Scene: Local mall parking lot (can you see where this is going?)
Scenario: Scouting the lot for the most rocking parking space...but, behind a can't-quite-see-over-the steering-wheel-old "blue hair" in a Caddy! (P.S. I've got nothing against blue-hairs...one of my great-grandmothers was 4'9", sat on a phone book to look through her steering wheel, and drove herself to the nursing home where she passed a month later from cancer...at the age of 93! and she was one of the kindest people i knew.)
Okay, kids. Help watch for that rockin' parking space! Ooh, there's one, and that old lady in the Cadilac just overshot it! SWEET!
Wait! What in the #$%% are you doing, Ma'dam Blue-Hair! Put your car back in DRIVE!
Mom, is she gonna hit us?? She's backing up!
Hey! Blue-Hair! Just because you drive a big-ole-honking Caddy, and can barely poke your blue-hair-covered head above the wheel, does NOT mean that I have to back-up my petite & precious little red ladybug because you overshot a potential parking space and are wagging your crooked-arthritic-badly-manicured thumb at me to back up!!!!
OH! Oh! Yeah! Go ahead and put your car in reverse! Yes, ma'am, I DO see your reverse lights! No, ma'am! I WON'T back up even though you keep "air-jamming" me with your thumb. Madame Blue (Hair), my car may have cost a fraction of what yours cost, and it may be a tiny, fiberglass death-trap, but there is a BIG-OLE "Sees the world in black & white-no gray areas-right & wrong-merciless attitude" behind the wheel of this little, cheap death-trap and it's pressing the BRAKE! But, not for long...now it's in DRIVE, baby!
What's that? You'll just stay right where you are? You'll just make that poor person trying to back out do the Austin Powers-stuck in between two concrete walls-back up, pull forward dance? Well, aren't you the Chief of the Safety Police!
Ah! There's a space for us just on the next row...kids, let this be an example to you.
Of what, mom?
Close the door, Sweet-Pea, so I can lock the car. HEY! MADAME BLUE! I would like to thank you for providing me the situation and opportunity to educate my two children on public rudeness AND airs of entitlement!
Let's go see if Big-Overpriced-Department-Store has a nice dress for mommy. Shall we kiddos?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Happiness Is...
These are a few of the things that make my world go round! My happiness is not limited to these things and only these things (nor are they in any specific order)...but tell me, which one of these would you NOT take over a hemorrhoid or sitting in rush hour traffic when you've had a Route 44 coke and your diuretic tablet just kicked in?!
1. The fragrance of all things Hawaiian Tropic--we swim 4-5 days a week every week during the summer...it helps drive up the stock prices for the SPF industry and we are being responsible by supporting the economy and the Cancer eradication industry!
2. Going to the Dermatologist--eradicating zits in pre-menopausal women is becoming my new cause...that and World Peace (and by world peace i mean educating the masses on better sarcasm/wit techniques and timing). By the way...Boudreaux's Butt-Paste...it ain't just for butts no more, y'all! Zits are serious. We gotta do whatever it takes!
3. Coffee--hot, cold, luke warm, iced, frozen, hot, with whipped cream, without whipped cream...my white cell count is almost completely mocha!!!
3. Coffee--hot, cold, luke warm, iced, frozen, hot, with whipped cream, without whipped cream...my white cell count is almost completely mocha!!!
4. SHOES!--new shoes, seasonal shoes, unique shoes, trying on shoes, wearing shoes, buying shoes, thinking about shoes, talking about shoes, sketching shoes.
6. To laugh! My favorite activity in the whole world is to laugh. If I can't laugh at it (at some point in time), then it's not really worth my time.
7. Taco Tuesdays at Rosa's on the 1-month anniversary of this most awesome and joyful blog!
9. My family and my friends...they ARE the muses!!
10---It's all yours! What is ONE thing that YOU LOVE?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What If?
What if life was like the DVR? What if we could record all the best parts and re-watch them over and over at our own convenience? Better yet... What if we could skip all the crap in our lives, just like it was a bad commercial?
What if we could?
What would you re-watch over and over?
But, what I really want to know is: What would you skip?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Adventures in Substitute Teaching--Ch. 2
For those of you who don't know me personally, I am a former teacher of 14 years (currently self-employed and Chief Trophy Wife). For those of you who do know me, and who have heard me use the phrase, "I taught for 14 years," quite often lately, HuSH!
Knowing that little tid-bit, you'd think that substitute teaching would be a total breeze for me, right? AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! NOT!!!!
