Sometimes, I get bored.....

Sometimes, I get bored of my daily life. I live in a painfully small town, one of those places with dirt roads and no stop lights. We have one stop sign, and it fell down last week, and no one noticed. It gets boring here, especially in the winter, when it's so cold you can't go outside for any length of time. It's a slow pace of life.

Last week, when I was especially bored with my daily life, I decided to shake things up. Yes, I'm entertaining only myself at this point.

I wore fake eyelashes. I wore them all day. I made strange faces at people, blinked wildly at them, and made conversation with folks in the hallway for no reason. I stood around all day laughing at myself. I did it all because I was bored with daily life.

No one noticed. I must have applied them really well, because my attempt to shake things up, resulted in only my amusement. Some people thought I was crazy for all the blinking, but really? Those people probably already thought I was crazy, even before the blinking.

I think I should try something else. Anyone got any funny ideas?

Winter funk can't control me!

Winter funk has met it's match!

Good bye funk! Although, snow continues to fall and the cold wind won't stop blowing, today I'm gonna count some summer blessings! Feel free to chime in!

* Bright color polish on my toes.
* Smell of Coppertone in my nose.
* Tons of super cute new swimsuits on the racks in all the stores! And, new cover up choices in magazines galore!
* The promise of new flip flops around each corner.
* Another beautiful sunset means spring is coming closer.
* Coats hanging in the closet with no clear purpose.
* No alarm clocks ringing.
* Green grass, trees and blooming flowers.
* Drinking from the water hose.
* Shorts.
* Carefree days.
* Clear nights.
* Happy.

Winter funk, you can't control me!

Yes, I did that.....

Every once in a while, something happens that you never expect.

Yesterday, while running ordinary, mundane errands, I had a fun conversation with the sales lady at the beauty supply store. Let me first just tell you that she is an awesome sales lady! She stopped working a shelf stocking job to assist me, and she did it within the first few seconds of me entering the store! Thanks lady! You're awesome, and as a reward, I'm going to make you famous in this blog post.

** ding ** (Door rings as I enter the small store.)

Sales lady: Hello & Good Morning! Can I help you find something?

Me: Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm looking for some shampoo..... it's called, 'Pure Silver'.

Sales lady: OK Hon, come on back here, we have some on the shelf.

(We walk to the back of the store together.)

Sales lady: Here it is. We have several brands that do the same thing as 'Pure Silver', I prefer this particular generic. It works great on my customers, and it's about half the price. I'd recommend this.

Me: Oh, thank you for the information! That's so helpful! I'll take the generic!

(dramatic pause)

Sales lady: Um, excuse me, but do you know what this shampoo is for?

Me: Oh yes, it's for white hair.

Sales lady: Yes, that's right, but.....
(She looks at my brunette locks that frame my face with just a few gray highlights... shut up people, my color appointment is next month.)

Me: Oh right! It's not for me, we're washing goats tomorrow night.

Suddenly, her face becomes blank, then a curious look of confusion takes over. Then, she smiles and says,

'Oh, this is some kind of joke right? You're pulling my leg!'

We both begin to laugh.

No, I'm not pulling any one's leg about this, and it didn't even cross my mind as being an absurd thing to do, until the sales lady pointed it out to me.

I just made a special stop at a beauty supply store and bought 'Pure Silver' shampoo, specially formulated for beautiful white hair, for the sole purpose of washing goats. Then, I actually admitted to that purpose to the sales lady, who now thinks I'm strange.

Yes, I did that, and I don't think it's really all that strange. Thanks for the help sales lady! We're going to have some beautiful white goats!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Just an FYI......and No. I'm not jealous.

Here's a little "free advice," from me to you--a little FYI, if you will.

Ladies (and men who choose to.....well, you know who you are),
Let me bend your ear regarding your fashion choices.

If your dress is so short that, as you walk out onto the stage of the David Letterman Show, you have to hold onto it and pull it down as you walk, perhaps--and I'm just going out on a limb here--perhaps your dress is a titch TOO SHORT!


