Dear Diva,
I have been eating right and drastically reducing my caffeine for a week so my brain is not working as it should-still recalibrating...I have a question...Can you keep the glasses after a 3D movie if you want to? I mean isn't that why the tickets are a bit higher?!? I know there are the recycling boxes at the exits-but is it against the law to keep them?
So, my husband has been working every darn weekend since Christmas and the boys and I were about to "roll" each other so we go to the delightful movie theater in Nearbyville to see Avatar in 3D. It's only showing at 7:00 because we live in the middle of nowhere!!! I swear to the patron saint of movies that the old man who walked out in front of us told the manager that he didn't think the two boys coming out turned their glasses in! I got dizzy and confused and thankfully the Holy Spirit took over my suffering body and led me to the Jesus Van without getting arrested!
Did I allow my children to steal 3D glasses or did I pay for them with an increased ticket price? Geez-we're not gonna throw them away and kill the Earth-we're gonna see if any part of life is 3D or maybe put them in a scrapbook to remember the night!
Sincerely,
Madame "Pilfer"y....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Drama Diva: "Try It Again!"
Winter time in the city. Ah, the joys of 3 degrees, chenille and soft, fuzzy boots. A Drama Diva could certainly get used to this!
Time for a warm email check! Hmmm.... how many Divas need my help today?
After a few minutes of reading and replying, I feel the need to issue a Drama Diva Mandate:
SLAM! (That was my foot soundly hitting the floor.) Keep trying it idiot blog-o-sphere, it won't work.
Time for a warm email check! Hmmm.... how many Divas need my help today?
After a few minutes of reading and replying, I feel the need to issue a Drama Diva Mandate:
Asking a Drama Diva (specifically ME) the SAME question 5 times wording it differently in each email to lengthen the time I'm irritated, will not result in a different answer.
SLAM! (That was my foot soundly hitting the floor.) Keep trying it idiot blog-o-sphere, it won't work.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Dear Rockin' Rack
Dear Rockin' Rack,
Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Form of, "DON'T BE JEALOUS because mine are REAL!" I completely hear you, gurl and can ToTaLlY empathize!! Loving the skin you're in is NOT optional in a diva's life!
First and foremost: Diva gives props to anyone and every one who support the causes that help to "stamp out disease!" So, to the clerk who "checked you out" at the register--and was sporting jewelry to support his fave cause--I say PROPS!
Now, to the aforementioned clerk who should've "checked you out," but very obviously had a seizure that prevented him from performing his obligations of support:
Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Form of, "DON'T BE JEALOUS because mine are REAL!" I completely hear you, gurl and can ToTaLlY empathize!! Loving the skin you're in is NOT optional in a diva's life!
First and foremost: Diva gives props to anyone and every one who support the causes that help to "stamp out disease!" So, to the clerk who "checked you out" at the register--and was sporting jewelry to support his fave cause--I say PROPS!
Now, to the aforementioned clerk who should've "checked you out," but very obviously had a seizure that prevented him from performing his obligations of support:
"Dude! If you so choose to support a cause by purchasing and showcasing it's merchandise,
yet you feel the desperate need to guiltily justify your choice upon receiving 'attention' for said merchandise, be prepared for me to whip out my Drama Diva Pink Hanky (these are exclusive 'thank you's to those who have 'fanned, followed, and submitted letters to' TftC specifically seeking Diva's advice) --adorned with a beautifully hand-beaded inscription: "I wipe 'DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS' looks off of dumb boys' faces!"--and wipe that "OMG! How do I justify my testosterone-fueled-stupidity!" look off of your face!
Miss Rockin', we Divas have a social & fashionably forward responsibility to the general public to hold each and every fashion-career-salesperson accountable for his/her own accessory choices (as duly noted in the official 'Diva Handbook in *Section: Ethical Responsibilities; +Subsection: Fashion Responsibilities')! We would be completely remiss if we ignored poor accessory choices/justifications and allowed those "in the profession" to unsafely accessorize or promote unsafe accessorization" to their customer base! We MUST not fear our accessories and the statements they make! It's just bad business!
In conclusion, Miss Rockin', because of your bold inquiry of a perfectly reasonable fashion accessory and a total understanding of the perpetrator's misuse & misrepresentation of his cause-support, I give you Drama Diva's Approval to apply for your "Fashion Standards" certificate, subsequently allowing you to move on to working toward your certification in "Social Graces." CONGRATS, Diva-in-training!! You are on your way to being "the complete package!"
*Smootch!*
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dear Diva....
Dear Drama Diva,
I consider myself to be a 'Drama Diva in training'. This might be an easy question, but I feel compelled to ask it.
Should I be offended that the young MAN that checked me out at the register today at the Old Navy, was wearing a leather bracelet with the inscription, 'I LOVE BOOBIES?'
