Thursday, January 7, 2010

Dear Displaced......

Dear Displaced Diva,

This is America! The good ole, U S of A! As an Olympic shopper, you are entitled an outburst here and there. It's in the training manual. (At least the copy I have, paragraph 15, subsection b. upon the 3rd offense in a row, rude people must be yelled at.)

First, you must appropriately label the LadyBug as an Olympic shopping vehicle. Any standard, handicapped parking sign will work, as you can combine that with WHAM! (or any other totally kick ass 80's music) and a CB radio to complete the Olympic shopping vehicle regulations. This way, motorists will give you the appropriate passageway with out any bird flipping.

Drama Diva snaps for keeping the giant dog safe. Giant dogs are an important element to any Diva's royal party. Their safety must remain within the top 10 important things to remember while driving. (Other 9 important things to remember while driving will be announced as necessary.)

Second, you must remember that any ATM machine currently serving other motorists should only be used by a 'Diva in Distress'. As defined by the Diva manual,

"Only a Diva in Distress shall be allowed to stand in a line for service. Otherwise, Divas should only frequent places that use lines during 'off' hours, in an attempt to minimize the amount of time a Diva is inconvenienced."

Now, this is the tricky part, because how is a Diva always going to be able to avoid lines? Really, I don't know. All I know for sure, is that if I arrive in a loud enough manner, the seas part, and there is no line. So, next time you drive up to a ATM otherwise engaged, turn up the volume or use the recently installed CB to hurry up the masses. A friendly, 'Hurry up please, I'm waiting here to withdraw the down payment for the birth of my first child..... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... I'm ready to PUSH!' should cause people to pull up. At least, it worked last week for me.

I always say, 'you catch more flies with honey than with swatters,' however; I found that to be less true when I tried a fly strip.... but, I digress.

Lastly, I must address the ring tone. Please. At this point, I feel like the entire Diva universe should applaud you! Tacky ring tones are the giant hairy mole on the face of an otherwise pleasant general public. If you must shop with the masses, the very least you can do is point out when a person has a tacky ring tone. Really? I don't think this was what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind.

Dearest Displaced Diva, I certainly hope I've been able to help you with this matter. Never doubt your shopping super powers! We can ALWAYS find someone to BLAME, after all..... bratty isn't even in the Drama Diva Dictionary! How could that possibly be true?

I'd also like to take this opportunity to THANK YOU for serving our country as an Olympic Shopper. There are so few of us. Your embroidered jacket should be arriving soon.


  1. I personally don't understand why anyone would be tying up the ATM line for so long. Don't they realize there is no money in their account long before they reach that little machine? Then they just stare at that little receipt like it will magically change and all this cash will start pouring out. Move along people, you spent that money remember?

  2. drama diva sayeth it to be so...... so it is.