Thanks, Paula!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Thank You, Fan! You're #100!
PrissE & Sassy would like to thank our fan, Paula Perry for being the 100th fan on our Facebook Page! For being #100, Paula was surprised with a small token of TftC Fan-Page's appreciation: a $5.00 Starbucks gift card lovingly tucked inside a beautifully hand-stamped card.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Move over, Mall Cop! DRAMA DIVA's On The Case!
Scene: Local mall parking lot (can you see where this is going?)
Scenario: Scouting the lot for the most rocking parking space...but, behind a can't-quite-see-over-the steering-wheel-old "blue hair" in a Caddy! (P.S. I've got nothing against blue-hairs...one of my great-grandmothers was 4'9", sat on a phone book to look through her steering wheel, and drove herself to the nursing home where she passed a month later from cancer...at the age of 93! and she was one of the kindest people i knew.)
Okay, kids. Help watch for that rockin' parking space! Ooh, there's one, and that old lady in the Cadilac just overshot it! SWEET!
Wait! What in the #$%% are you doing, Ma'dam Blue-Hair! Put your car back in DRIVE!
Mom, is she gonna hit us?? She's backing up!
Hey! Blue-Hair! Just because you drive a big-ole-honking Caddy, and can barely poke your blue-hair-covered head above the wheel, does NOT mean that I have to back-up my petite & precious little red ladybug because you overshot a potential parking space and are wagging your crooked-arthritic-badly-manicured thumb at me to back up!!!!
OH! Oh! Yeah! Go ahead and put your car in reverse! Yes, ma'am, I DO see your reverse lights! No, ma'am! I WON'T back up even though you keep "air-jamming" me with your thumb. Madame Blue (Hair), my car may have cost a fraction of what yours cost, and it may be a tiny, fiberglass death-trap, but there is a BIG-OLE "Sees the world in black & white-no gray areas-right & wrong-merciless attitude" behind the wheel of this little, cheap death-trap and it's pressing the BRAKE! But, not for long...now it's in DRIVE, baby!
What's that? You'll just stay right where you are? You'll just make that poor person trying to back out do the Austin Powers-stuck in between two concrete walls-back up, pull forward dance? Well, aren't you the Chief of the Safety Police!
Ah! There's a space for us just on the next row...kids, let this be an example to you.
Of what, mom?
Close the door, Sweet-Pea, so I can lock the car. HEY! MADAME BLUE! I would like to thank you for providing me the situation and opportunity to educate my two children on public rudeness AND airs of entitlement!
Let's go see if Big-Overpriced-Department-Store has a nice dress for mommy. Shall we kiddos?
Scenario: Scouting the lot for the most rocking parking space...but, behind a can't-quite-see-over-the steering-wheel-old "blue hair" in a Caddy! (P.S. I've got nothing against blue-hairs...one of my great-grandmothers was 4'9", sat on a phone book to look through her steering wheel, and drove herself to the nursing home where she passed a month later from cancer...at the age of 93! and she was one of the kindest people i knew.)
Okay, kids. Help watch for that rockin' parking space! Ooh, there's one, and that old lady in the Cadilac just overshot it! SWEET!
Wait! What in the #$%% are you doing, Ma'dam Blue-Hair! Put your car back in DRIVE!
Mom, is she gonna hit us?? She's backing up!
Hey! Blue-Hair! Just because you drive a big-ole-honking Caddy, and can barely poke your blue-hair-covered head above the wheel, does NOT mean that I have to back-up my petite & precious little red ladybug because you overshot a potential parking space and are wagging your crooked-arthritic-badly-manicured thumb at me to back up!!!!
OH! Oh! Yeah! Go ahead and put your car in reverse! Yes, ma'am, I DO see your reverse lights! No, ma'am! I WON'T back up even though you keep "air-jamming" me with your thumb. Madame Blue (Hair), my car may have cost a fraction of what yours cost, and it may be a tiny, fiberglass death-trap, but there is a BIG-OLE "Sees the world in black & white-no gray areas-right & wrong-merciless attitude" behind the wheel of this little, cheap death-trap and it's pressing the BRAKE! But, not for long...now it's in DRIVE, baby!
