Drama Diva: "I Just Met Man Hands"

I got spirit
yes I do...
I got spirit
how 'bout you?

I am so cute dressed in school spirit clothes! Time to support our small town team! I wonder who will be at the game tonight?

I've got my soft butt pad, my hydration bottle and plenty of peanut M&M's. This is gonna be one fun evening!! I wonder who will be at the game tonight?

I love old episodes of Seinfeld. I loved them when they were new, but I love them even more now, just 'cause funny stuff never gets old, right? One of my favorite episodes is, 'Man Hands.'

I'm feeling privileged. I'm feeling honored. I'm feeling.... well, cute, 'cause I am, that's why. But, guess what? I just met the Man Hands, herself! In the flesh! With the giant hands! She's real.

And, she's loud.

Not just because of the giant hand clapping either. She's loud in a 'I holler louder than any three people combined' sort of way. That would be alright, because in some circles, I'm known as a loud yeller as well. I know, that's hard for you to believe, but I've got to support the team! I'm nothing, if not supportive!

I'm a new under wire bra, and I've got to show off my top!!

Unfortunately, Man Hands yells really loud, really dumb, really inappropriate things. So, I'm just gonna help her out now. Because, I'm all about community service. I'm totally plugged into this town, and I can't stand for this sort of embarrassment to continue!

Hey! Man Hands, listen up! Don't tell the other team's fans the names of the referees. 'Cause, you know, they might yell mean stuff at them, and call them, by their given names, and I know those referees moms, and it's gonna hurt some feelings.

No mom. Not a single mom, ever. ever. ever. Wants to hear someone say to their baby, 'Come on Sam! We'll wait while you get your glasses! Do you want me to call your mommy to bring 'em over?' If I'm Sam's mom, some glasses might get put in an inappropriate place, and who wants Man Hands to have to retrieve something like that? In a place, remote.... like that?

But, I'm not Sam's mom.

I'm just looking out for every one's safety.

I care about the community.

** The actual name of the real referee has been changed to protect both of their sweet, sweet Mothers. Man Hands is her real name. I don't protect villains.

Cinderdiva!

Cleaning, errands and laundry!  That's all I ever do!  Just call me "Cinderdiva!"  


KNOCK!  KNOCK!

What's this?  An invitation to a ball being thrown by "There/They're/Their Highness!"  And EVERY ONE in the village is invited!  That means me!!

The King & Queen, There/They're/Their Highnesses,

Request your presence at

The Royal Mess Ball

Honouring one of there/they're/their many offspring

As he embarks on his journey to flee the family lands

R.S.V.P. via snail mail to one of 4 hostesses

P.S. Please bring your own snacks/beverages to eat & share with the entire southern half of the county......and, no, you will not be listed as a host/hostess of the Royal Mess Ball...that's only for the Chosen Ones.

Enjoy!

Dear There/They're/Their Highnesses,

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to attend the Royal Mess Ball as I am not allowed to own my "own snacks/beverages," nor do I have any to "eat & share with the entire southern half of the county."  

While I am grateful for the invitation, and am so dearly fond of this one of your many offspring, I find your boldness and lack of social etiquette to be beneath this lowly cinder-girl.  In fact, I find it to be beneath the Mean Step-monster & Step-Brats with whom I share a lavish yet rundown manor.

I do wish you and yours a wonderful farewell celebration.  I would also like to introduce you, at your earliest convenience, to my wonderful friend, Peggy Post of the Emily Post Etiquette/Institute.  I think the two of you would have some marvelously spirited conversations as she, too, enjoys a great party.  Perhaps we could make it a foursome and invite Ms. Martha Stewart as well.  The anticipation of such a proper-etiquette-charged get-together makes me giddy!

Have a wonderful party and please give my best to the guest-of-honour.  

Sincerely,

Cinderdiva

P.S.  BUY YOUR OWN STINKING PARTY FOOD!!!!        

Drama Diva: "Try It Again!"

Winter time in the city. Ah, the joys of 3 degrees, chenille and soft, fuzzy boots. A Drama Diva could certainly get used to this!

Time for a warm email check! Hmmm.... how many Divas need my help today?

After a few minutes of reading and replying, I feel the need to issue a Drama Diva Mandate:

Asking a Drama Diva (specifically ME) the SAME question 5 times wording it differently in each email to lengthen the time I'm irritated, will not result in a different answer.

SLAM! (That was my foot soundly hitting the floor.) Keep trying it idiot blog-o-sphere, it won't work.

Dear Displaced......

