The first step to being fingerprinted, was to log on to the secret company's website and fill out a questionnaire. I thought it would be a breeze, because..... after all, who knows me better than, well, me! I'm answering the obvious questions. No problem.
Then, for no obvious reason to me, I was asked..... What is your hair color? They gave me several choices, but I had no idea what to answer because right now, my hair is blonde-ish.... tomorrow afternoon, my hair will be copper (not red), but this time last year, my hair was a dark brunette. No one has clear recollection of what my 'original' hair color was, and I wasn't given the option to click, 'random', so I was stumped! I answered, 'brown', and just prayed the federal government would accept that.
I arrived this morning at the secret company's office and checked in. The office lady was finishing up with the appointment before me, so she asked me to take a seat and wait a few minutes.
While I was waiting, I could hear the conversation between the office lady and the customer being fingerprinted.
Ofc Lady: You're gonna have to come back. Your fingerprints are all smudgy and blurry.
Customer: Ok. What does that mean? Why are my prints smudgy and blurry?
Ofc Lady: Well, you've spent all these year pushing papers at the school, and your prints are worn off. You need to use plenty of moisturizer and drink a lot of water and come back in two weeks. They need at least 8 good prints from you, and I can tell you that none of these are good.
The customer exits the area, looks at me, and wishes me luck.
Keep in mind, that I've been watching Law & Order, so I've got a pretty good idea that I'm going to be arrested as soon as the office lady sees that I don't have brown hair.
Slightly freaked out, I enter the area when my name is called. She's prepared the computer and tells me to enter my social security number. She then shows me the keypad and turns her head. No joke. So she can't see me enter my number. When that's complete, she repeats the social security procedure, and all I can think is, 'this is nothing like Law & Order.'
I'm starting to crack myself up, and I start to giggle for no apparent reason. The lady then takes my finger prints. First all fingers together, each hand. Then, all fingers separate, each hand. Then, each finger separate, rolling them slowly. During this procedure, she tells me,
"You've got really good finger prints. They're nice and clear! Look at your clean lines. If you ever do anything or get lost, the authorities will find you easily."
Well, after that statement, there was no way I could keep it together! I begin to laugh hysterically! I can't believe my good luck! If I ever get lost, my fingerprints will easily identify me!
The next step to the fingerprinting procedure is to have your picture taken. I've appropriately dolled up with lip gloss and I'm ready for my snapshot, when the lady tells me, 'don't smile.'
Well, this is a GIANT problem, because I'm already laughing! I can't hold it together, and I ask why can't I smile?
'The government is only interested in your eyes. They need a good shot of your eyes.'
She gives me a minute to stop laughing. Then, snaps the photo.
I'm sure they won't give me the picture to post on this blog, but if you can imagine me, holding my mouth shut and straining to hold my GIANT eyes wide open.... that's my mug shot.
During this whole process, the office lady never once laughed. She never asked me why I was laughing and she refused to re-take my mug shot! She wished me a good afternoon, and I left. I was only mad when I got to my car and realized I forgot to ask the obvious question.
If they were gonna take my mug shot. Why did I have to answer that question about my hair color?
Blog stalkers.... I need a favor. If I'm ever lost, for any reason, please don't let the authorities put that mug shot on TV to search for me.