What's that? You'll just stay right where you are? You'll just make that poor person trying to back out do the Austin Powers-stuck in between two concrete walls-back up, pull forward dance? Well, aren't you the Chief of the Safety Police!
Ah! There's a space for us just on the next row...kids, let this be an example to you.
Of what, mom?
Close the door, Sweet-Pea, so I can lock the car. HEY! MADAME BLUE! I would like to thank you for providing me the situation and opportunity to educate my two children on public rudeness AND airs of entitlement!
Let's go see if Big-Overpriced-Department-Store has a nice dress for mommy. Shall we kiddos?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Happiness Is...
These are a few of the things that make my world go round! My happiness is not limited to these things and only these things (nor are they in any specific order)...but tell me, which one of these would you NOT take over a hemorrhoid or sitting in rush hour traffic when you've had a Route 44 coke and your diuretic tablet just kicked in?!
1. The fragrance of all things Hawaiian Tropic--we swim 4-5 days a week every week during the summer...it helps drive up the stock prices for the SPF industry and we are being responsible by supporting the economy and the Cancer eradication industry!
2. Going to the Dermatologist--eradicating zits in pre-menopausal women is becoming my new cause...that and World Peace (and by world peace i mean educating the masses on better sarcasm/wit techniques and timing). By the way...Boudreaux's Butt-Paste...it ain't just for butts no more, y'all! Zits are serious. We gotta do whatever it takes!
3. Coffee--hot, cold, luke warm, iced, frozen, hot, with whipped cream, without whipped cream...my white cell count is almost completely mocha!!!
3. Coffee--hot, cold, luke warm, iced, frozen, hot, with whipped cream, without whipped cream...my white cell count is almost completely mocha!!!
4. SHOES!--new shoes, seasonal shoes, unique shoes, trying on shoes, wearing shoes, buying shoes, thinking about shoes, talking about shoes, sketching shoes.
6. To laugh! My favorite activity in the whole world is to laugh. If I can't laugh at it (at some point in time), then it's not really worth my time.
7. Taco Tuesdays at Rosa's on the 1-month anniversary of this most awesome and joyful blog!
9. My family and my friends...they ARE the muses!!
10---It's all yours! What is ONE thing that YOU LOVE?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What If?
What if life was like the DVR? What if we could record all the best parts and re-watch them over and over at our own convenience? Better yet... What if we could skip all the crap in our lives, just like it was a bad commercial?
What if we could?
What would you re-watch over and over?
But, what I really want to know is: What would you skip?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Adventures in Substitute Teaching--Ch. 2
For those of you who don't know me personally, I am a former teacher of 14 years (currently self-employed and Chief Trophy Wife). For those of you who do know me, and who have heard me use the phrase, "I taught for 14 years," quite often lately, HuSH!
Knowing that little tid-bit, you'd think that substitute teaching would be a total breeze for me, right? AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! NOT!!!!
[ring, ring, ring] me: Hello?
principal: PrissE, this is Mrs. Principal from Large School. How are you?
me: I'm great, and you?
principal: I'm wonderful. Listen, could you sub tomorrow, Thursday and Friday for one of our 4th grade teachers? She's got the flu and will have to be gone for the rest of the week.
me: [near fatal mistake] SURE! I'd love to! See you tomorrow morning!
Tomorrow Morning:
7:30 my two children and I arrive, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for school--this is just like what I've done for, well yes, 14 years! No problems right?
I sit down and study the lesson plans and schedule for the day. We have class for one hour, then the kids go to "specials" while I have conference time. They come back to me, we have two and a half hours of class, then on to lunch and recess---and here's where the day begins to go terribly wrong...at the 8:00 bell!
