Dear Diva...

Dear Diva,
Forgive me, Diva, for I have sinned.  It has been, well, forever, since my last confession.

What sin have you committed my child? you ask.....Oh, Diva.  Where do I even start?

Have you stolen or been immoral? you ask.....well, no.  Although, I do seem to have appointed myself 'Master Welder Pimp' lately (and to my friend who is a phenomenal welder, I truly apologize.  But if you are ever in need of an "agent," shall we say, I'm your girl!).  But, I digress.

Diva, I have done the unthinkable!  The unforgivable!  I.......I...........I HAVE FLAGRANTLY MISUSED MY CLEVER WIT AND SARCASM.......AND MY INTERNET!!  I hit "Send" and sent an obnoxious email to someone............AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Diva, how....HOW can I reach into my computer and rob the information super-highway of an ill-worded, poor judgment email???  I need it BACK!!!!

Signed,
iScrewed Up!!!

Dear Madame "Pilfer"y...whose name shall be changed!

UH. MA. LAWD!!!!  People, PUHLEASE!!  Can we ALL get on the same ‘social grace’ page?  I was SO taken aback by this inquiry that I had to go to “my gurls” (and * snaps * to Sassy & PrissE for successfully peeling me off of the ceiling—albeit with a little coaxing from my friend, Pinky Tuscandero…) for some “are you kidding me?  Can you puhlease tell me how this can even be true” support!

First, we must revise your signature…..if you have NOT ‘pilfered’ anything (which, YOU HAVE NOT), then you must not carry said title in your name.  Therefore, you shall, henceforth, be known as “Madame Mercy,” because it took a #&!! Of a lot of mercy not give that man a 3D snack on little thing my precious cousin—homage to ‘The Bolt’—used to call a “slobber knocker”… a.k.a. YOUR FIST!

To quote “my gurls:”

PrissE:  “When he ‘tattled’ on you, you should’ve approached him and asked to see his 3D-Badge!  After all, he must’ve been a member of ‘the force,’ right?  I surely hope that the prison in which they put you isn’t just 2D!  What good would those glasses do you there?!?  And, your hair would just be ‘flat’ all of the time!  No fun.”

Sassy:  “And, the next time you go to that theater to see a 3D movie and the ticket-girl hands you a brand-new pair of glasses, you should slide them right back at her and tell her ‘I’m sorry.  These aren’t my size.’  Then, ever so elegantly slip yours out of your handbag and slide those puppies onto your face like you were Jackie O!” 

Now, Madame Mercy, if you haven’t figured it out just yet, YOU TOTALLY OWN THOSE GLASSES!  When we pay $8 and sign a lien on our home for ticket prices to see a movie in the theater these days, whatever little visual aid we receive is rightfully ours.  Possession is 9/10 of the law, and I’ve got a foot with anyone’s name written squarely on the toe who says it ain’t.  I’m just sayin…

Love & Grace to you, Madame Mercy!

From:  The “3D’s”  (props to “my gurls!”  I would’ve committed a felony without you on this one!)

Dear Diva...

Dear Diva,

I have been eating right and drastically reducing my caffeine for a week so my brain is not working as it should-still recalibrating...I have a question...Can you keep the glasses after a 3D movie if you want to?  I mean isn't that why the tickets are a bit higher?!?  I know there are the recycling boxes at the exits-but is it against the law to keep them?

So, my husband has been working every darn weekend since Christmas and the boys and I were about to "roll" each other so we go to the delightful movie theater in Nearbyville to see Avatar in 3D. It's only showing at 7:00 because we live in the middle of nowhere!!!  I swear to the patron saint of movies that the old man who walked out in front of us told the manager that he didn't think the two boys coming out turned their glasses in!  I got dizzy and confused and thankfully the Holy Spirit took over my suffering body and led me to the Jesus Van without getting arrested!

Did I allow my children to steal 3D glasses or did I pay for them with an increased ticket price?  Geez-we're not gonna throw them away and kill the Earth-we're gonna see if any part of life is 3D or maybe put them in a scrapbook to remember the night!


Sincerely,
Madame "Pilfer"y....

Dear Rockin' Rack

Dear Rockin' Rack,

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!  Form of, "DON'T BE JEALOUS because mine are REAL!"  I completely hear you, gurl and can ToTaLlY empathize!!  Loving the skin you're in is NOT optional in a diva's life!

First and foremost:  Diva gives props to anyone and every one who support the causes that help to "stamp out disease!"  So, to the clerk who "checked you out" at the register--and was sporting jewelry to support his fave cause--I say PROPS!


Now, to the aforementioned clerk who should've "checked you out," but very obviously had a seizure that prevented him from performing his obligations of support:

"Dude!  If you so choose to support a cause by purchasing and showcasing it's merchandise,

yet you feel the desperate need to guiltily justify your choice upon receiving 'attention' for said merchandise, be prepared for me to whip out my Drama Diva Pink Hanky (these are exclusive 'thank you's to those who have 'fanned, followed, and submitted letters to' TftC specifically seeking Diva's advice) --adorned with a beautifully hand-beaded inscription:  "I wipe 'DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS' looks off of dumb boys' faces!"--and wipe that "OMG!  How do I justify my testosterone-fueled-stupidity!" look off of your face!