[ring, ring, ring] me: Hello?
principal: PrissE, this is Mrs. Principal from Large School. How are you?
me: I'm great, and you?
principal: I'm wonderful. Listen, could you sub tomorrow, Thursday and Friday for one of our 4th grade teachers? She's got the flu and will have to be gone for the rest of the week.
me: [near fatal mistake] SURE! I'd love to! See you tomorrow morning!
Tomorrow Morning:
7:30 my two children and I arrive, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for school--this is just like what I've done for, well yes, 14 years! No problems right?
I sit down and study the lesson plans and schedule for the day. We have class for one hour, then the kids go to "specials" while I have conference time. They come back to me, we have two and a half hours of class, then on to lunch and recess---and here's where the day begins to go terribly wrong...at the 8:00 bell!
First and foremost, I have taught in two types of school districts...large and small. However, most of my experience has been in the latter. While technology has not completely skipped Small District, it certainly isn't ahead of itself. For instance, did you know that, at Large School, announcements now come through the TV! That's right, THE T.V.!
One student said: It's 8:10! The announcements are on!
me: Why can we hear them in the hall but not the room? (I'm thinking, poor school. They can't get their P.A. system to work either!)
One Student: NO! You have to turn on the T.V.!
me: huh??!! Oh, okay (click, and we have announcements).......Um, did one of our students just walk out the door?
Now, here's yet another issue to which I'm not accustomed being from Small School. Apparently kids here can come and go as they please...I mean, why else would Stealthy Susie just walk out of the room without telling the stupid sub who doesn't even know to turn on the T.V. for announcements!?
Two Student: Oh. She probably went to the library. She had her book and folder with her.
me: oh. Is that okay?
Two Student: She does it all the time.
Well, that sounds like permission to me. Onward we go. Stealthy Susie returns and we near 9:00 AM, get our things put away for specials, and head out the door. Ahhh. Now I can pour over the plans for the rest of the day and be ready to really move through the lessons.
10:00 Snack/Read aloud to class
10:20 Reading/Reading Activities
11:15 Math
12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess
Allow me to pause here. On the teacher's plans, at this point--and PLEASE keep in mind that she wrote these plans with an extremely high fever and the thought that she was writing them for a seasoned-veteran-capable teacher--the plans actually JUST say 12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess followed by about an inch and a half of white space. Now, I'm thinking how nice it is that the teachers have a thirty minute lunch PLUS fifteen more minutes of time to come back to the class and settle in before having to pick up the students................
At 1:15, quite proudly I might add, I am waiting at the door to the playground for my class to eagerly run to me, ready to put back on those "thinking caps" and plow through the rest of the day...except, I don't really see any of my class on the playground. Hmmm. May be I just don't recognize them....Oh, wait. I hear them hollering at me. FROM BEHIND in the hallway???
me: What are y'all doing in the hallway?
Whole Class: Where have you been!? You were supposed to come get us at 1:00 from the cafeteria and take us to recess!!! We missed our whole recess and the office has been paging you overhead!!! You gotta go to the office!
me: huh?! Be right back.
Sweet Office Ladies: Are you alright?! We couldn't find you and your class was left in the cafeteria. We thought may be you left the campus and had a wreck or fell into a diabetic coma somewhere!! (Um, prone to hyperbole, much??) We were so afraid something bad had happened to you!
me: OMG!
So, I explain the whole lesson plan misunderstanding, we all laugh, I go back to the kids, explain the lesson plan misunderstanding to them, take them back to class (without having a full recess time) and they are NOT amused!!!
After we return to class and are in full swing of our writing activities, a phone rings. Now, I know enough to know that students are not allowed to have cell phones in class and I'm bummed because I'm already on their bad-list. Taking a cell phone from a pre-teen isn't going to endear me to them.
me: Who has the phone?
Whole Class: What?
me: The phone that's ringing...who has the cell phone?
Some Kids: NO! It's the phone on the wall. Someone's calling you!
me: First, announcements on the T.V. and now, a phone in the room! What an advanced school--and what a boob of a sub!!! "Um, hello? Mrs. Sick Teacher's room........"
I hang up from having a quick chat with Sweet Office Ladies, who are just calling to check on me and make sure my plans for the rest of the day are sufficient (i.e. the kids are not unattended, I've not left the building and fallen into a diabetic coma--which is rare when you don't have diabetes--and every one is where they are supposed to be).
I turn around, and wouldn't ya know it...after assuring Sweet Office Ladies that we are right on track and every one is "where they are supposed to be," Stealthy Susie isn't in her seat!!! Nor is she in the room!
me: Where is Stealthy Susie?