First and foremost, I have taught in two types of school districts...large and small. However, most of my experience has been in the latter. While technology has not completely skipped Small District, it certainly isn't ahead of itself. For instance, did you know that, at Large School, announcements now come through the TV! That's right, THE T.V.!
One student said: It's 8:10! The announcements are on!
me: Why can we hear them in the hall but not the room? (I'm thinking, poor school. They can't get their P.A. system to work either!)
One Student: NO! You have to turn on the T.V.!
me: huh??!! Oh, okay (click, and we have announcements).......Um, did one of our students just walk out the door?
Now, here's yet another issue to which I'm not accustomed being from Small School. Apparently kids here can come and go as they please...I mean, why else would Stealthy Susie just walk out of the room without telling the stupid sub who doesn't even know to turn on the T.V. for announcements!?
Two Student: Oh. She probably went to the library. She had her book and folder with her.
me: oh. Is that okay?
Two Student: She does it all the time.
Well, that sounds like permission to me. Onward we go. Stealthy Susie returns and we near 9:00 AM, get our things put away for specials, and head out the door. Ahhh. Now I can pour over the plans for the rest of the day and be ready to really move through the lessons.
10:00 Snack/Read aloud to class
10:20 Reading/Reading Activities
11:15 Math
12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess
Allow me to pause here. On the teacher's plans, at this point--and PLEASE keep in mind that she wrote these plans with an extremely high fever and the thought that she was writing them for a seasoned-veteran-capable teacher--the plans actually JUST say 12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess followed by about an inch and a half of white space. Now, I'm thinking how nice it is that the teachers have a thirty minute lunch PLUS fifteen more minutes of time to come back to the class and settle in before having to pick up the students................
At 1:15, quite proudly I might add, I am waiting at the door to the playground for my class to eagerly run to me, ready to put back on those "thinking caps" and plow through the rest of the day...except, I don't really see any of my class on the playground. Hmmm. May be I just don't recognize them....Oh, wait. I hear them hollering at me. FROM BEHIND in the hallway???
me: What are y'all doing in the hallway?
Whole Class: Where have you been!? You were supposed to come get us at 1:00 from the cafeteria and take us to recess!!! We missed our whole recess and the office has been paging you overhead!!! You gotta go to the office!
me: huh?! Be right back.
Sweet Office Ladies: Are you alright?! We couldn't find you and your class was left in the cafeteria. We thought may be you left the campus and had a wreck or fell into a diabetic coma somewhere!! (Um, prone to hyperbole, much??) We were so afraid something bad had happened to you!
me: OMG!
So, I explain the whole lesson plan misunderstanding, we all laugh, I go back to the kids, explain the lesson plan misunderstanding to them, take them back to class (without having a full recess time) and they are NOT amused!!!
After we return to class and are in full swing of our writing activities, a phone rings. Now, I know enough to know that students are not allowed to have cell phones in class and I'm bummed because I'm already on their bad-list. Taking a cell phone from a pre-teen isn't going to endear me to them.
me: Who has the phone?
Whole Class: What?
me: The phone that's ringing...who has the cell phone?
Some Kids: NO! It's the phone on the wall. Someone's calling you!
me: First, announcements on the T.V. and now, a phone in the room! What an advanced school--and what a boob of a sub!!! "Um, hello? Mrs. Sick Teacher's room........"
I hang up from having a quick chat with Sweet Office Ladies, who are just calling to check on me and make sure my plans for the rest of the day are sufficient (i.e. the kids are not unattended, I've not left the building and fallen into a diabetic coma--which is rare when you don't have diabetes--and every one is where they are supposed to be).
I turn around, and wouldn't ya know it...after assuring Sweet Office Ladies that we are right on track and every one is "where they are supposed to be," Stealthy Susie isn't in her seat!!! Nor is she in the room!
me: Where is Stealthy Susie?