Dear Displaced Diva,

This is America! The good ole, U S of A! As an Olympic shopper, you are entitled an outburst here and there. It's in the training manual. (At least the copy I have, paragraph 15, subsection b. upon the 3rd offense in a row, rude people must be yelled at.)

First, you must appropriately label the LadyBug as an Olympic shopping vehicle. Any standard, handicapped parking sign will work, as you can combine that with WHAM! (or any other totally kick ass 80's music) and a CB radio to complete the Olympic shopping vehicle regulations. This way, motorists will give you the appropriate passageway with out any bird flipping.

Drama Diva snaps for keeping the giant dog safe. Giant dogs are an important element to any Diva's royal party. Their safety must remain within the top 10 important things to remember while driving. (Other 9 important things to remember while driving will be announced as necessary.)

Second, you must remember that any ATM machine currently serving other motorists should only be used by a 'Diva in Distress'. As defined by the Diva manual,

"Only a Diva in Distress shall be allowed to stand in a line for service. Otherwise, Divas should only frequent places that use lines during 'off' hours, in an attempt to minimize the amount of time a Diva is inconvenienced."

Now, this is the tricky part, because how is a Diva always going to be able to avoid lines? Really, I don't know. All I know for sure, is that if I arrive in a loud enough manner, the seas part, and there is no line. So, next time you drive up to a ATM otherwise engaged, turn up the volume or use the recently installed CB to hurry up the masses. A friendly, 'Hurry up please, I'm waiting here to withdraw the down payment for the birth of my first child..... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... I'm ready to PUSH!' should cause people to pull up. At least, it worked last week for me.

I always say, 'you catch more flies with honey than with swatters,' however; I found that to be less true when I tried a fly strip.... but, I digress.

Lastly, I must address the ring tone. Please. At this point, I feel like the entire Diva universe should applaud you! Tacky ring tones are the giant hairy mole on the face of an otherwise pleasant general public. If you must shop with the masses, the very least you can do is point out when a person has a tacky ring tone. Really? I don't think this was what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind.

Dearest Displaced Diva, I certainly hope I've been able to help you with this matter. Never doubt your shopping super powers! We can ALWAYS find someone to BLAME, after all..... bratty isn't even in the Drama Diva Dictionary! How could that possibly be true?

I'd also like to take this opportunity to THANK YOU for serving our country as an Olympic Shopper. There are so few of us. Your embroidered jacket should be arriving soon.

Drama Diva: "Let's Cheat!"

Oh what a beautiful fall day! Oh what a lovely pumpkin! I've got a beautiful feeling! Every thing's going my.......

** RING **

Oh NO! I hate being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a beautiful stanza!

** RING **

Hello? Oh, Hello Kitty Carry-All, what's up? UM, No, you cannot borrow my software and load it to your computer. Sorry, that's illegal. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. You must have really missed seeing that football game. Oh yes, I can't believe how busy you are..... yes, it must be so horrible not having enough time! You know, all that information was clearly printed in the introductory brochure.... YES, it says all over the place what the correct procedure is, I'm sorry you missed it. Next time, maybe read it first. Well, you still have time! I have a wonderful idea for you.... why don't you try to pay extra to have it expedited to you! OK, I'm so glad I could help! Bye!

Now, where's my pitch pipe? I need to get back to my song.....

Move over, Mall Cop! DRAMA DIVA's On The Case!

Scene:  Local mall parking lot (can you see where this is going?)

Scenario:  Scouting the lot for the most rocking parking space...but, behind a can't-quite-see-over-the steering-wheel-old "blue hair" in a Caddy!  (P.S. I've got nothing against blue-hairs...one of my great-grandmothers was 4'9", sat on a phone book to look through her steering wheel, and drove herself to the nursing home where she passed a month later from cancer...at the age of 93!  and she was one of the kindest people i knew.)

Okay, kids.  Help watch for that rockin' parking space!  Ooh, there's one, and that old lady in the Cadilac just overshot it!  SWEET!


Wait!  What in the #$%% are you doing, Ma'dam Blue-Hair!  Put your car back in DRIVE!  


Mom, is she gonna hit us??  She's backing up!

Hey!  Blue-Hair!  Just because you drive a big-ole-honking Caddy, and can barely poke your blue-hair-covered head above the wheel, does NOT mean that I have to back-up my petite & precious little red ladybug because you overshot a potential parking space and are wagging your crooked-arthritic-badly-manicured thumb at me to back up!!!!