Three Student: She probably went to the 5th grade hallway to talk to her friends. She does that sometimes.
me: WHAT???!!! Go get her and tell her PrissE said, "Get back to the classroom and do it now!"
Three Student leaves and I take this brief breather to check the clock.........2:15!!!!!!! I still have an hour to go!!!!!!!!!!!! You might say to yourself at this point, 'surely she can make it through one more hour without severely screwing up.....right?' Well........actually, I did. WHEW! The last hour of the day was not without bumps, mind you. But, Stealthy Susie didn't leave the room again, the T.V. and announcements weren't an issue, and we were exactly where we needed to be, altogether, with no phones ringing. All I had to do now was convince the kids that tomorrow would be better and I would NOT forget the lunch/recess incident of September 23rd! For the remainder of that hour, however, they made sure that I'd written notes on the plans for Thursday and Friday (that I am to go get them and give them their whole recess time), and they CHECKED where I'd written said notes, as if they didn't believe me!
At 3:00, Mrs. Principal walks in and checks to make sure I'm good, that the kids are good, and that I was still up for coming back on Thursday and Friday. Wonder why she thought she needed to check on us....oh, wait. Nevermind.
And, by the way, Thursday and Friday? Well, they're two whole new days with their own stories.........subbing is NOT for the faint of heart!
Knowing that little tid-bit, you'd think that substitute teaching would be a total breeze for me, right? AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! NOT!!!!
[ring, ring, ring] me: Hello?
principal: PrissE, this is Mrs. Principal from Large School. How are you?
me: I'm great, and you?
principal: I'm wonderful. Listen, could you sub tomorrow, Thursday and Friday for one of our 4th grade teachers? She's got the flu and will have to be gone for the rest of the week.
me: [near fatal mistake] SURE! I'd love to! See you tomorrow morning!
Tomorrow Morning:
7:30 my two children and I arrive, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for school--this is just like what I've done for, well yes, 14 years! No problems right?
I sit down and study the lesson plans and schedule for the day. We have class for one hour, then the kids go to "specials" while I have conference time. They come back to me, we have two and a half hours of class, then on to lunch and recess---and here's where the day begins to go terribly wrong...at the 8:00 bell!
First and foremost, I have taught in two types of school districts...large and small. However, most of my experience has been in the latter. While technology has not completely skipped Small District, it certainly isn't ahead of itself. For instance, did you know that, at Large School, announcements now come through the TV! That's right, THE T.V.!
One student said: It's 8:10! The announcements are on!
me: Why can we hear them in the hall but not the room? (I'm thinking, poor school. They can't get their P.A. system to work either!)
One Student: NO! You have to turn on the T.V.!
me: huh??!! Oh, okay (click, and we have announcements).......Um, did one of our students just walk out the door?
Now, here's yet another issue to which I'm not accustomed being from Small School. Apparently kids here can come and go as they please...I mean, why else would Stealthy Susie just walk out of the room without telling the stupid sub who doesn't even know to turn on the T.V. for announcements!?
Two Student: Oh. She probably went to the library. She had her book and folder with her.
me: oh. Is that okay?
Two Student: She does it all the time.
Well, that sounds like permission to me. Onward we go. Stealthy Susie returns and we near 9:00 AM, get our things put away for specials, and head out the door. Ahhh. Now I can pour over the plans for the rest of the day and be ready to really move through the lessons.
10:00 Snack/Read aloud to class
10:20 Reading/Reading Activities
11:15 Math
12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess
Allow me to pause here. On the teacher's plans, at this point--and PLEASE keep in mind that she wrote these plans with an extremely high fever and the thought that she was writing them for a seasoned-veteran-capable teacher--the plans actually JUST say 12:30-1:15 Lunch/Recess followed by about an inch and a half of white space. Now, I'm thinking how nice it is that the teachers have a thirty minute lunch PLUS fifteen more minutes of time to come back to the class and settle in before having to pick up the students................
At 1:15, quite proudly I might add, I am waiting at the door to the playground for my class to eagerly run to me, ready to put back on those "thinking caps" and plow through the rest of the day...except, I don't really see any of my class on the playground. Hmmm. May be I just don't recognize them....Oh, wait. I hear them hollering at me. FROM BEHIND in the hallway???
me: What are y'all doing in the hallway?
Whole Class: Where have you been!? You were supposed to come get us at 1:00 from the cafeteria and take us to recess!!! We missed our whole recess and the office has been paging you overhead!!! You gotta go to the office!
me: huh?! Be right back.
