That's seven. Happy Saturday!


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Dear Madame "Pilfer"y...whose name shall be changed!

UH. MA. LAWD!!!!  People, PUHLEASE!!  Can we ALL get on the same ‘social grace’ page?  I was SO taken aback by this inquiry that I had to go to “my gurls” (and * snaps * to Sassy & PrissE for successfully peeling me off of the ceiling—albeit with a little coaxing from my friend, Pinky Tuscandero…) for some “are you kidding me?  Can you puhlease tell me how this can even be true” support!

First, we must revise your signature…..if you have NOT ‘pilfered’ anything (which, YOU HAVE NOT), then you must not carry said title in your name.  Therefore, you shall, henceforth, be known as “Madame Mercy,” because it took a #&!! Of a lot of mercy not give that man a 3D snack on little thing my precious cousin—homage to ‘The Bolt’—used to call a “slobber knocker”… a.k.a. YOUR FIST!

To quote “my gurls:”

PrissE:  “When he ‘tattled’ on you, you should’ve approached him and asked to see his 3D-Badge!  After all, he must’ve been a member of ‘the force,’ right?  I surely hope that the prison in which they put you isn’t just 2D!  What good would those glasses do you there?!?  And, your hair would just be ‘flat’ all of the time!  No fun.”

Sassy:  “And, the next time you go to that theater to see a 3D movie and the ticket-girl hands you a brand-new pair of glasses, you should slide them right back at her and tell her ‘I’m sorry.  These aren’t my size.’  Then, ever so elegantly slip yours out of your handbag and slide those puppies onto your face like you were Jackie O!” 

Now, Madame Mercy, if you haven’t figured it out just yet, YOU TOTALLY OWN THOSE GLASSES!  When we pay $8 and sign a lien on our home for ticket prices to see a movie in the theater these days, whatever little visual aid we receive is rightfully ours.  Possession is 9/10 of the law, and I’ve got a foot with anyone’s name written squarely on the toe who says it ain’t.  I’m just sayin…

Love & Grace to you, Madame Mercy!
From:  The “3D’s”  (props to “my gurls!”  I would’ve committed a felony without you on this one!)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dear Diva...

Dear Diva,

I have been eating right and drastically reducing my caffeine for a week so my brain is not working as it should-still recalibrating...I have a question...Can you keep the glasses after a 3D movie if you want to?  I mean isn't that why the tickets are a bit higher?!?  I know there are the recycling boxes at the exits-but is it against the law to keep them?

So, my husband has been working every darn weekend since Christmas and the boys and I were about to "roll" each other so we go to the delightful movie theater in Nearbyville to see Avatar in 3D. It's only showing at 7:00 because we live in the middle of nowhere!!!  I swear to the patron saint of movies that the old man who walked out in front of us told the manager that he didn't think the two boys coming out turned their glasses in!  I got dizzy and confused and thankfully the Holy Spirit took over my suffering body and led me to the Jesus Van without getting arrested!

Did I allow my children to steal 3D glasses or did I pay for them with an increased ticket price?  Geez-we're not gonna throw them away and kill the Earth-we're gonna see if any part of life is 3D or maybe put them in a scrapbook to remember the night!

Madame "Pilfer"y....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Drama Diva: "Try It Again!"

Winter time in the city. Ah, the joys of 3 degrees, chenille and soft, fuzzy boots. A Drama Diva could certainly get used to this!

Time for a warm email check! Hmmm.... how many Divas need my help today?

After a few minutes of reading and replying, I feel the need to issue a Drama Diva Mandate:

Asking a Drama Diva (specifically ME) the SAME question 5 times wording it differently in each email to lengthen the time I'm irritated, will not result in a different answer.

SLAM! (That was my foot soundly hitting the floor.) Keep trying it idiot blog-o-sphere, it won't work.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear Rockin' Rack

Dear Rockin' Rack,

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!  Form of, "DON'T BE JEALOUS because mine are REAL!"  I completely hear you, gurl and can ToTaLlY empathize!!  Loving the skin you're in is NOT optional in a diva's life!

First and foremost:  Diva gives props to anyone and every one who support the causes that help to "stamp out disease!"  So, to the clerk who "checked you out" at the register--and was sporting jewelry to support his fave cause--I say PROPS!