OH!  Oh!  Yeah!  Go ahead and put your car in reverse!  Yes, ma'am, I DO see your reverse lights!  No, ma'am!  I WON'T back up even though you keep "air-jamming" me with your thumb.  Madame Blue (Hair), my car may have cost a fraction of what yours cost, and it may be a tiny, fiberglass death-trap, but there is a BIG-OLE "Sees the world in black & white-no gray areas-right & wrong-merciless attitude" behind the wheel of this little, cheap death-trap and it's pressing the BRAKE!  But, not for long...now it's in DRIVE, baby!


What's that?  You'll just stay right where you are?  You'll just make that poor person trying to back out do the Austin Powers-stuck in between two concrete walls-back up, pull forward dance?  Well, aren't you the Chief of the Safety Police!


Ah!  There's a space for us just on the next row...kids, let this be an example to you.


Of what, mom?

Close the door, Sweet-Pea, so I can lock the car.  HEY!  MADAME BLUE!  I would like to thank you for providing me the situation and opportunity to educate my two children on public rudeness AND airs of entitlement!


Let's go see if Big-Overpriced-Department-Store has a nice dress for mommy.  Shall we kiddos?

Drama Diva: "Don't Sit by Me at the Football Game!!"

(Always remember, Drama Dive isn't real, she's a fictitious story, mostly in my head.... therefore; how could this story possibly be about YOU.)

Whew! One week of daily exfoliating done just in time for this windy football game. Naturally, my outfit is superb.

Team colors, check.
Rhinestone necklace and matching flip flops, check.
Two weights of jackets, check. I'm ready!!

Sure, flip flops might be a bit cool for the game, but this pedicure can't be hidden. That would be a crime.

Here I sit, just bringing exceeding measures of joy to every passerby. But, what's this? No takers to share my witty football comments? RATS!! My recent incarceration must be on the rumor mill.

This town has a rumor mill that could employ 100 people year round for their entire lives. Those employees must work a ton of overtime to keep it churning this long. Too bad the recession doesn't shut stupid people's mouths.

Great..... Lady Talks-a-lot and her husband, Spitty Laugher just sat down behind me. Geez.... I hope they brought all their sneezy children. OK, remain calm.... there's still plenty of room in front of me and beside me, maybe the evening won't be a total loss.

Wait, Spitty Laugher has the whole extended Spitty family with him. I wonder if the umbrella is in the car?

Look away, act busy, cell phone please ring.... please ring... please don't let Her Majesty, Queen of Lies see me..... wait, too late, she sees me. Here she comes. CRAP!! Here comes an empty conversation.

Fake smile, check. Hold on, here we go.

Her Majesty proclaims, "Hello!!! My gosh, how are you? Let me tell you an obnoxious lie about my oldest child. Yes, he's a mean bastard, but he's the smartest person in the universe and he allows peasants to serve him. The patience of this saint is beyond me...." and, then I blacked out from boredom for approximately 10 minutes, until Her Majesty walked away. (Alright, it's possible I'm paraphrasing.)

Whew! Game finally begins.







Great Game!! Super fun! Luckily for me, only my cute model husband and my own delightful children are close by. NOW, I can be appreciated for my full value. Sure!! Let's share some popcorn!

My family is the best! We are so pleasant others admire us from afar. We are being gazed at by others. Let the rumor mill churn on that for awhile. Hear that people? Gaze at me from afar, go ahead.... admire my life!

Better yet, DON'T.

Drama Diva: "Let me solve your problem...."

Silly, fictitious story about a woman living mostly in her own head.

OH NO!..... How did I get here? Solitary confinement isn't good for my pours! I'll have to exfoliate for a week to recover from this! Pitiful PollE warned me, she said more than once.... don't pick a side, don't state your case... remain neutral, keep everyone happy. I can never listen!

Really? These things happen a lot.... I can't help it.... I'm right so often, it's a sin to keep my opinion to myself. I'm only helping the world by sharing. DON'T INSULT ME by asking me to remain silent! Then, you'll want to complain to me later. Seriously. If I have to listen to you complain about a problem I've solved for you, one more time, I might not feel so comfortable in the middle of your business! What if I choose to stomp around until you're purple from head to toe!! OR, I could just work anonymously, behind your back making decisions for you.

Certainly, purple isn't a good skin tone, and will clash horribly with your current accessories. Who wears one earring and one bracelet? That's just wrong on so many levels. If you choose to accessorize randomly and irresponsibly, I may have to leave early.

You want to kick me out? FINE!! I'll take this solitary confinement anytime. Let's see if your long arm can reach in here.

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Now, imagine me huffing off.... you know, as if I would stomp with these shoes on.