Sweet Office Ladies: Are you alright?! We couldn't find you and your class was left in the cafeteria. We thought may be you left the campus and had a wreck or fell into a diabetic coma somewhere!! (Um, prone to hyperbole, much??) We were so afraid something bad had happened to you!
me: OMG!
So, I explain the whole lesson plan misunderstanding, we all laugh, I go back to the kids, explain the lesson plan misunderstanding to them, take them back to class (without having a full recess time) and they are NOT amused!!!
After we return to class and are in full swing of our writing activities, a phone rings. Now, I know enough to know that students are not allowed to have cell phones in class and I'm bummed because I'm already on their bad-list. Taking a cell phone from a pre-teen isn't going to endear me to them.
me: Who has the phone?
Whole Class: What?
me: The phone that's ringing...who has the cell phone?
Some Kids: NO! It's the phone on the wall. Someone's calling you!
me: First, announcements on the T.V. and now, a phone in the room! What an advanced school--and what a boob of a sub!!! "Um, hello? Mrs. Sick Teacher's room........"
I hang up from having a quick chat with Sweet Office Ladies, who are just calling to check on me and make sure my plans for the rest of the day are sufficient (i.e. the kids are not unattended, I've not left the building and fallen into a diabetic coma--which is rare when you don't have diabetes--and every one is where they are supposed to be).
I turn around, and wouldn't ya know it...after assuring Sweet Office Ladies that we are right on track and every one is "where they are supposed to be," Stealthy Susie isn't in her seat!!! Nor is she in the room!
me: Where is Stealthy Susie?
Three Student: She probably went to the 5th grade hallway to talk to her friends. She does that sometimes.
me: WHAT???!!! Go get her and tell her PrissE said, "Get back to the classroom and do it now!"
Three Student leaves and I take this brief breather to check the clock.........2:15!!!!!!! I still have an hour to go!!!!!!!!!!!! You might say to yourself at this point, 'surely she can make it through one more hour without severely screwing up.....right?' Well........actually, I did. WHEW! The last hour of the day was not without bumps, mind you. But, Stealthy Susie didn't leave the room again, the T.V. and announcements weren't an issue, and we were exactly where we needed to be, altogether, with no phones ringing. All I had to do now was convince the kids that tomorrow would be better and I would NOT forget the lunch/recess incident of September 23rd! For the remainder of that hour, however, they made sure that I'd written notes on the plans for Thursday and Friday (that I am to go get them and give them their whole recess time), and they CHECKED where I'd written said notes, as if they didn't believe me!
At 3:00, Mrs. Principal walks in and checks to make sure I'm good, that the kids are good, and that I was still up for coming back on Thursday and Friday. Wonder why she thought she needed to check on us....oh, wait. Nevermind.
And, by the way, Thursday and Friday? Well, they're two whole new days with their own stories.........subbing is NOT for the faint of heart!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Drama Diva: "Don't Sit by Me at the Football Game!!"
(Always remember, Drama Dive isn't real, she's a fictitious story, mostly in my head.... therefore; how could this story possibly be about YOU.)
Whew! One week of daily exfoliating done just in time for this windy football game. Naturally, my outfit is superb.
Team colors, check.
Rhinestone necklace and matching flip flops, check.
Two weights of jackets, check. I'm ready!!
Sure, flip flops might be a bit cool for the game, but this pedicure can't be hidden. That would be a crime.
Here I sit, just bringing exceeding measures of joy to every passerby. But, what's this? No takers to share my witty football comments? RATS!! My recent incarceration must be on the rumor mill.
This town has a rumor mill that could employ 100 people year round for their entire lives. Those employees must work a ton of overtime to keep it churning this long. Too bad the recession doesn't shut stupid people's mouths.
Great..... Lady Talks-a-lot and her husband, Spitty Laugher just sat down behind me. Geez.... I hope they brought all their sneezy children. OK, remain calm.... there's still plenty of room in front of me and beside me, maybe the evening won't be a total loss.
Wait, Spitty Laugher has the whole extended Spitty family with him. I wonder if the umbrella is in the car?
Look away, act busy, cell phone please ring.... please ring... please don't let Her Majesty, Queen of Lies see me..... wait, too late, she sees me. Here she comes. CRAP!! Here comes an empty conversation.
Fake smile, check. Hold on, here we go.
Her Majesty proclaims, "Hello!!! My gosh, how are you? Let me tell you an obnoxious lie about my oldest child. Yes, he's a mean bastard, but he's the smartest person in the universe and he allows peasants to serve him. The patience of this saint is beyond me...." and, then I blacked out from boredom for approximately 10 minutes, until Her Majesty walked away. (Alright, it's possible I'm paraphrasing.)