Miss Rockin', we Divas have a social & fashionably forward responsibility to the general public to hold each and every fashion-career-salesperson accountable for his/her own accessory choices (as duly noted in the official 'Diva Handbook in *Section: Ethical Responsibilities; +Subsection: Fashion Responsibilities')!  We would be completely remiss if we ignored poor accessory choices/justifications and allowed those "in the profession" to unsafely accessorize or promote unsafe accessorization" to their customer base!  We MUST not fear our accessories and the statements they make!  It's just bad business!

In conclusion, Miss Rockin', because of your bold inquiry of a perfectly reasonable fashion accessory and a total understanding of the perpetrator's misuse & misrepresentation of his cause-support, I give you Drama Diva's Approval to apply for your "Fashion Standards" certificate, subsequently allowing you to move on to working toward your certification in "Social Graces."  CONGRATS, Diva-in-training!!  You are on your way to being "the complete package!"

*Smootch!*      

Dear Diva....

Dear Drama Diva,

I consider myself to be a 'Drama Diva in training'. This might be an easy question, but I feel compelled to ask it.

Should I be offended that the young MAN that checked me out at the register today at the Old Navy, was wearing a leather bracelet with the inscription, 'I LOVE BOOBIES?'

Further than that, I have a pretty nice set of boobies, and he didn't compliment mine. What's up with that?

Can you help a new Diva?

Signed,
Really nice Rack, or so I thought.....

"Dear Diva...."

Dear Diva,

I recently spent an afternoon out on the town ready to shop till I dropped!  First stop--the ATM.  This should be an "express" stop, right?  I was there waiting for the 3 cars in front of me for over 20 MINUTES!  FINALLY!  My turn.....the issue:  after about 1 minute per car, I was ready to lay on the horn and scream, "This is to QUICKLY access your account!  NOT 'fill out loan documents and sign away your first born!'  If you don't have $$$$ MOVE ON!"  I did, however, resist so as to avoid Homeland Security and cut my shopping day short with a trip to the clink!

Pulling out of the "full service" ATM, the smooth holiday crooning of that timeless sensation, WHAM! seemed to bring my BP back down to normal and I pointed my precious 'LadyBug' in the direction of my next destination--the NEW Barnes & Noble!

As I was driving--safely and within all legal & posted limits--I found myself behind a s..l..o..w..moving pick-up truck with a beautiful Great Pirinese in the back end.  Being the considerate and thoughtful person I am, and only thinking of the pooch's safety, I moved into the left passing lane--with the finesse of a professional and the safety that only a driver's ed handbook could appropriately illustrate--and passed the leisurely moving truck.  To my total shock and dismay, the driver flipped me off!!!  FLIES HER BIRD AT ME!!!  My first instinct:  Follow her to her destination, use my sound-barrier-breaking scream to express the wrong she's inflicted and piously preach my selfless concern for her exposed pooch!  After only a moment's consideration, however, said pooch brought me cause to consider the ramifications of approaching his owner in anger while he's not properly leashed & secured.....

Opting for my own safety, I continued on to my intended destination......did I mention the B&N is NEW??  AND 2-Stories!!!

AAAAHHHH!  Arrival!  I smelled the newness, the paper, and the fragrant aroma of the life-giving elixir known as coffee.  I found the book of my heart's desire, bought my favorite luscious mocha, and planted myself in a wonderfully cushy spot to enjoy my purchases......

That is when the proverbial straw caused this camel to come completely unhinged!

What was "the straw," you ask?  An ignored and ringing cell phone!!!  Sounds harmless, right?  Not so harmless to the lady whose phone was ringing......

Apparently, in a moment of what most professionals labeled a "psychotic break (whatever!)," I shouted a multitude of chastisements rivaling a New York-Mafia-Sailor.  I don't recall most of them (my paperwork says it's "post traumatic stress-amnesia resulting in temporary insanity--again...whatever!).  But, as I regained consciousness, I heard myself shouting, ".....AND JESUS DOES NOT ALLOW CELL-RECEPTION IN HEAVEN!  SO, GUESS WHERE YOU'RE GOING?????"

Needless to say, the "new" B&N won't be so new when I'm allowed--legally--to darken it's doorway....

Diva--do I need meds??  Maybe therapy??  Is this really my problem, or is it just the general public totally losing all social courtesy?  How can I get a grip so that I don't have to be relegated to.....dare I say it......online shopping only?  Shopping is one of my personal life missions!  It's one of my super-powers! I'm an OLYMPIC-skilled shopper!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Signed,
"Displaced New-Yorker??  or just a bratty Drama Queen??"

Dear Diva... YES!!! Drama Diva Has her OWN 'Advice Column!'

To all of our loyal "stalkers" (and the not-so-loyal, too...P.S.  if you're not loyal, get loyal!  and if you get loyal, bring more loyal stalkers with ya!  spread the word!):

We, here at Tales, are all about you, our reader.  AHAHAHAHAH!!!  Now, that's funny!  Y'all--you know it's all about us, right?  .....NO!  Wait!  Seriously, though, we are very appreciative of our readers and followers.  It truly is all about you!  So, we've decided to heed your call.

We've gotten so many emails, letters, and calls from people wanting to ask Drama Diva how she would solve some of their life's dilemmas that we've decided to ask her to be a "Guest Contributor" to the blog.  That's Right!!  Drama Diva will now have her own advice column exclusively here on Tales from the Compact!

Be here at 8:00 AM on Monday, December 21st, 2009 as Drama Diva debuts her new advice column, Dear Diva...

**Diva would like to thank her first 'desperate-for-Diva's-advice' seeker, "Drama Queen!"  And, GURL...does Diva have some advice for you!  STAY TUNED........