Three Student: She probably went to the 5th grade hallway to talk to her friends. She does that sometimes.
me: WHAT???!!! Go get her and tell her PrissE said, "Get back to the classroom and do it now!"
Three Student leaves and I take this brief breather to check the clock.........2:15!!!!!!! I still have an hour to go!!!!!!!!!!!! You might say to yourself at this point, 'surely she can make it through one more hour without severely screwing up.....right?' Well........actually, I did. WHEW! The last hour of the day was not without bumps, mind you. But, Stealthy Susie didn't leave the room again, the T.V. and announcements weren't an issue, and we were exactly where we needed to be, altogether, with no phones ringing. All I had to do now was convince the kids that tomorrow would be better and I would NOT forget the lunch/recess incident of September 23rd! For the remainder of that hour, however, they made sure that I'd written notes on the plans for Thursday and Friday (that I am to go get them and give them their whole recess time), and they CHECKED where I'd written said notes, as if they didn't believe me!
At 3:00, Mrs. Principal walks in and checks to make sure I'm good, that the kids are good, and that I was still up for coming back on Thursday and Friday. Wonder why she thought she needed to check on us....oh, wait. Nevermind.
And, by the way, Thursday and Friday? Well, they're two whole new days with their own stories.........subbing is NOT for the faint of heart!
Knowing that little tid-bit, you'd think that substitute teaching would be a total breeze for me, right? AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! NOT!!!!
[ring, ring, ring] me: Hello?
principal: PrissE, this is Mrs. Principal from Large School. How are you?
me: I'm great, and you?
principal: I'm wonderful. Listen, could you sub tomorrow, Thursday and Friday for one of our 4th grade teachers? She's got the flu and will have to be gone for the rest of the week.
me: [near fatal mistake] SURE! I'd love to! See you tomorrow morning!
Tomorrow Morning:
7:30 my two children and I arrive, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for school--this is just like what I've done for, well yes, 14 years! No problems right?
I sit down and study the lesson plans and schedule for the day. We have class for one hour, then the kids go to "specials" while I have conference time. They come back to me, we have two and a half hours of class, then on to lunch and recess---and here's where the day begins to go terribly wrong...at the 8:00 bell!
First and foremost, I have taught in two types of school districts...large and small. However, most of my experience has been in the latter. While technology has not completely skipped Small District, it certainly isn't ahead of itself. For instance, did you know that, at Large School, announcements now come through the TV! That's right, THE T.V.!
One student said: It's 8:10! The announcements are on!
me: Why can we hear them in the hall but not the room? (I'm thinking, poor school. They can't get their P.A. system to work either!)
One Student: NO! You have to turn on the T.V.!
me: huh??!! Oh, okay (click, and we have announcements).......Um, did one of our students just walk out the door?
Now, here's yet another issue to which I'm not accustomed being from Small School. Apparently kids here can come and go as they please...I mean, why else would Stealthy Susie just walk out of the room without telling the stupid sub who doesn't even know to turn on the T.V. for announcements!?
Two Student: Oh. She probably went to the library. She had her book and folder with her.
me: oh. Is that okay?
Two Student: She does it all the time.
Well, that sounds like permission to me. Onward we go. Stealthy Susie returns and we near 9:00 AM, get our things put away for specials, and head out the door. Ahhh. Now I can pour over the plans for the rest of the day and be ready to really move through the lessons.
10:00 Snack/Read aloud to class
10:20 Reading/Reading Activities
11:15 Math
12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess
Allow me to pause here. On the teacher's plans, at this point--and PLEASE keep in mind that she wrote these plans with an extremely high fever and the thought that she was writing them for a seasoned-veteran-capable teacher--the plans actually JUST say 12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess followed by about an inch and a half of white space. Now, I'm thinking how nice it is that the teachers have a thirty minute lunch PLUS fifteen more minutes of time to come back to the class and settle in before having to pick up the students................