Whew! Game finally begins.
Great Game!! Super fun! Luckily for me, only my cute model husband and my own delightful children are close by. NOW, I can be appreciated for my full value. Sure!! Let's share some popcorn!
My family is the best! We are so pleasant others admire us from afar. We are being gazed at by others. Let the rumor mill churn on that for awhile. Hear that people? Gaze at me from afar, go ahead.... admire my life!
Better yet, DON'T.
Whew! One week of daily exfoliating done just in time for this windy football game. Naturally, my outfit is superb.
Team colors, check.
Rhinestone necklace and matching flip flops, check.
Two weights of jackets, check. I'm ready!!
Sure, flip flops might be a bit cool for the game, but this pedicure can't be hidden. That would be a crime.
Here I sit, just bringing exceeding measures of joy to every passerby. But, what's this? No takers to share my witty football comments? RATS!! My recent incarceration must be on the rumor mill.
This town has a rumor mill that could employ 100 people year round for their entire lives. Those employees must work a ton of overtime to keep it churning this long. Too bad the recession doesn't shut stupid people's mouths.
Great..... Lady Talks-a-lot and her husband, Spitty Laugher just sat down behind me. Geez.... I hope they brought all their sneezy children. OK, remain calm.... there's still plenty of room in front of me and beside me, maybe the evening won't be a total loss.
Wait, Spitty Laugher has the whole extended Spitty family with him. I wonder if the umbrella is in the car?
Look away, act busy, cell phone please ring.... please ring... please don't let Her Majesty, Queen of Lies see me..... wait, too late, she sees me. Here she comes. CRAP!! Here comes an empty conversation.
Fake smile, check. Hold on, here we go.
Her Majesty proclaims, "Hello!!! My gosh, how are you? Let me tell you an obnoxious lie about my oldest child. Yes, he's a mean bastard, but he's the smartest person in the universe and he allows peasants to serve him. The patience of this saint is beyond me...." and, then I blacked out from boredom for approximately 10 minutes, until Her Majesty walked away. (Alright, it's possible I'm paraphrasing.)
Whew! Game finally begins.
Great Game!! Super fun! Luckily for me, only my cute model husband and my own delightful children are close by. NOW, I can be appreciated for my full value. Sure!! Let's share some popcorn!
My family is the best! We are so pleasant others admire us from afar. We are being gazed at by others. Let the rumor mill churn on that for awhile. Hear that people? Gaze at me from afar, go ahead.... admire my life!
Better yet, DON'T.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Adventures in Substitute Teaching
I'm not sure how this happened. I am a substitute teacher. I'll take almost any assignment (3rd grade and up). Recently, I've done a lot of work in Junior and Senior High School. The teenagers don't scare me, I guess that makes me perfect substitute teacher material.
My last assignment was a short one, and was completely uneventful with one exception. After giving out the assignment left by the teacher, I was answering odd questions: 'Can I go to my locker?', 'Can I go to the bathroom?', 'Do we write in pen?'..... Various other things that all the precious teenagers already knew the answers to. It's my delight to make up absurd answers to these questions. Really, it's one of the highlights to the substitute teacher's day. 'I have the power over your bathroom visits, don't trifle with me.'
Then, out of the corner of my ear, I hear, 'Can I go to the special ed room, I'm a retard.' (Asked in the most horrible teenage boy whisper voice you can imagine, followed by laughter.)
At that moment, I forgot who I was, and why I was there. I completely jumped out of my human skin, and transformed into Demon Teacher, feared by all. I looked that boy in the face, my eyes as big as baseballs, and said to him in the quietest voice imaginable, 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?'
He immediately knew the line was crossed. He went into full-on apology mode. I heard none of it. I simply pointed at him, and motioned for him to join me in the hallway. There, I monologued to him about his fatal mistake, whilst I imagined in my 'perfect world' a vision of me strangling him with my bare hands, hanging his lifeless body from the flag pole with a sign on him that read, 'I made fun of innocent people, I don't understand human decency and I paid the ultimate price.'
He was delirious with a series of 'yes, mam's' and 'I'm sorry Mam' and 'please don't tell my mother.' I wanted to scream at him from the top of my voice, 'words hurt... you are a bully... don't poison society with your negatives... do you know what prison inmates do with pretty little boys like you?' My mind flashed to horrible tortures. My heart raced. My blood pressure went sky high!!!
