Friday, February 5, 2010

"Fat Free!" or "Mommy, Wook! She has a big hiney wike you!"

No, no, no.  Don't adjust your computer's not De Ja really have read this before.  

Re-Runs??? You ask.  

Yes, I say.

Why? You ask.

Chapter 3 is coming up next week--and, all great books are worth at least one re-read!  This is just a refresher since it's been soooo long since you've gotten to read ch. 1-2!  Enjoy!!    

Chapter 1:  “One at a Time, Please”
(in the voice of the lady on the Jay Leno Show who does the Universal Studios Photo Booth voice/sketch)

Scene:  Me, the bathroom, void of all couture, and standing on the most hated and dreaded stage of all:  THE SCALE!
…it’s spinning, it’s turning, it’s slowing, slower, slooower……
    200 lbs!!!!????
    WHAT THE….
Whew!  For a moment, I think I blacked out.  What was I doing?  Oh, yes.  The scale……

Yes, I am a church-going Christian woman.  You may ask then, why such blasphemy?  Let’s get one thing out in the open and ironed out:  Jesus loves me and works on my flaws and faults every day.  When He died on the cross for me, He did so because he knew that, one day I would use a foul word in a book—which means I’ve probably used that same foul word in life, too.  The wonderful thing about my Jesus is that He knew that when I woke up fat one day (and yes, it did happen overnight…I promise!), I’d be totally thrown by it and completely FREAKED OUT!  He knew I would be so overcome with shock and awe that I would lose all controls of my frontal lobe and let the foul word center take over the muscles in my face and my vocal chords.  He knew that my brain would then compel my fingers to type that fateful sentence that would launch me into this journey of pure he__ __……difficulty—and He knew that He would have a little more work to do with me yet!  At least I keep Him on His toes!  Better yet, I think I should be getting up on MY toes.  I’ve got a long way to go! 

“Fat”tain’s Log,” (Do you think I could get Jean Luke Piccard to do the voice work here?):  “Stardate October 6, 2009.  One week has passed since my mission to rid the celestial being, PrissE, of all cellulite and fat particles.  Days 1-5, gung ho!  Day 6-now, gung ho hum…I’m in need of a burst, a charge, and a few dollars wouldn’t hurt.” 

These are rough economic times for our country, and world markets.  Like a crazy person, I quit my teaching job in May of 2008 to follow my ambitions—to be a writer/editor/publisher.  I’ve been a teacher for fourteen years and never really felt totally satisfied.  Many moon ago, I started college as a journalism major and for a reason too conceited to discuss, I changed my major to elementary education—BIG MISTAKE for me!  Now, here I am, knocking the door of 40, overweight, out of work in one of our most desperate economic times in our country, can’t pay for another college degree—which I’m apparently going to need to follow my dreams of being in the editing/publishing business—and really wanting to eat us all out of house and home!  It’s a vicious cycle—if I eat us out of house and home, where will we live, what will we eat, and where will we get money to by some more to eat and a place to live?!  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! 

ell, I can choose to continue the freak-out phase because I need to lose 80 pounds in two days and we have limited funds to help me accomplish such a Guinness feat…or, I can eat!  JUST KIDDING!  Instead, I can do what’s free—exercise!  That’s right, exercise—and Jesus still loves me for saying the “E” word!  Everything about diet and exercise can be free (discounting groceries of course).  It’s my goal, and hopefully a resulting hot bod and huge paycheck along with the prestige of being a published author, to lose my weight for free.  No prepackaged food, no paid programs, no diet pills (although I’ve always been open to the idea—after all, we can prevent pregnancy and quit smoking with just a patch—why not a diet pill?).  My destiny, a tiny hiny, a book in print, and NO MONEY DOWN!

1 comment:

  1.'s a little peak into Jenntheology 101. After being around various other cultures...and learning that certain words that American's view as curse words-other countries do not...they're just normal words. So I started to wonder...hmmmmm...if God is hanging out up there on the Throne...and hears, let's say, the S-word...does He immediately look down to see where the person is from and decide whether or not to send a lightening bolt? Does He say- "ooooh, no worries- they're from Canada, so it's ok." Personally, I think He has better things to do. THEREFORE...I have no issue with such words. I of course try not to cause offense to us crazy Americans...but really, for the most part, I say 'H' away. :-) Besides...traumatic experiences do validate such outburts.