Now, to the aforementioned clerk who should've "checked you out," but very obviously had a seizure that prevented him from performing his obligations of support:

"Dude!  If you so choose to support a cause by purchasing and showcasing it's merchandise,
yet you feel the desperate need to guiltily justify your choice upon receiving 'attention' for said merchandise, be prepared for me to whip out my Drama Diva Pink Hanky (these are exclusive 'thank you's to those who have 'fanned, followed, and submitted letters to' TftC specifically seeking Diva's advice) --adorned with a beautifully hand-beaded inscription:  "I wipe 'DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS' looks off of dumb boys' faces!"--and wipe that "OMG!  How do I justify my testosterone-fueled-stupidity!" look off of your face!

Miss Rockin', we Divas have a social & fashionably forward responsibility to the general public to hold each and every fashion-career-salesperson accountable for his/her own accessory choices (as duly noted in the official 'Diva Handbook in *Section: Ethical Responsibilities; +Subsection: Fashion Responsibilities')!  We would be completely remiss if we ignored poor accessory choices/justifications and allowed those "in the profession" to unsafely accessorize or promote unsafe accessorization" to their customer base!  We MUST not fear our accessories and the statements they make!  It's just bad business!

In conclusion, Miss Rockin', because of your bold inquiry of a perfectly reasonable fashion accessory and a total understanding of the perpetrator's misuse & misrepresentation of his cause-support, I give you Drama Diva's Approval to apply for your "Fashion Standards" certificate, subsequently allowing you to move on to working toward your certification in "Social Graces."  CONGRATS, Diva-in-training!!  You are on your way to being "the complete package!"


Friday, January 8, 2010

Dear Diva....

Dear Drama Diva,

I consider myself to be a 'Drama Diva in training'. This might be an easy question, but I feel compelled to ask it.

Should I be offended that the young MAN that checked me out at the register today at the Old Navy, was wearing a leather bracelet with the inscription, 'I LOVE BOOBIES?'

Further than that, I have a pretty nice set of boobies, and he didn't compliment mine. What's up with that?

Can you help a new Diva?

Really nice Rack, or so I thought.....

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Dear Displaced......

Dear Displaced Diva,

This is America! The good ole, U S of A! As an Olympic shopper, you are entitled an outburst here and there. It's in the training manual. (At least the copy I have, paragraph 15, subsection b. upon the 3rd offense in a row, rude people must be yelled at.)

First, you must appropriately label the LadyBug as an Olympic shopping vehicle. Any standard, handicapped parking sign will work, as you can combine that with WHAM! (or any other totally kick ass 80's music) and a CB radio to complete the Olympic shopping vehicle regulations. This way, motorists will give you the appropriate passageway with out any bird flipping.

Drama Diva snaps for keeping the giant dog safe. Giant dogs are an important element to any Diva's royal party. Their safety must remain within the top 10 important things to remember while driving. (Other 9 important things to remember while driving will be announced as necessary.)

Second, you must remember that any ATM machine currently serving other motorists should only be used by a 'Diva in Distress'. As defined by the Diva manual,

"Only a Diva in Distress shall be allowed to stand in a line for service. Otherwise, Divas should only frequent places that use lines during 'off' hours, in an attempt to minimize the amount of time a Diva is inconvenienced."

Now, this is the tricky part, because how is a Diva always going to be able to avoid lines? Really, I don't know. All I know for sure, is that if I arrive in a loud enough manner, the seas part, and there is no line. So, next time you drive up to a ATM otherwise engaged, turn up the volume or use the recently installed CB to hurry up the masses. A friendly, 'Hurry up please, I'm waiting here to withdraw the down payment for the birth of my first child..... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... I'm ready to PUSH!' should cause people to pull up. At least, it worked last week for me.

I always say, 'you catch more flies with honey than with swatters,' however; I found that to be less true when I tried a fly strip.... but, I digress.

Lastly, I must address the ring tone. Please. At this point, I feel like the entire Diva universe should applaud you! Tacky ring tones are the giant hairy mole on the face of an otherwise pleasant general public. If you must shop with the masses, the very least you can do is point out when a person has a tacky ring tone. Really? I don't think this was what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind.

Dearest Displaced Diva, I certainly hope I've been able to help you with this matter. Never doubt your shopping super powers! We can ALWAYS find someone to BLAME, after all..... bratty isn't even in the Drama Diva Dictionary! How could that possibly be true?

I'd also like to take this opportunity to THANK YOU for serving our country as an Olympic Shopper. There are so few of us. Your embroidered jacket should be arriving soon.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"Dear Diva...."