Also, if you are unable to even walk like homosapien erectus (that's 'human being' for all of you who can't do Rocket-Cereal Science like I...) while entering the David Letterman Show stage due to the fact that your stilettos are approximately 3-5 inches shy of sending you "ass over tea-kettle" (as my sweet Granny--in her Alzheimer years--used to say), perhaps you might want to invest in a lovely pair of BALLET FLATS!

Consider this a simple Safety Advisory...me saving you from sharing your "naughties" with the general North American viewing public while in the process of making the bloopers reel via the tumble you take thanks to the body-bucking stilettos your scooting across that stage.  No thanks necessary, SweetPea...it's my job.

P.S. Good luck with that whole 'sports' thing you've got going......

Briefly....

A little bit of random.

Briefly today, I understood why people become teachers. I enjoyed it for a moment, then it passed.

Today I understood shortcomings are not failures.

I had a light bulb moment today. Then, someone turned the switch off.

Mav asked me to take a picture of his ear....



so I did.

The official first day of spring is March 20th.

Please hurry.

"Fat Free!" Ch. 3--Balanced Nutrition (all that I know...the shortest chapter to date)

To quote my favorite movie line of all time in an effort to express yet another aspect of weight loss to which I'm completely amenable:
Andy Sachs to Emily:  You look great!  
Emily to Andy Sachs:  Thank you!  I'm one stomach flu away from reaching goal weight!
----The Devil Wears Prada

While, mildly sadly, I'm not that near goal weight, I wouldn't be completely opposed to a little stomach bug to jump start the "after holidays" weight loss!  Alas, no bug for me and a stalled motivation to boot!  Whatever shall I do?..................I know!  I'll adjust my nutritional intake!!!

Day 1:  I'll take the Special K Challenge and replace 2 meals a day for 2 weeks with a bowl of Special K.  Wonder how many boxes I'll need to buy for the 2 weeks.  Says here on the Chocolate Special K box that there are 12 servings in this eeee-weeee tiny box....hmmm.  So, while I'm no Rocket-Cereal Scientist, I think I'll need only 2 boxes plus 2 servings from a 3rd box.  (I'd like to take a moment here to thank all of my precious friends who teach math, know math, and can do math...I'm sure, at some point, you are why I can do Rocket-Cereal Science!)  SWEET!  That's some inexpensive diet food! 


Day 2:  @#$%!!  Whose been eating my Chocolate Special K??????!!!!  I've only had 2 servings and there's only HALF of a box left!!!!!  (if you listen closely, you can hear Mr. Analytical meekly and tenderly explaining weights & measures and possibly the metric system....I'm not totally certain, though, as I've gone into a rage-starvation-&-carnivorous induced coma...) WHAT?!?  HOW much is a serving??!?  That's not a serving!!!  That's a nibble!  An appetizer!!!  A serving is a FULL bowl of cereal (I use the deep bowls for better flake-handling) with milk oozing up through it's cracks!!!  YOU mean to tell me that I've eaten 3 DAYS worth of food in only 1 DAY!!!?!  SON OF A -------------------------------------------------------!!!!!!

I'd like to go on record here and say to the folks at the DUHpartment of NOTrition:  12 servings in a box of Chocolate Special K there are NOT!!!!!!!!  Unless, of course, you're supermodel skinny and know that you're gonna puke it up in the end anyway...then, naturally, it would be perfectly logical to assume that there are possibly even 24 servings in your boxes.


I would be completely remiss, however, if I neglected to correctly educate you.  Allow me to share the "New Food Pyramid:"


Apparently, as NOT outlined in the "New Food Pyramid," 2 doses of an antibiotic, a dose of an antacid, 1 cereal bar, 1 slice of pizza, and 1 glass of wine a balanced DAILY nutritional intake do not make!

Perhaps I've gone from one extreme to the other?  Yep.  I'm screwed.  Or....am I the "new 14" in reverse?!                        