Further than that, I have a pretty nice set of boobies, and he didn't compliment mine. What's up with that?
Can you help a new Diva?
Signed,
Really nice Rack, or so I thought.....
I consider myself to be a 'Drama Diva in training'. This might be an easy question, but I feel compelled to ask it.
Should I be offended that the young MAN that checked me out at the register today at the Old Navy, was wearing a leather bracelet with the inscription, 'I LOVE BOOBIES?'
Further than that, I have a pretty nice set of boobies, and he didn't compliment mine. What's up with that?
Can you help a new Diva?
Signed,
Really nice Rack, or so I thought.....
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Dear Displaced......
Dear Displaced Diva,
This is America! The good ole, U S of A! As an Olympic shopper, you are entitled an outburst here and there. It's in the training manual. (At least the copy I have, paragraph 15, subsection b. upon the 3rd offense in a row, rude people must be yelled at.)
First, you must appropriately label the LadyBug as an Olympic shopping vehicle. Any standard, handicapped parking sign will work, as you can combine that with WHAM! (or any other totally kick ass 80's music) and a CB radio to complete the Olympic shopping vehicle regulations. This way, motorists will give you the appropriate passageway with out any bird flipping.
Drama Diva snaps for keeping the giant dog safe. Giant dogs are an important element to any Diva's royal party. Their safety must remain within the top 10 important things to remember while driving. (Other 9 important things to remember while driving will be announced as necessary.)
Second, you must remember that any ATM machine currently serving other motorists should only be used by a 'Diva in Distress'. As defined by the Diva manual,
Now, this is the tricky part, because how is a Diva always going to be able to avoid lines? Really, I don't know. All I know for sure, is that if I arrive in a loud enough manner, the seas part, and there is no line. So, next time you drive up to a ATM otherwise engaged, turn up the volume or use the recently installed CB to hurry up the masses. A friendly, 'Hurry up please, I'm waiting here to withdraw the down payment for the birth of my first child..... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... I'm ready to PUSH!' should cause people to pull up. At least, it worked last week for me.
I always say, 'you catch more flies with honey than with swatters,' however; I found that to be less true when I tried a fly strip.... but, I digress.
Lastly, I must address the ring tone. Please. At this point, I feel like the entire Diva universe should applaud you! Tacky ring tones are the giant hairy mole on the face of an otherwise pleasant general public. If you must shop with the masses, the very least you can do is point out when a person has a tacky ring tone. Really? I don't think this was what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind.
Dearest Displaced Diva, I certainly hope I've been able to help you with this matter. Never doubt your shopping super powers! We can ALWAYS find someone to BLAME, after all..... bratty isn't even in the Drama Diva Dictionary! How could that possibly be true?
I'd also like to take this opportunity to THANK YOU for serving our country as an Olympic Shopper. There are so few of us. Your embroidered jacket should be arriving soon.
This is America! The good ole, U S of A! As an Olympic shopper, you are entitled an outburst here and there. It's in the training manual. (At least the copy I have, paragraph 15, subsection b. upon the 3rd offense in a row, rude people must be yelled at.)
First, you must appropriately label the LadyBug as an Olympic shopping vehicle. Any standard, handicapped parking sign will work, as you can combine that with WHAM! (or any other totally kick ass 80's music) and a CB radio to complete the Olympic shopping vehicle regulations. This way, motorists will give you the appropriate passageway with out any bird flipping.
Drama Diva snaps for keeping the giant dog safe. Giant dogs are an important element to any Diva's royal party. Their safety must remain within the top 10 important things to remember while driving. (Other 9 important things to remember while driving will be announced as necessary.)
Second, you must remember that any ATM machine currently serving other motorists should only be used by a 'Diva in Distress'. As defined by the Diva manual,
"Only a Diva in Distress shall be allowed to stand in a line for service. Otherwise, Divas should only frequent places that use lines during 'off' hours, in an attempt to minimize the amount of time a Diva is inconvenienced."
Now, this is the tricky part, because how is a Diva always going to be able to avoid lines? Really, I don't know. All I know for sure, is that if I arrive in a loud enough manner, the seas part, and there is no line. So, next time you drive up to a ATM otherwise engaged, turn up the volume or use the recently installed CB to hurry up the masses. A friendly, 'Hurry up please, I'm waiting here to withdraw the down payment for the birth of my first child..... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... I'm ready to PUSH!' should cause people to pull up. At least, it worked last week for me.
I always say, 'you catch more flies with honey than with swatters,' however; I found that to be less true when I tried a fly strip.... but, I digress.