At 1:15, quite proudly I might add, I am waiting at the door to the playground for my class to eagerly run to me, ready to put back on those "thinking caps" and plow through the rest of the day...except, I don't really see any of my class on the playground. Hmmm. May be I just don't recognize them....Oh, wait. I hear them hollering at me. FROM BEHIND in the hallway???
me: What are y'all doing in the hallway?
Whole Class: Where have you been!? You were supposed to come get us at 1:00 from the cafeteria and take us to recess!!! We missed our whole recess and the office has been paging you overhead!!! You gotta go to the office!
me: huh?! Be right back.
Sweet Office Ladies: Are you alright?! We couldn't find you and your class was left in the cafeteria. We thought may be you left the campus and had a wreck or fell into a diabetic coma somewhere!! (Um, prone to hyperbole, much??) We were so afraid something bad had happened to you!
me: OMG!
So, I explain the whole lesson plan misunderstanding, we all laugh, I go back to the kids, explain the lesson plan misunderstanding to them, take them back to class (without having a full recess time) and they are NOT amused!!!
After we return to class and are in full swing of our writing activities, a phone rings. Now, I know enough to know that students are not allowed to have cell phones in class and I'm bummed because I'm already on their bad-list. Taking a cell phone from a pre-teen isn't going to endear me to them.
me: Who has the phone?
Whole Class: What?
me: The phone that's ringing...who has the cell phone?
Some Kids: NO! It's the phone on the wall. Someone's calling you!
me: First, announcements on the T.V. and now, a phone in the room! What an advanced school--and what a boob of a sub!!! "Um, hello? Mrs. Sick Teacher's room........"
I hang up from having a quick chat with Sweet Office Ladies, who are just calling to check on me and make sure my plans for the rest of the day are sufficient (i.e. the kids are not unattended, I've not left the building and fallen into a diabetic coma--which is rare when you don't have diabetes--and every one is where they are supposed to be).
I turn around, and wouldn't ya know it...after assuring Sweet Office Ladies that we are right on track and every one is "where they are supposed to be," Stealthy Susie isn't in her seat!!! Nor is she in the room!
me: Where is Stealthy Susie?
Three Student: She probably went to the 5th grade hallway to talk to her friends. She does that sometimes.
me: WHAT???!!! Go get her and tell her PrissE said, "Get back to the classroom and do it now!"
Three Student leaves and I take this brief breather to check the clock.........2:15!!!!!!! I still have an hour to go!!!!!!!!!!!! You might say to yourself at this point, 'surely she can make it through one more hour without severely screwing up.....right?' Well........actually, I did. WHEW! The last hour of the day was not without bumps, mind you. But, Stealthy Susie didn't leave the room again, the T.V. and announcements weren't an issue, and we were exactly where we needed to be, altogether, with no phones ringing. All I had to do now was convince the kids that tomorrow would be better and I would NOT forget the lunch/recess incident of September 23rd! For the remainder of that hour, however, they made sure that I'd written notes on the plans for Thursday and Friday (that I am to go get them and give them their whole recess time), and they CHECKED where I'd written said notes, as if they didn't believe me!
At 3:00, Mrs. Principal walks in and checks to make sure I'm good, that the kids are good, and that I was still up for coming back on Thursday and Friday. Wonder why she thought she needed to check on us....oh, wait. Nevermind.
And, by the way, Thursday and Friday? Well, they're two whole new days with their own stories.........subbing is NOT for the faint of heart!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Drama Diva: "Don't Sit by Me at the Football Game!!"
(Always remember, Drama Dive isn't real, she's a fictitious story, mostly in my head.... therefore; how could this story possibly be about YOU.)
Whew! One week of daily exfoliating done just in time for this windy football game. Naturally, my outfit is superb.
Team colors, check.
Rhinestone necklace and matching flip flops, check.
Two weights of jackets, check. I'm ready!!
