Thursday, October 21, 2010

....Because I'm Wearing Red!

Today I'm wearing red.  I never wear red.  But, today I'm wearing red.  That is like total permission to free my actions from any inhibition because I'm wearing red.

Last week, I didn't wear red, because I never wear red.  I did wear black...but I wear black ALOT!  It's slimming....not that I need it.....

Last week, I attended the funeral of a lovely, generous, God-fearing, Christian woman--who I did not know (while I have NOT taken to spending my free time funeral-crashing--albeit, that's not an altogether inappropriate idea.  I am a wonderful consoler & encourager--it is true that I did not personally know this wonderful woman...she was the grandmother of a very dear friend.), but share a personal family-like connection.

In hindsight, I really should've worn red to this beautifully orchestrated affair.  As it turns out, my panty-girdle was a wee snug, my dress slightly clingy--probably because the wee snug panty-girdle caused a fury of static all up in the underside of my dress--and my new, platform-closed-toe stilettos were cutting off the circulation to this and that little piggy!  In other words, if you didn't look too closely, I looked HOT!

After sitting for almost 2 hours and hearing 6 eulogies of this marvelous woman (...and let me just say, probably, there won't even BE 6 people at my funeral--none of my teacher friends will be able to get subs--, much less 6 people who have such glowing memories and thoughts of me to share!), not only did I realize that I am totally screwed in the "doin' good deeds and earning my jewels in my crown" department, but I can no longer feel my toes and when I stand my dress will be statically suctioned to my @$$!!!!  From this point, I am no longer in control of, or responsible for, my conversation and behavior......from badly dressed to worse behaved!

With no blood circulating to my brain, I manage to make my way to the reception fairly close to the last of those to leave the sanctuary.  Somehow, though, I manage to be first in line at the refreshment tables....FIRST.  As in "before the family" FIRST!  No apologies were uttered by my numb lips, either!

Having a few calories in me, the blood begins to better circulate from my now puffy cankles--because that's just how my legs roll...after all, that's where all my height is...--and I feel slightly better and decide that conversation will do us all well.  *Please note, simply because my blood is circulating above my knee caps does NOT mean that oxygen has made it's way sufficiently to my brain.*

I find myself standing with a perfectly lovely couple--the "Stills" we'll call them--who I have known and respected for many years now.  They have been married for 35+ years and remind me of a nice combo of the Cleavers and the Cunninghams (God rest Mr. C's soul).  He's very kind, but very firm in his expectations and she's willingly supportive of him in all his expectations.  And this, y'all, is where the whole affair goes to hell in a handbag for me.....

Me:  OMG!  I hardly recognized you!  You've let your hair grow and it has gotten SO long!  I love it!

Mrs. Still:  Well, thank you.  Mr. Still likes it like this and asked me to grow it out, so I've just let it grow.  I figure I've worn it the way I wanted for 35 years, I could let it grow long and wear it the way he wants it for some years.

Me (giggling my un-oxygenated giggle):  GURL!  I'd tell Mr. Analytical "when you can GROW hair on your now bald head, YOU can tell me how YOU want for ME to wear MY hair!"  (.....un-oxygenated and anxious giggles continue.........)

Mrs. Still:  ....................*silence*.................*uncomfortable stares*.....................

Conversation concluded.....................I decided to take that opportunity to bid my farewells, shuck my stilettos, and exit the church....barefooted.....

I told y'all I shoulda worn red.

1 comment:

  1. oh. my. goodness.......

    I don't think jennifer aniston would have said those things! ha ha ha ha ha!!!