Lastly, I must address the ring tone. Please. At this point, I feel like the entire Diva universe should applaud you! Tacky ring tones are the giant hairy mole on the face of an otherwise pleasant general public. If you must shop with the masses, the very least you can do is point out when a person has a tacky ring tone. Really? I don't think this was what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind.
Dearest Displaced Diva, I certainly hope I've been able to help you with this matter. Never doubt your shopping super powers! We can ALWAYS find someone to BLAME, after all..... bratty isn't even in the Drama Diva Dictionary! How could that possibly be true?
I'd also like to take this opportunity to THANK YOU for serving our country as an Olympic Shopper. There are so few of us. Your embroidered jacket should be arriving soon.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
"Dear Diva...."
Dear Diva,
I recently spent an afternoon out on the town ready to shop till I dropped! First stop--the ATM. This should be an "express" stop, right? I was there waiting for the 3 cars in front of me for over 20 MINUTES! FINALLY! My turn.....the issue: after about 1 minute per car, I was ready to lay on the horn and scream, "This is to QUICKLY access your account! NOT 'fill out loan documents and sign away your first born!' If you don't have $$$$ MOVE ON!" I did, however, resist so as to avoid Homeland Security and cut my shopping day short with a trip to the clink!
Pulling out of the "full service" ATM, the smooth holiday crooning of that timeless sensation, WHAM! seemed to bring my BP back down to normal and I pointed my precious 'LadyBug' in the direction of my next destination--the NEW Barnes & Noble!
As I was driving--safely and within all legal & posted limits--I found myself behind a s..l..o..w..moving pick-up truck with a beautiful Great Pirinese in the back end. Being the considerate and thoughtful person I am, and only thinking of the pooch's safety, I moved into the left passing lane--with the finesse of a professional and the safety that only a driver's ed handbook could appropriately illustrate--and passed the leisurely moving truck. To my total shock and dismay, the driver flipped me off!!! FLIES HER BIRD AT ME!!! My first instinct: Follow her to her destination, use my sound-barrier-breaking scream to express the wrong she's inflicted and piously preach my selfless concern for her exposed pooch! After only a moment's consideration, however, said pooch brought me cause to consider the ramifications of approaching his owner in anger while he's not properly leashed & secured.....
Opting for my own safety, I continued on to my intended destination......did I mention the B&N is NEW?? AND 2-Stories!!!
AAAAHHHH! Arrival! I smelled the newness, the paper, and the fragrant aroma of the life-giving elixir known as coffee. I found the book of my heart's desire, bought my favorite luscious mocha, and planted myself in a wonderfully cushy spot to enjoy my purchases......
That is when the proverbial straw caused this camel to come completely unhinged!
What was "the straw," you ask? An ignored and ringing cell phone!!! Sounds harmless, right? Not so harmless to the lady whose phone was ringing......
Apparently, in a moment of what most professionals labeled a "psychotic break (whatever!)," I shouted a multitude of chastisements rivaling a New York-Mafia-Sailor. I don't recall most of them (my paperwork says it's "post traumatic stress-amnesia resulting in temporary insanity--again...whatever!). But, as I regained consciousness, I heard myself shouting, ".....AND JESUS DOES NOT ALLOW CELL-RECEPTION IN HEAVEN! SO, GUESS WHERE YOU'RE GOING?????"
Needless to say, the "new" B&N won't be so new when I'm allowed--legally--to darken it's doorway....
Diva--do I need meds?? Maybe therapy?? Is this really my problem, or is it just the general public totally losing all social courtesy? How can I get a grip so that I don't have to be relegated to.....dare I say it......online shopping only? Shopping is one of my personal life missions! It's one of my super-powers! I'm an OLYMPIC-skilled shopper!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signed,
"Displaced New-Yorker?? or just a bratty Drama Queen??"
I recently spent an afternoon out on the town ready to shop till I dropped! First stop--the ATM. This should be an "express" stop, right? I was there waiting for the 3 cars in front of me for over 20 MINUTES! FINALLY! My turn.....the issue: after about 1 minute per car, I was ready to lay on the horn and scream, "This is to QUICKLY access your account! NOT 'fill out loan documents and sign away your first born!' If you don't have $$$$ MOVE ON!" I did, however, resist so as to avoid Homeland Security and cut my shopping day short with a trip to the clink!
Pulling out of the "full service" ATM, the smooth holiday crooning of that timeless sensation, WHAM! seemed to bring my BP back down to normal and I pointed my precious 'LadyBug' in the direction of my next destination--the NEW Barnes & Noble!