Andy Sachs:  So, none of the girls here eat anything?

Nigel:  Not since size two became the new four and size zero became the new two.

Andy Sachs:  Well, I'm a six...

Nigel:  Which is the new fourteen.

----The Devil Wears Prada

P.S.  Little Debbie is the Devil in a blue gingham dress!

"Fat Free!" Ch. 2--23 Lbs. down...and Baby STILL Gotta Fat-Back!"

Chapter 2:  “23 Lbs down…and Baby STILL Gotta Fat-Back!”

Little & PrissE (PRE-23 Lb loss!)

Little:  Mommy, when are you gonna lose the rest of your fat?

“It’s just another manic Monday, oooohhhh wooaaooo, That’s my funday, woooooooaaaoooo  wooooaaoo…”  As if I needed another day of mania! 

Well, actually, I completely skipped out on Monday (okay…so I’ve skipped out on several Mondays).  Now it’s Wednesday—December 9^th--I’ve not lost 80 pounds, and summer is less than six months away…the 80 pounds has to be gone!  Is it possible to break the Biggest Loser records at home, without a trainer, access to equipment, and a pantry full of processed food?  SURE!!  Oh, yeah, and every other commercial I see on TV is either a diet program or a fast food commercial. 

Did I mention that I’m watching lots of TV?  Could that be an issue?  Could that be the reason my metabolism is operating at the pace of snail?  

“How’s that working for ya?” (Can’t you see Dr. Phil standing in between me and my T.V. asking me this question?  Ooh!  Too creepy!  Sometimes, I think Jesus speaks to us through people like Dr. Phil…NOT!) 

Needless to say, after much negotiation between my foot and Dr. Phil’s high & mighty not-so-skinny moral turpitude, he’s now moved out from in between me and my daily dose of 7^th Heaven, Matlock, and my recorded episodes of DCC. I suppose a smidge of cardio during DCC wouldn’t be so bad…maybe I could do a routine or two with Kitty and the Training Camp Candidates…two, may be three minutes later:

PrissE:  Hello.  911?  HELP!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 3!  COMING UP FEBRUARY 9, 2010!!

"Fat Free!" or "Mommy, Wook! She has a big hiney wike you!"

No, no, no.  Don't adjust your computer screen...it's not De Ja Vu...you really have read this before.  

Re-Runs??? You ask.  

Yes, I say.

Why? You ask.

Chapter 3 is coming up next week--and, all great books are worth at least one re-read!  This is just a refresher since it's been soooo long since you've gotten to read ch. 1-2!  Enjoy!!    

Chapter 1:  “One at a Time, Please”

(in the voice of the lady on the Jay Leno Show who does the Universal Studios Photo Booth voice/sketch)

Scene:  Me, the bathroom, void of all couture, and standing on the most hated and dreaded stage of all:  THE SCALE!

…it’s spinning, it’s turning, it’s slowing, slower, slooower……

    200 lbs!!!!????

    WHAT THE….

Whew!  For a moment, I think I blacked out.  What was I doing?  Oh, yes.  The scale……

    HELL??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am a church-going Christian woman.  You may ask then, why such blasphemy?  Let’s get one thing out in the open and ironed out:  Jesus loves me and works on my flaws and faults every day.  When He died on the cross for me, He did so because he knew that, one day I would use a foul word in a book—which means I’ve probably used that same foul word in life, too.  The wonderful thing about my Jesus is that He knew that when I woke up fat one day (and yes, it did happen overnight…I promise!), I’d be totally thrown by it and completely FREAKED OUT!  He knew I would be so overcome with shock and awe that I would lose all controls of my frontal lobe and let the foul word center take over the muscles in my face and my vocal chords.  He knew that my brain would then compel my fingers to type that fateful sentence that would launch me into this journey of pure he__ __……difficulty—and He knew that He would have a little more work to do with me yet!  At least I keep Him on His toes!  Better yet, I think I should be getting up on MY toes.  I’ve got a long way to go! 

