Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dear Diva...

Dear Diva,
Forgive me, Diva, for I have sinned.  It has been, well, forever, since my last confession.

What sin have you committed my child? you ask.....Oh, Diva.  Where do I even start?

Have you stolen or been immoral? you ask.....well, no.  Although, I do seem to have appointed myself 'Master Welder Pimp' lately (and to my friend who is a phenomenal welder, I truly apologize.  But if you are ever in need of an "agent," shall we say, I'm your girl!).  But, I digress.

Diva, I have done the unthinkable!  The unforgivable!  I.......I...........I HAVE FLAGRANTLY MISUSED MY CLEVER WIT AND SARCASM.......AND MY INTERNET!!  I hit "Send" and sent an obnoxious email to someone............AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Diva, how....HOW can I reach into my computer and rob the information super-highway of an ill-worded, poor judgment email???  I need it BACK!!!!

iScrewed Up!!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Reciprocity....It's a big word that means, "Back Atcha!"

Dear U.S. Department of Commerce Economics and Statistics Administration U.S. Census Bureau,

Have mercy!  I'm out of breath just typing your name....that must be where at least a billion or so of our tax dollars go--you know, to creating ridiculous and asinine names!
Let's get down to business, shall we?  I hereby cordially inform you that, within a week, you will be receiving my 2010 Census form.  

Upon receiving this form, I request that you duly note and legally apply any and all pertinent information regarding my whereabouts, property ownership, shoe size and name of my 4th grade best friend....who, incidentally, was Monica.  It is of the utmost importance that you properly and appropriately comply with this request as it is my deepest desire to be tracked, via satellite if necessary, by "The Man."  

Failure to comply with the aforementioned request will result in your zit-faced junior high yearbook photo to be emblazoned across a prominent billboard in the area closest to where your junior high nemesis currently resides.  Furthermore, should you wear white shoes after Labor Day, sport a "modern and totally updated" jumpsuit, or inappropriately use the phrase "gag me with a spoon," you will be fined $0.36 per day, as that is enough money to feed one malnourished child in a 3rd world country per day.

I look forward to you receiving my completed Census form.  If you have any questions or concerns, you may have "a quarter and call someone who cares."  

Thank You,

P.S.  You're gonna wonder where whole, small, rural communities vanished to if you're just counting on sending mail to street addresses.....ever heard of P.O. boxes???  

Friday, March 26, 2010

A Frozen Moment in Time

There are moments that freeze time. This picture is not great, but I was being all sneaky and trying to capture a moment in time, so I had to be quick, and I couldn't take the time to let people pose and put on weird smiles.... or, even turn around. It's just one of those times.

We really enjoyed our Spring Break trip to Austin. We were starving one afternoon, and found an old Applebee's restaurant, so we pulled in. There were other people sitting around watching basketball. The hostess sat us in a corner, right by the jukebox.

The jukebox was hanging on the wall, and we were immediately fascinated by it. The lights flashed along with the music and it was all push button friendly. Tons of CDs were inside with hundreds of songs to chose from.

My boys each had an opportunity to make a selection.

Mav and Jag made quick selections, both based on songs they recognized from Guitar Hero. We sat around and laughed about it, they all talked about whether or not they could play along on advanced or beginner levels. It's was funny. It was all 80's music.

Fox sat pretty quiet this whole time, not really having much input other than, he really wanted to hear some Carrie Underwood, because she's so pretty. He went on and on about it. I finally told him that I was pretty sure that jukebox had some Carrie Underwood on it, why didn't he go select something.

He takes his dollar and leaves the table, he's gone for a little while, checking out all the selections. He finally comes back to the table, and Aerosmith starts playing. I just looked at him, a bit puzzled and asked, 'I thought you were going to pick some Carrie Underwood.... what happened?'

His reply was unexpected, to say the least.

'The jukebox didn't have Cowboy Casanova, so I decided, never mind.'

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Declaration & Proclamation!

I hereby proclaim that, from this day forward, the "Place Where a Kid Can Be a Kid" known as Chuck E. Cheese, shall be officially declared "The Unshaven Armpit of Satan."