Then, a moment of tranquility entered my airspace, and I was hit with a moment of pure inspiration. I simply drew an imaginary circle on the wall in the hallway about 2 inches too high. Then, I said to him, in an extremely calm voice, 'Put your nose in this imaginary circle, and don't utter one sound. You're going to stand in this hallway, with your nose on the wall and consider the life choices you have made today. If I were you, I'd concentrate on the specific words you used to land you in this hallway, with your nose on the wall.'
He did it. He stood there, silently, while I returned to my skin and planet Earth. Then, I said to him, 'Do you understand? Do you understand that you cannot ridicule people? Especially in situations that you can't possibly understand? Do you understand the importance of respect?'
He had a blank, almost confused look on his face. I continued,'I need you to understand respect, I need you to know that although I am horrified by what you said, I respect you enough to teach you this lesson. I also respect you enough to dismiss you from this hallway before the high school boys and your football coach walk by to see this. I respect you enough to save you from that embarrassment. Even though you insulted your classmates, yourself, and me today, I still respect you. Can you try and understand?'
He looked down, and then... he had his moment....he looked me in the eye and said, 'I will try.'
My last assignment was a short one, and was completely uneventful with one exception. After giving out the assignment left by the teacher, I was answering odd questions: 'Can I go to my locker?', 'Can I go to the bathroom?', 'Do we write in pen?'..... Various other things that all the precious teenagers already knew the answers to. It's my delight to make up absurd answers to these questions. Really, it's one of the highlights to the substitute teacher's day. 'I have the power over your bathroom visits, don't trifle with me.'
Then, out of the corner of my ear, I hear, 'Can I go to the special ed room, I'm a retard.' (Asked in the most horrible teenage boy whisper voice you can imagine, followed by laughter.)
At that moment, I forgot who I was, and why I was there. I completely jumped out of my human skin, and transformed into Demon Teacher, feared by all. I looked that boy in the face, my eyes as big as baseballs, and said to him in the quietest voice imaginable, 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?'
He immediately knew the line was crossed. He went into full-on apology mode. I heard none of it. I simply pointed at him, and motioned for him to join me in the hallway. There, I monologued to him about his fatal mistake, whilst I imagined in my 'perfect world' a vision of me strangling him with my bare hands, hanging his lifeless body from the flag pole with a sign on him that read, 'I made fun of innocent people, I don't understand human decency and I paid the ultimate price.'
He was delirious with a series of 'yes, mam's' and 'I'm sorry Mam' and 'please don't tell my mother.' I wanted to scream at him from the top of my voice, 'words hurt... you are a bully... don't poison society with your negatives... do you know what prison inmates do with pretty little boys like you?' My mind flashed to horrible tortures. My heart raced. My blood pressure went sky high!!!
Then, a moment of tranquility entered my airspace, and I was hit with a moment of pure inspiration. I simply drew an imaginary circle on the wall in the hallway about 2 inches too high. Then, I said to him, in an extremely calm voice, 'Put your nose in this imaginary circle, and don't utter one sound. You're going to stand in this hallway, with your nose on the wall and consider the life choices you have made today. If I were you, I'd concentrate on the specific words you used to land you in this hallway, with your nose on the wall.'
He did it. He stood there, silently, while I returned to my skin and planet Earth. Then, I said to him, 'Do you understand? Do you understand that you cannot ridicule people? Especially in situations that you can't possibly understand? Do you understand the importance of respect?'
He had a blank, almost confused look on his face. I continued,'I need you to understand respect, I need you to know that although I am horrified by what you said, I respect you enough to teach you this lesson. I also respect you enough to dismiss you from this hallway before the high school boys and your football coach walk by to see this. I respect you enough to save you from that embarrassment. Even though you insulted your classmates, yourself, and me today, I still respect you. Can you try and understand?'
He looked down, and then... he had his moment....he looked me in the eye and said, 'I will try.'
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Seventh Level of Hell (A.K.A. Kindergarten Field Trip)
Friends, get your favorite snack, your most cozy blanket and settle in for a long tale of woes and horrors like none other. For I have traversed the portals of time, I have left human dimensions...and I have entered...The Seventh Level of Hell! Also known as the Kindergarten Field Trip!
"Little, get up! It's field trip day!"
Bad Sign #1: "I know, Mommy. I just want to sleep some more." SSSCCCRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!! This should have been a warning sign...you know, the Mack Truck that collides head-on with me. Did I heed the warning? No. From this point on, I deserve what I get!