“Fat”tain’s Log,” (Do you think I could get Jean Luke Piccard to do the voice work here?):  “Stardate October 6, 2009.  One week has passed since my mission to rid the celestial being, PrissE, of all cellulite and fat particles.  Days 1-5, gung ho!  Day 6-now, gung ho hum…I’m in need of a burst, a charge, and a few dollars wouldn’t hurt.” 

These are rough economic times for our country, and world markets.  Like a crazy person, I quit my teaching job in May of 2008 to follow my ambitions—to be a writer/editor/publisher.  I’ve been a teacher for fourteen years and never really felt totally satisfied.  Many moon ago, I started college as a journalism major and for a reason too conceited to discuss, I changed my major to elementary education—BIG MISTAKE for me!  Now, here I am, knocking the door of 40, overweight, out of work in one of our most desperate economic times in our country, can’t pay for another college degree—which I’m apparently going to need to follow my dreams of being in the editing/publishing business—and really wanting to eat us all out of house and home!  It’s a vicious cycle—if I eat us out of house and home, where will we live, what will we eat, and where will we get money to by some more to eat and a place to live?!  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! 

Well, I can choose to continue the freak-out phase because I need to lose 80 pounds in two days and we have limited funds to help me accomplish such a Guinness feat…or, I can eat!  JUST KIDDING!  Instead, I can do what’s free—exercise!  That’s right, exercise—and Jesus still loves me for saying the “E” word!  Everything about diet and exercise can be free (discounting groceries of course).  It’s my goal, and hopefully a resulting hot bod and huge paycheck along with the prestige of being a published author, to lose my weight for free.  No prepackaged food, no paid programs, no diet pills (although I’ve always been open to the idea—after all, we can prevent pregnancy and quit smoking with just a patch—why not a diet pill?).  My destiny, a tiny hiny, a book in print, and NO MONEY DOWN!

What does my front porch say about my life?

This is a picture of my front porch.



Snow, bones, bird feathers, an old bowl full of dog food......

YO Quiero!!!

Sometimes, as the celebrity personalities--and owners--behind Tales from the Compact, it's Sassy's and my responsibility to be among the "movers and shakers" in our community (a little too 1970's creepy disco dude, huh?  sorry).

This past weekend was just that occasion!  Mr. Analytical and I attended one of his hospital's biggest fundraising events of the year:  The Gala!  Wonderful food, terrific entertainment, every one in their cocktail-best, and all for a great cause.  Plus, the local celebs come out in force!!

Naturally, we rubbed elbows with local news and radio personalities, some of the most influential financial-moguls in town and many business owners (yes, I was kinda outta place--country come to town fer sher! but my dress was hot!).  One of my favorite celebrity-acquaintances that I made at this fancy shindig was with local business man, Darrin Camp, and his absolutely fantastic wife, Julia (it's totally true, too, that behind every great man there's a ROCKIN' wife!!).  Darrin and his family own the local Taco Bell franchise.

As most of you know, Taco Bell has recently launched a "drive-thru weight-loss" campaign in order to inject themselves into the "healthier living" fast food market.  I, as a current owner of what I call a body powered by fast food--hence I carry an extra pound or two, am terribly skeptical of said marketing tactic.........and, after a small margarita, I felt compelled to make sure that Darrin understood my skepticism!  That's right.  I jumped up on my high horse and rode that pony all night.

Needless to say, by evening's end, my precious new friend was justifying as fast as he could....but, my loyal-subjects, he never abandoned his support for his company!  I admire that loyalty-to-company and willingness to educate the public in the ways of healthy eating habits.

Soooo, out of respect for my new friend and in an effort to better educate myself as opposed to just standing in customer-judgement (I know!!  Look at me being all pro-active and stuff!!), I am pledging to Darrin Camp to come into one of his stores, read the advertisement (because apparently there's a disclaimer that I'm not privy to and am passing judgement without analyzing ALL of the data and being well-informed...whatever!), and follow the "program" as designed by the marketing department!  Plus, I felt kinda bad for being so relentless--a total attack of conscience...first time this year...and I hope it's my last--so I told him I would be an "informed customer" and give his stores a plug on the Compact.  I know, I know.  Pushover!

