Dear U.S. Department of Commerce Economics and Statistics Administration U.S. Census Bureau,
Have mercy! I'm out of breath just typing your name....that must be where at least a billion or so of our tax dollars go--you know, to creating ridiculous and asinine names!
Let's get down to business, shall we? I hereby cordially inform you that, within a week, you will be receiving my 2010 Census form.
Upon receiving this form, I request that you duly note and legally apply any and all pertinent information regarding my whereabouts, property ownership, shoe size and name of my 4th grade best friend....who, incidentally, was Monica. It is of the utmost importance that you properly and appropriately comply with this request as it is my deepest desire to be tracked, via satellite if necessary, by "The Man."
Failure to comply with the aforementioned request will result in your zit-faced junior high yearbook photo to be emblazoned across a prominent billboard in the area closest to where your junior high nemesis currently resides. Furthermore, should you wear white shoes after Labor Day, sport a "modern and totally updated" jumpsuit, or inappropriately use the phrase "gag me with a spoon," you will be fined $0.36 per day, as that is enough money to feed one malnourished child in a 3rd world country per day.
I look forward to you receiving my completed Census form. If you have any questions or concerns, you may have "a quarter and call someone who cares."
P.S. You're gonna wonder where whole, small, rural communities vanished to if you're just counting on sending mail to street addresses.....ever heard of P.O. boxes???