As I was driving--safely and within all legal & posted limits--I found myself behind a s..l..o..w..moving pick-up truck with a beautiful Great Pirinese in the back end. Being the considerate and thoughtful person I am, and only thinking of the pooch's safety, I moved into the left passing lane--with the finesse of a professional and the safety that only a driver's ed handbook could appropriately illustrate--and passed the leisurely moving truck. To my total shock and dismay, the driver flipped me off!!! FLIES HER BIRD AT ME!!! My first instinct: Follow her to her destination, use my sound-barrier-breaking scream to express the wrong she's inflicted and piously preach my selfless concern for her exposed pooch! After only a moment's consideration, however, said pooch brought me cause to consider the ramifications of approaching his owner in anger while he's not properly leashed & secured.....
Opting for my own safety, I continued on to my intended destination......did I mention the B&N is NEW?? AND 2-Stories!!!
AAAAHHHH! Arrival! I smelled the newness, the paper, and the fragrant aroma of the life-giving elixir known as coffee. I found the book of my heart's desire, bought my favorite luscious mocha, and planted myself in a wonderfully cushy spot to enjoy my purchases......
That is when the proverbial straw caused this camel to come completely unhinged!
What was "the straw," you ask? An ignored and ringing cell phone!!! Sounds harmless, right? Not so harmless to the lady whose phone was ringing......
Apparently, in a moment of what most professionals labeled a "psychotic break (whatever!)," I shouted a multitude of chastisements rivaling a New York-Mafia-Sailor. I don't recall most of them (my paperwork says it's "post traumatic stress-amnesia resulting in temporary insanity--again...whatever!). But, as I regained consciousness, I heard myself shouting, ".....AND JESUS DOES NOT ALLOW CELL-RECEPTION IN HEAVEN! SO, GUESS WHERE YOU'RE GOING?????"
Needless to say, the "new" B&N won't be so new when I'm allowed--legally--to darken it's doorway....
Diva--do I need meds?? Maybe therapy?? Is this really my problem, or is it just the general public totally losing all social courtesy? How can I get a grip so that I don't have to be relegated to.....dare I say it......online shopping only? Shopping is one of my personal life missions! It's one of my super-powers! I'm an OLYMPIC-skilled shopper!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signed,
"Displaced New-Yorker?? or just a bratty Drama Queen??"
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Rumors of my incarceration have been greatly exaggerated.
Happy New Year! Hey blog world? What's your New Year's Resolution?
Me?
I'm so glad you asked.
I think it's time to clean out closets at my house. It's been ** cough ** a long time.
The Bossman was cleaning out his side of the closet a few nights ago, and came upon some old costumes. They're striped 'prison inmate' costumes. Mav wants to know what they are, and why do we have them?
The boys run in and ask me, 'Mom? Have you ever been in jail?' I reply, (because I'm all clever and sarcastic), 'Who wants to know?'
OK, that was my mistake. Now, here's my problem.
My children think I've been in jail. They think I was only in jail on the weekends, because I had work release during the week. (Thank you Bossman for putting too much realism into the sarcastic story.) Those boys never even asked what I was locked up for. They just believed that I could be locked up for something.
The only way I was able to convince them that I'd never been locked up was to tell them that the school wouldn't have hired me if I had a record.
Problem solved. Or, so I thought.
Bossman tells them that my record is sealed to protect National Security. Great! Now homeland security is involved.
I certainly hope border patrol never pulls us over. I might get a free trip to Mexico. At least, there wouldn't be snow.
It's not all bad.... Mav won't jingle keys around me anymore. He doesn't want to 'stir up any bad memories of my time in jail.'
Me?
I'm so glad you asked.
I think it's time to clean out closets at my house. It's been ** cough ** a long time.
The Bossman was cleaning out his side of the closet a few nights ago, and came upon some old costumes. They're striped 'prison inmate' costumes. Mav wants to know what they are, and why do we have them?
Bossman: That's what your mom used to wear in jail.
Mav: REALLY?
Bossman: Yes. She won't wear them anymore. Too many bad memories....
Fox: REALLY?
Bossman: Yes. Go ask her.
The boys run in and ask me, 'Mom? Have you ever been in jail?' I reply, (because I'm all clever and sarcastic), 'Who wants to know?'
OK, that was my mistake. Now, here's my problem.
My children think I've been in jail. They think I was only in jail on the weekends, because I had work release during the week. (Thank you Bossman for putting too much realism into the sarcastic story.) Those boys never even asked what I was locked up for. They just believed that I could be locked up for something.
The only way I was able to convince them that I'd never been locked up was to tell them that the school wouldn't have hired me if I had a record.
Problem solved. Or, so I thought.
Bossman tells them that my record is sealed to protect National Security. Great! Now homeland security is involved.
I certainly hope border patrol never pulls us over. I might get a free trip to Mexico. At least, there wouldn't be snow.
It's not all bad.... Mav won't jingle keys around me anymore. He doesn't want to 'stir up any bad memories of my time in jail.'
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