I'M GOING ON A FAST FOOD DIET!!!!  Nobody pinch me--this is like one of my biggest dreams come true!!  We don't have all of the specs worked out yet, but as soon as I check out the disclaimer and develop a plan of action, Y'ALL will be the first to know!  And, all of my progress and results will be shared HERE on the Compact first!!!  WISH ME LUCK!!!!!


P.S.  Subway & Jared, you better watch out!  PrissE, Darrin & Taco Bell are coming after you!!!!

EAT AT TACO BELL.....ESPECIALLY IN LUBBOCK!!!!

Adventures in Substitute Teaching: Thunder Snow

Substitute teaching is always exciting! Recently, I enjoyed a particularly exciting weather incident and decided to email the story to my friend, Amy. The email to her went something like this:

To: Amy
From: Sassy
RE: Winter can leave!!

OH MY GOSH!!! You are NOT going to believe this day!!

It's been raining ALL NIGHT!! Everything is flooded. I have a sub assignment at school for 4th/5th grade math, so I hustle up there. Brrrrr... it's cold and windy, my umbrella nearly didn't make it into the building. Approximately mid-way through the first period the thunder snow starts. HELLO? Have you ever tried to teach a math lesson about angles to a group of 4th graders during a thunder snow? Not the most fun ever. They weren't even interested in my funny names for obtuse and acute angles..... WHATEVER!!

Next comes 2nd period, more 4th graders.... I had just started in really good with the angle lesson, and we're all jazzed up about it when the announcement comes on. EARLY RELEASE! (The Principal should have just yelled, FIRE!! It would have resulted in the same response.) The kids all started yelling and freaking out, so I barely heard the rest of the message..... 'send 4th & 5th grade to lunch at 10am.' (It's currently 9:59am)... So frantically, the teachers (and, I include myself 'loosely' in that group)start sending kids to lunch.

Students and teachers are frantically trying to call parents, because we can't put a child on the bus unless there is going to be someone at home at 12noon to get them, so it was a big, big mess!

** All the while, I'm thinking that I've GOT to call my stamp ladies!! It's snowing heavily already, and the roads have that layer of ice/rain underneath the snow, so I know NO ONE is going to drive in this. **

OH! I forgot to tell you the part when I fell in the mud/snow. Yep, that was a good part. I had about 7 boys in my car, and while I was trying to clean the windows and un-freeze the door hinge on the back hatch of my car, I slipped in mud/snow and twisted my ankle.

Also? I the back hatch is still frozen shut, so I still can't open it up to set up the 3rd row of seats for the extra kids I'm taking home.

Tired yet?

So, we get home, and I call Wendy to talk about the class cancellation, and my phone is buzzing really bad... the lines are super wet, so don't know how much longer we'll have phone/Internet service.

It gets better.

I can't make a cell phone call unless I'm perched on my roof, and with all the snow and ice, and my twisted ankle, it's not really safe for me to make the climb.

Believing all this??

It's true...

So, I was going to send you pics from my cell phone of my charm design, and the snow, but they (the pics) won't send right now because of the whole roof issue (or is it an ankle issue?)

Can you believe this is my life?

Then, I called the Bossman to tell him we were all home and safe, and he didn't even know I'd been at school, and when I told him that I had fallen, he laughed and asked me if the car was alright!! (Seriously, he did that, but all the while knowing I wasn't hurt, so it's fine, I was laughing.) Then, he asked if the DOGS were OK. SERIOUSLY? The dogs?? My reply?.... 'Yes, I already checked them.' Because even if I'm wet with a twisted ankle, I must check my dogs.

Oh, and so we cancelled the stamp class until next week. I'm done with winter.

Adios warm person,
Sassy

PS.... This is an hilarious email... it's a blog post.