Sure, flip flops might be a bit cool for the game, but this pedicure can't be hidden. That would be a crime.
Here I sit, just bringing exceeding measures of joy to every passerby. But, what's this? No takers to share my witty football comments? RATS!! My recent incarceration must be on the rumor mill.
This town has a rumor mill that could employ 100 people year round for their entire lives. Those employees must work a ton of overtime to keep it churning this long. Too bad the recession doesn't shut stupid people's mouths.
Great..... Lady Talks-a-lot and her husband, Spitty Laugher just sat down behind me. Geez.... I hope they brought all their sneezy children. OK, remain calm.... there's still plenty of room in front of me and beside me, maybe the evening won't be a total loss.
Wait, Spitty Laugher has the whole extended Spitty family with him. I wonder if the umbrella is in the car?
Look away, act busy, cell phone please ring.... please ring... please don't let Her Majesty, Queen of Lies see me..... wait, too late, she sees me. Here she comes. CRAP!! Here comes an empty conversation.
Fake smile, check. Hold on, here we go.
Her Majesty proclaims, "Hello!!! My gosh, how are you? Let me tell you an obnoxious lie about my oldest child. Yes, he's a mean bastard, but he's the smartest person in the universe and he allows peasants to serve him. The patience of this saint is beyond me...." and, then I blacked out from boredom for approximately 10 minutes, until Her Majesty walked away. (Alright, it's possible I'm paraphrasing.)
Whew! Game finally begins.
Great Game!! Super fun! Luckily for me, only my cute model husband and my own delightful children are close by. NOW, I can be appreciated for my full value. Sure!! Let's share some popcorn!
My family is the best! We are so pleasant others admire us from afar. We are being gazed at by others. Let the rumor mill churn on that for awhile. Hear that people? Gaze at me from afar, go ahead.... admire my life!
Better yet, DON'T.
Whew! One week of daily exfoliating done just in time for this windy football game. Naturally, my outfit is superb.
Team colors, check.
Rhinestone necklace and matching flip flops, check.
Two weights of jackets, check. I'm ready!!
Sure, flip flops might be a bit cool for the game, but this pedicure can't be hidden. That would be a crime.
Here I sit, just bringing exceeding measures of joy to every passerby. But, what's this? No takers to share my witty football comments? RATS!! My recent incarceration must be on the rumor mill.
This town has a rumor mill that could employ 100 people year round for their entire lives. Those employees must work a ton of overtime to keep it churning this long. Too bad the recession doesn't shut stupid people's mouths.
Great..... Lady Talks-a-lot and her husband, Spitty Laugher just sat down behind me. Geez.... I hope they brought all their sneezy children. OK, remain calm.... there's still plenty of room in front of me and beside me, maybe the evening won't be a total loss.
Wait, Spitty Laugher has the whole extended Spitty family with him. I wonder if the umbrella is in the car?
Look away, act busy, cell phone please ring.... please ring... please don't let Her Majesty, Queen of Lies see me..... wait, too late, she sees me. Here she comes. CRAP!! Here comes an empty conversation.
Fake smile, check. Hold on, here we go.
Her Majesty proclaims, "Hello!!! My gosh, how are you? Let me tell you an obnoxious lie about my oldest child. Yes, he's a mean bastard, but he's the smartest person in the universe and he allows peasants to serve him. The patience of this saint is beyond me...." and, then I blacked out from boredom for approximately 10 minutes, until Her Majesty walked away. (Alright, it's possible I'm paraphrasing.)
Whew! Game finally begins.
Great Game!! Super fun! Luckily for me, only my cute model husband and my own delightful children are close by. NOW, I can be appreciated for my full value. Sure!! Let's share some popcorn!
My family is the best! We are so pleasant others admire us from afar. We are being gazed at by others. Let the rumor mill churn on that for awhile. Hear that people? Gaze at me from afar, go ahead.... admire my life!
Better yet, DON'T.
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