All you parents who've ever had the tragic misfortune of patronizing this establishment know exactly what I mean.  There are always children running and playing with such precious excitement, and we can't help but smile as they trot by our tables on their way to the next most fantastic adventure game ever!

But then.....there are "those children" who take the precious excitement to a level of pure misery that can only be given the horrific descriptive justice deserved by Stephen King.  You know the ones.  They're the kids standing on the air-hockey table, screaming and dancing WHILE other children are trying to play air-hockey!!  Where are their parents, you ask?  Why, they're "kickin' it" in the booth with their friends and completely ignoring their kids OR pointing at their children on the air-hockey table and laughing!!!

My guess.....these parents did NOT read "What to Expect When You've Given Birth and Suddenly Your Children are Actually Able to Walk/Talk/Climb/Make Bad Choices!!"  Where is Dr. Phil when these families enter "The Unshaven Armpit!?!?"  


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Joy!!

Who knew that Northeastern U.S. winters would befall us unsuspecting, and summer-loving, West Texas folk?!  Well, maybe the meteorologists knew....and maybe those who faithfully read The Farmer's Almanac....and possibly anyone who pays any attention to the weather trends & forecasts....which obviously isn't me.  

I was completely blindsided by this "once a week EVERY BLOOMING week since November" winter/blizzard/freezing-my-honey-buns-off weather!    

However--and this is just how I roll, always looking for that silver lining--today was absolutely B-E-A-UTIFUL!  Scroll down and be mesmerized by my latest photo essay capturing "My Joy!"

This is the view from inside MY CAR!!!  That's right, was a "put the top down" day!!

Check out this season's newest addition to my expansive Flip-Flop Collection.....and, get a load of that wonderfully artistic and freshly painted pedi!!

Also, get a load of the SHORT SLEEVES and CROPPED PANTS!!!  That, my friends is one step closer to my favorite outfit of SWIMSUIT!!  Coincidentally, I happened to purchase a new one today....

AND HERE IT IS!!!  It won't be the only one I wear this summer, but THIS is the suit that begins my slide into the Bahamas in Wolfforth!  And how 'bout this cutie-patootie new swim cover?  Look at it's precious knotted details on the shoulders....I DID THAT!

Finally, at 2:54 this afternoon, it was a lovely balmy 74 degrees outside!  It's like the Minnesota winter has but a bad dream and the pleasant peacefulness & bliss of Hawaii has overtaken this dusty West Texas town...simply pure joy.  

However, jolting me back to the reality that this Wednesday we'll be dipping back down into the 50's was this most unsuspecting find in my car--one snowboot via my sweet Big, wonder where the other boot is.....STUPID WINTER!  Why must you rupture EVERY week of our lovely weather like an oozing pustule on the face of our beautiful and sunny days!?

Oh, mon frer.....NOT to worry!!!  By Thursday, we'll be back on the temperature climb to that perfect West Texas Hawaiian weather!  See you in the sunshine!


Monday, March 22, 2010

I nearly died on the I35

I'm not even exaggerating (read, maybe I'm exaggerating a little.)

I see the T shirts all the time. You know the ones, 'Keep Austin Weird'. Okay, be weird if you want to, I'm all for a little weird. So, when we decided to take a spring break trip to Austin, I was sort of looking for the weird. The only weird thing about Austin is the traffic! My oh my! It's some crazy traffic.

One afternoon, we had just left the outlet shopping bliss of San Marcos and were on our way back to the show barns to feed the animals. The I35 was so busy! So, very, very busy. I begin the trip with a short conversation with the Bossman:

Me: WOW! Look at this traffic!
Bossman: Yep, looks pretty busy...... what's that over there?
Me: Um.... I don't know.... a van towing a motorcycle? Maybe you should watch the road in front of us.
Bossman: I don't see very many trailers.
Me: Me either. Let's just watch the road in front of us.