Bad Sign #2: Little's class was the "green group" today. Every one in the group, including un-medicated, freakishly involved parents such as I. Not a problem, right? After all, I did teach for 11 years in a school district whose colors were black, white, and GREEN! I should have PlENTY of green shirts to wear! But.......oh, yeah. Since I quit teaching there over a year ago, I've given all of my green away to those who still live/attend school there. Hmmmm. Ah! Here's a green shirt! And, it has long sleeves--bonus! It's only supposed to get up to 71 degrees. Long sleeves should work nicely for our morning outdoors.
Bad Sign #3: Said shirt DOES NOT FIT!!! Now, this is actually a good thing. It doesn't fit because it's too big--YAY! (I have been working on this issue as you can read in my blog series "Fat Free") No green shirt to wear, no time to run to the nearest beacon of hope--Walmart--what's a girl to do? Wear a white shirt and write the word green on it? Nah. Wear a shirt that has green in the pattern, but isn't solid green? SCORE!
All of the above occurred BEFORE 7:08! What is it they say in baseball? 3 Strikes and you're out! Perhaps I should have paid stricter attention to the signs....but, it was only 7:08 and I had not yet had my self-prescribed amount of caffeine. Hence, we motor forward!
In case you'd like to know where the portal to the 7th Level of Hell is located, I can tell you: The corner of FM 179 and Donald Preston Drive! It's opening time, 8:01 AM. The magic words that must be shouted at the tops of your children's and your lungs are, "MOM!! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE FIELD TRIP! MOM! I'M GONNA BE LATE!!!" "I CAN'T GO!! THERE IS A CAR IN FRONT OF ME AND IT ISN'T TURNING!" P.S. If you're in the school zone, and you're in the right lane, and you are NOT turning right, and it's 8:01 AM on field trip morning, TURN RIGHT ANYWAY AND SAVE YOUR LIFE--and the lives of 2 small children! Or, don't get into the right lane to go straight when you only have 10 feet of lane left beyond the light!!
Finally! We arrive at school and the teacher conducts about an hour of class....RePRiEVe for me! "Oh, and parents, I'd like to remind you all that you are welcome to follow us to the Maze but no parent will be able to ride the bus. Our buses will be filled to capacity with students and teachers." Really??? AAWWWWW!!! And I was looking SO forward to spending a joyful, noise-filled, 'Sit Down and Quit Yelling' ride with 100+ 5 year olds! NOT!!!!! We load the children and teachers onto the bus, the parents into their cars and OFF we go!
At this point, I should mention that the field trip is to the local Corn Maze...that's right. We are taking 5 classes of 5 year olds to a maze cut into a field of corn. Can you visualize this? The corn stalks taller than the 6-ft. adult men who work there, and we are going to drag about 110 five year old children through this thing with nothing but some parents, five teachers, and a list of questions that we have to answer in order to receive the right direction to turn to find our way out of this maze!
Arrival! As I exit the safety of my vehicle, I can hear the screams--of delight, I must say--from the bus and the bus is gently rocking back and forth, so I know the kids are jumping up and down, too! Heaven help us! As the teacher comes off of the bus and gathers all of my daughter's classmates around her, I hear her give a set of instructions that make me think, "Uh, I didn't agree to this! I never signed anything and I could totally sue for this!" She says, "Children, if your parent is here, go stand beside them and take one or two partners with you who don't have a parent here. Parents, this will be the group you guide through the maze. Every one partnered up? Great! Let's go!" WHAT?!
Here's my pair...TELL me they don't look VIcIouS!
Into the bowels of Hell we go! We have our list of questions and our instructions from the Maze/Hell owners: 1. Don't pick corn off of the stalks. 2. Don't pick anything up off of the ground. 3. Don't run. 4. Don't cut through the corn...stay on the paths. Are you KIDDING me? Which one of these is NOT encoded on a 5 year olds DNA???? NONE!
20 minutes, 5 questions and 3 wrong turns later, and much to my surprise and relief, we emerge from intestinal tract of Hell! We did it...more specifically, I did it! I got through the maze with the same two children I took in! I didn't lose anyone and I didn't mame anyone! We're out! And, it's lunch time--what rewards! We eat, we laugh, we visit, we enjoy the children and the other parents who, like me, still have that 'deer in the headlights' look but with a hint of 'okay, i am tough and i can conquer the world' smeared across their faces.
