Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"Dear Diva...."

Dear Diva,

I recently spent an afternoon out on the town ready to shop till I dropped!  First stop--the ATM.  This should be an "express" stop, right?  I was there waiting for the 3 cars in front of me for over 20 MINUTES!  FINALLY!  My turn.....the issue:  after about 1 minute per car, I was ready to lay on the horn and scream, "This is to QUICKLY access your account!  NOT 'fill out loan documents and sign away your first born!'  If you don't have $$$$ MOVE ON!"  I did, however, resist so as to avoid Homeland Security and cut my shopping day short with a trip to the clink!

Pulling out of the "full service" ATM, the smooth holiday crooning of that timeless sensation, WHAM! seemed to bring my BP back down to normal and I pointed my precious 'LadyBug' in the direction of my next destination--the NEW Barnes & Noble!

As I was driving--safely and within all legal & posted limits--I found myself behind a s..l..o..w..moving pick-up truck with a beautiful Great Pirinese in the back end.  Being the considerate and thoughtful person I am, and only thinking of the pooch's safety, I moved into the left passing lane--with the finesse of a professional and the safety that only a driver's ed handbook could appropriately illustrate--and passed the leisurely moving truck.  To my total shock and dismay, the driver flipped me off!!!  FLIES HER BIRD AT ME!!!  My first instinct:  Follow her to her destination, use my sound-barrier-breaking scream to express the wrong she's inflicted and piously preach my selfless concern for her exposed pooch!  After only a moment's consideration, however, said pooch brought me cause to consider the ramifications of approaching his owner in anger while he's not properly leashed & secured.....

Opting for my own safety, I continued on to my intended destination......did I mention the B&N is NEW??  AND 2-Stories!!!

AAAAHHHH!  Arrival!  I smelled the newness, the paper, and the fragrant aroma of the life-giving elixir known as coffee.  I found the book of my heart's desire, bought my favorite luscious mocha, and planted myself in a wonderfully cushy spot to enjoy my purchases......

That is when the proverbial straw caused this camel to come completely unhinged!

What was "the straw," you ask?  An ignored and ringing cell phone!!!  Sounds harmless, right?  Not so harmless to the lady whose phone was ringing......

Apparently, in a moment of what most professionals labeled a "psychotic break (whatever!)," I shouted a multitude of chastisements rivaling a New York-Mafia-Sailor.  I don't recall most of them (my paperwork says it's "post traumatic stress-amnesia resulting in temporary insanity--again...whatever!).  But, as I regained consciousness, I heard myself shouting, ".....AND JESUS DOES NOT ALLOW CELL-RECEPTION IN HEAVEN!  SO, GUESS WHERE YOU'RE GOING?????"

Needless to say, the "new" B&N won't be so new when I'm allowed--legally--to darken it's doorway....

Diva--do I need meds??  Maybe therapy??  Is this really my problem, or is it just the general public totally losing all social courtesy?  How can I get a grip so that I don't have to be relegated to.....dare I say shopping only?  Shopping is one of my personal life missions!  It's one of my super-powers! I'm an OLYMPIC-skilled shopper!!!!


"Displaced New-Yorker??  or just a bratty Drama Queen??"


  1. oh drama diva what is she to do??? what a day that was!!!!

  2. Society is going to hell-in-a-handbag! Diva, What ever shall she do? Lavish her with your wisdom and educate us all!!!