Do you see where I'm headed with this? It's the Bossman, he watches the happenings on the side of the road. Not the cars in front of him. This distresses me greatly. I'm currently riding on the I35, white knuckling the whole way, eyes glued to the road in front of us.

We continue on our journey. Sometimes going faster, sometimes going slower, not really changing lanes, just keeping to the left. We've got a pretty far distance to go, no need worrying about exits right now. Still, the Bossman is watching the happenings on the side of the road.

Bossman: Look! We could buy you a new leather purse and also get ice cream from the same vendor! What a deal!
Me: Yes, but let's watch the road in front of us.
Bossman: Been a lot of flat tires along here.
Me: Yes, but.... in. front. of. us. (I now begin gesturing wildly the direction he should be looking.)

This same sort of thing goes on for quite some time. Then, all of a sudden...


Our absurdly large truck takes a quick swerve onto the LEFT median, where all those flat tires are, and narrowly escape crushing an insanely tiny car in front of us.

Dramatic pause right now, please imagine my demise in a traffic accident on the I35.

Then, silence.......

I look over at my beloved Bossman. He's grinning from ear to ear, laughing almost, 'Now, THAT'S how you avoid an accident!'

Now, I decide to use my loud, mad, you nearly ran that car over voice, 'OR, you could stop tailgating tiny little cars in front of us and actually WATCH the traffic!! Either way...'

The Bossman is calm all the time, almost to a fault. The man NEVER raises his voice to me. He just looked at me, all puzzled and said,

'Babe, I was looking the other way.'

I had no reply. I just looked at him.

That's how the entire rest of our trip went. He drove in busy traffic, looking the other way, and I rode, eyes shut, hanging onto the door handle. I'm pretty sure my hand imprint is still there. The boys in the back watched movies. It was pretty quiet. We got lost everywhere we went.

Just as an after thought..... I'd like to thank all the makers of GPS systems that attach to the inside top of the car's windshield. One more distraction really isn't such a big deal.

Second after thought, I'd like those GPS systems to activate long enough to answer the question, 'You mean exit right HERE?' I'd like the GPS to say, 'YES! Right HERE!'

Also, men please answer me this. Is the only purpose of the GPS system for entertainment? Do we really have to TEST it everywhere we go? And, is it really all that funny when the GPS loses the truck? REALLY?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Shame on you!!

Shame on you, Internet provider! You knew I had no DSL service. Five long days passed, and when I finally increased my phone call frequency to every 2 hours, amazingly, my DSL service was fixed.

Shame on you! Shame on you for making me use my MEAN consumer voice! Shame on you for disregarding my problem until I went into crazy person mode. Shame on you for poor service.

We're putting this into PrissE's book!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Cleaning, errands and laundry!  That's all I ever do!  Just call me "Cinderdiva!"  


What's this?  An invitation to a ball being thrown by "There/They're/Their Highness!"  And EVERY ONE in the village is invited!  That means me!!

The King & Queen, There/They're/Their Highnesses,
Request your presence at
The Royal Mess Ball
Honouring one of there/they're/their many offspring
As he embarks on his journey to flee the family lands

R.S.V.P. via snail mail to one of 4 hostesses
P.S. Please bring your own snacks/beverages to eat & share with the entire southern half of the county......and, no, you will not be listed as a host/hostess of the Royal Mess Ball...that's only for the Chosen Ones.

Dear There/They're/Their Highnesses,
I regret to inform you that I will be unable to attend the Royal Mess Ball as I am not allowed to own my "own snacks/beverages," nor do I have any to "eat & share with the entire southern half of the county."  

While I am grateful for the invitation, and am so dearly fond of this one of your many offspring, I find your boldness and lack of social etiquette to be beneath this lowly cinder-girl.  In fact, I find it to be beneath the Mean Step-monster & Step-Brats with whom I share a lavish yet rundown manor.

I do wish you and yours a wonderful farewell celebration.  I would also like to introduce you, at your earliest convenience, to my wonderful friend, Peggy Post of the Emily Post Etiquette/Institute.  I think the two of you would have some marvelously spirited conversations as she, too, enjoys a great party.  Perhaps we could make it a foursome and invite Ms. Martha Stewart as well.  The anticipation of such a proper-etiquette-charged get-together makes me giddy!

