Monday, April 5, 2010

Robbery, educating you.

After watching our local police heroes work almost an entire day in our neighborhood to apprehend 4 small-time-high-school-aged burglars (which was totally like Desperate Housewives meets C.O.P.S.!), I've come to a few conclusions regarding the logistics of proper home-burglary.  Here are just a few "Do's" & "Don'ts" for effective neighborhood robbery--as I see them:

1.   When "casing the joint," remain conspicuous.  For example, if you're sitting in your highly-recognizable beat-up and old SUV at 3:00AM the morning prior to committing your felonious act, and the local policewoman on patrol stops and questions your 3:00AM actions, I suggest you wait a day or two before "doin' yo thang in the hood."

2.  Don't continue to roam the "hood" once you have been "made!" You will get caught, just like your friend in the back of the squad car right now.

3.  This is just an FYI--after all, safety IS key!  My 68 yr. old neighbor lady has her CHL (concealed handgun license) & a pistol that she keeps behind her TV....she will busta cap in yo bootay!

4.  While nonchalantly making your composed get-away because you believe you've evaded the 30 or so neighbors in their yards and the 20-pistol-wagging law enforcement officials in 8 vehicles and on foot in a 45-house circle, it is probably most wise not to try to outrun the angry homeowners you've just robbed of 2 TV's & gaming system.  After all, I feel certain that the Ford F150 bearing down on you at well above the posted speed limit could render you without the use of your legs.....and, most likely, with wet pants as well.  But, I don't know your level of fear-tolerance when facing a 60MPH-in-one-block oncoming truck with a pissed off man at the wheel.  You be the judge.     

5. Finally, and this is the most important--the granddaddy of all robbery rules, if you will--Don't rob the mayor--right across the street from us--in our small, suburban town. 911 responds 10X's faster to his house...DUH!

Keep in mind, these are simply the shoulds and shouldn'ts as I see them.  I'm not experienced in this sort of felony action, but I AM all about safety and education.

See you in the police blotter! 


  1. I have another suggestion for the would be robbers...

    6. It might behoove you to leave the sagging pants behind just for this one day. You might actually need to run and from what I've observed that is quite difficult while trying to hold up your pants at the same time. Just sayin'

  2. such a pretty day for a robbery! it's a shame the ding dongs didn't spend some time in your pretty swing!

  3. @BikerCandy...I think we have a future together in educating the modern criminal! We'll start with "Being the Fashion Forward Criminal."

    @Sassy....gurl! That's where I lit to watch the whole episode unfold! It was lovely...too bad they didn't stop!