Dear Diva,

I recently spent an afternoon out on the town ready to shop till I dropped!  First stop--the ATM.  This should be an "express" stop, right?  I was there waiting for the 3 cars in front of me for over 20 MINUTES!  FINALLY!  My turn.....the issue:  after about 1 minute per car, I was ready to lay on the horn and scream, "This is to QUICKLY access your account!  NOT 'fill out loan documents and sign away your first born!'  If you don't have $$$$ MOVE ON!"  I did, however, resist so as to avoid Homeland Security and cut my shopping day short with a trip to the clink!

Pulling out of the "full service" ATM, the smooth holiday crooning of that timeless sensation, WHAM! seemed to bring my BP back down to normal and I pointed my precious 'LadyBug' in the direction of my next destination--the NEW Barnes & Noble!

As I was driving--safely and within all legal & posted limits--I found myself behind a s..l..o..w..moving pick-up truck with a beautiful Great Pirinese in the back end.  Being the considerate and thoughtful person I am, and only thinking of the pooch's safety, I moved into the left passing lane--with the finesse of a professional and the safety that only a driver's ed handbook could appropriately illustrate--and passed the leisurely moving truck.  To my total shock and dismay, the driver flipped me off!!!  FLIES HER BIRD AT ME!!!  My first instinct:  Follow her to her destination, use my sound-barrier-breaking scream to express the wrong she's inflicted and piously preach my selfless concern for her exposed pooch!  After only a moment's consideration, however, said pooch brought me cause to consider the ramifications of approaching his owner in anger while he's not properly leashed & secured.....

Opting for my own safety, I continued on to my intended destination......did I mention the B&N is NEW??  AND 2-Stories!!!

AAAAHHHH!  Arrival!  I smelled the newness, the paper, and the fragrant aroma of the life-giving elixir known as coffee.  I found the book of my heart's desire, bought my favorite luscious mocha, and planted myself in a wonderfully cushy spot to enjoy my purchases......

That is when the proverbial straw caused this camel to come completely unhinged!

What was "the straw," you ask?  An ignored and ringing cell phone!!!  Sounds harmless, right?  Not so harmless to the lady whose phone was ringing......

Apparently, in a moment of what most professionals labeled a "psychotic break (whatever!)," I shouted a multitude of chastisements rivaling a New York-Mafia-Sailor.  I don't recall most of them (my paperwork says it's "post traumatic stress-amnesia resulting in temporary insanity--again...whatever!).  But, as I regained consciousness, I heard myself shouting, ".....AND JESUS DOES NOT ALLOW CELL-RECEPTION IN HEAVEN!  SO, GUESS WHERE YOU'RE GOING?????"

Needless to say, the "new" B&N won't be so new when I'm allowed--legally--to darken it's doorway....

Diva--do I need meds??  Maybe therapy??  Is this really my problem, or is it just the general public totally losing all social courtesy?  How can I get a grip so that I don't have to be relegated to.....dare I say shopping only?  Shopping is one of my personal life missions!  It's one of my super-powers! I'm an OLYMPIC-skilled shopper!!!!


"Displaced New-Yorker??  or just a bratty Drama Queen??"

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Rumors of my incarceration have been greatly exaggerated.

Happy New Year! Hey blog world? What's your New Year's Resolution?


I'm so glad you asked.

I think it's time to clean out closets at my house. It's been ** cough ** a long time.

The Bossman was cleaning out his side of the closet a few nights ago, and came upon some old costumes. They're striped 'prison inmate' costumes. Mav wants to know what they are, and why do we have them?

Bossman: That's what your mom used to wear in jail.
Bossman: Yes. She won't wear them anymore. Too many bad memories....
Bossman: Yes. Go ask her.

The boys run in and ask me, 'Mom? Have you ever been in jail?' I reply, (because I'm all clever and sarcastic), 'Who wants to know?'

OK, that was my mistake. Now, here's my problem.

My children think I've been in jail. They think I was only in jail on the weekends, because I had work release during the week. (Thank you Bossman for putting too much realism into the sarcastic story.) Those boys never even asked what I was locked up for. They just believed that I could be locked up for something.

The only way I was able to convince them that I'd never been locked up was to tell them that the school wouldn't have hired me if I had a record.

Problem solved. Or, so I thought.

Bossman tells them that my record is sealed to protect National Security. Great! Now homeland security is involved.

I certainly hope border patrol never pulls us over. I might get a free trip to Mexico. At least, there wouldn't be snow.

It's not all bad.... Mav won't jingle keys around me anymore. He doesn't want to 'stir up any bad memories of my time in jail.'