Have a wonderful party and please give my best to the guest-of-honour.  


Monday, March 8, 2010

I Say Potato.....(you say OCD)

I'm certain that, from about the age of two, my mother knew that I was "different" from most children.  Her first clue might possibly have been the catastrophic meltdown that ensued immediately upon her tying the laces on my first pair of lace-up tennis-shoes.  Why the complete and total launch into orbit, you ask?  Not one bow on either shoe was the same diameter as the other, nor did any of them lay the same on either side of the shoe!!!!!  Why else?  See.  It's perfectly reasonable and logical..........

It stands to reason, then, that I am a sold-out fan of symmetry...quite possibly to the extreme.  Balance Rocks My Socks! (which, by the way, need to be pulled up and/or folded down at just the same heights on each ankle with the toe-seam at exactly the same centered place just at the base of my toes on each foot...a non-issue really.....).

What's the mantra of all addicts?  "The first step to recovery is admitting the problem..."  While I don't necessarily see my OCD as a "problem" (perhaps I'm not ready for Step 1 yet), I do admit that it's a "noticeable" character trait I possess.  Here are just a few behaviors that give me that "Feng Shi" (pronounced Fung Shway to simple-folk like me) feeling of harmony:

  • My eye-shadow must match the outfit....even if I'm going to work-out, I make sure that my work-out clothes coordinate with my eye-shadow!  After all, one's appearance does create the "first impression," and the eyes are "the windows to the soul!"
  • Shoe laces are required to lay the same on both sides of the shoe as well as be the same diameter! I find it helpful to say inappropriate phrases and yell a bit....
  • Everything in even numbers please...except bracelets--see BQ #5
  • Repeat after me:  "Symmetry is my friend."  Make it so!
  • Everything has a place...please put it there!
  • Clutter stacks (yes, these are okay, but only if....) must be neatly stacked...nothing askew...unless it's strategically done for aesthetic and fashion purposes and it's this season's "in" thing.
  • My hair must look the same in the evening as it did when I fixed it in the not touch my hair!  
  • When going anywhere overnight, please pack a week ahead of time!  This ensures that the clothes I want to take on my trip will be clean, ready, and no last minute laundry needs to be done.  This, too, may need to be intertwined with the "inappropriate phrases and yelling a bit."
  • Upon returning from a trip, immediately unpack!  Do not sit down, do not make a phone call, do not pass "go," oh.  I'm a bit carried away.....
  • Praise the Lord for the Internet, movie-viewers, and archived episodes of my favorite TV shows....but, once a series is begun, I do not rest until I finish it or at least get caught up to the "all new" episodes on TV.  Maybe this is why I'm so sleepy.......NAH!
Since "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" (PTL!), there are consequences to not having my OCD satisfied.  Sometimes, achieving OCD-blissfulness must be accompanied by rage-induced screaming fits....action--reaction....or the ability to function only occurs after symmetry, coordination, and/or organization is achieved...again, action--reaction.  It's simple science.

Being "put-together" does take effort.  Being organized can be a challenge.  At least I'm not a total germaphobe too!  Look at me...accentuating the positive!

Maybe, together, Howie Mandell and I could make a "complete" (or totally symmetrical psycho), OCD person!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Shamless Plug

I have a real job. It's a pretty fantastic job that I really love. I'm a Stampin' UP! demonstrator. I have a website that's featured over there on the right. You can just click HERE and hopefully, you'll get there.

Stampin' UP! has recently added a new feature to our websites. It's a blog. I'm not sure how I'll use this feature, but I just posted a project over there. You can see the post if you click on the 'About me, My blog' tab.

I think I might put more projects over there, and you should look at them and give me comments like:

'cute page'


'awesome layout'


'wow! I love it!'

Let me know how you like the new Stampin' UP! blog. You can even give me project ideas if you want to.

Have a wonderful day!