After we eat, I think, "This wasn't so bad. I could do this again." Then, the dreaded words that I've been praying not to hear are spoken in an angel's voice, "Parents, children, it's time for the hayride and pumpkin picking! Are you ready?" NOOOOOOO!!!! Alas, we board the hay-laden trailer bound for the pumpkin patch. As we ride, with dirt being thrown up into our faces because my spawn and her fiendish partner thought it would be great fun to sit right behind the tractor tires, we're given a lesson on pumpkins and subsequent instructions for when we get to the patch to pick our own....WHAT? You're letting the kids OFF of the trailer to run rampant into a vast field of pumpkins to choose their own????? Do you KNoW how long this will take!? Have you ever shopped with my Little??? We'll be here ALL DAY! In the back of my mind, I'm hearing the kind and loving voice of a dear friend of mine who is the world's authority on safety--she's like degreed and endorsed and certified and everything--"Oh. This isn't safe. Allowing children to exit a hayride without at least one adult per child to run around an open field next to a highway isn't safe. I think we should all stay on the ride, allow the nice tractor-driver-man to cut 100+ pumpkins and hall them to your bus for your teachers to pass out at school. Yes. Let's do that." And, yet...here we are...
Praise the Lord, the words we've waited to hear all morning: "Parents, children, we have time to take one more picture before we get back on the bus. Let's all go to the windmill and have our whole class in the picture before we leave."
At 12:42 PM, the bowels of Hell opened up and I was ever so gratefully spat out, war-torn, dirt-coated, and exhausted. But...I survived!
"Little, get up! It's field trip day!"
Bad Sign #1: "I know, Mommy. I just want to sleep some more." SSSCCCRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!! This should have been a warning sign...you know, the Mack Truck that collides head-on with me. Did I heed the warning? No. From this point on, I deserve what I get!
Bad Sign #2: Little's class was the "green group" today. Every one in the group, including un-medicated, freakishly involved parents such as I. Not a problem, right? After all, I did teach for 11 years in a school district whose colors were black, white, and GREEN! I should have PlENTY of green shirts to wear! But.......oh, yeah. Since I quit teaching there over a year ago, I've given all of my green away to those who still live/attend school there. Hmmmm. Ah! Here's a green shirt! And, it has long sleeves--bonus! It's only supposed to get up to 71 degrees. Long sleeves should work nicely for our morning outdoors.
Bad Sign #3: Said shirt DOES NOT FIT!!! Now, this is actually a good thing. It doesn't fit because it's too big--YAY! (I have been working on this issue as you can read in my blog series "Fat Free") No green shirt to wear, no time to run to the nearest beacon of hope--Walmart--what's a girl to do? Wear a white shirt and write the word green on it? Nah. Wear a shirt that has green in the pattern, but isn't solid green? SCORE!
All of the above occurred BEFORE 7:08! What is it they say in baseball? 3 Strikes and you're out! Perhaps I should have paid stricter attention to the signs....but, it was only 7:08 and I had not yet had my self-prescribed amount of caffeine. Hence, we motor forward!
In case you'd like to know where the portal to the 7th Level of Hell is located, I can tell you: The corner of FM 179 and Donald Preston Drive! It's opening time, 8:01 AM. The magic words that must be shouted at the tops of your children's and your lungs are, "MOM!! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE FIELD TRIP! MOM! I'M GONNA BE LATE!!!" "I CAN'T GO!! THERE IS A CAR IN FRONT OF ME AND IT ISN'T TURNING!" P.S. If you're in the school zone, and you're in the right lane, and you are NOT turning right, and it's 8:01 AM on field trip morning, TURN RIGHT ANYWAY AND SAVE YOUR LIFE--and the lives of 2 small children! Or, don't get into the right lane to go straight when you only have 10 feet of lane left beyond the light!!
Finally! We arrive at school and the teacher conducts about an hour of class....RePRiEVe for me! "Oh, and parents, I'd like to remind you all that you are welcome to follow us to the Maze but no parent will be able to ride the bus. Our buses will be filled to capacity with students and teachers." Really??? AAWWWWW!!! And I was looking SO forward to spending a joyful, noise-filled, 'Sit Down and Quit Yelling' ride with 100+ 5 year olds! NOT!!!!! We load the children and teachers onto the bus, the parents into their cars and OFF we go!
At this point, I should mention that the field trip is to the local Corn Maze...that's right. We are taking 5 classes of 5 year olds to a maze cut into a field of corn. Can you visualize this? The corn stalks taller than the 6-ft. adult men who work there, and we are going to drag about 110 five year old children through this thing with nothing but some parents, five teachers, and a list of questions that we have to answer in order to receive the right direction to turn to find our way out of this maze!
Arrival! As I exit the safety of my vehicle, I can hear the screams--of delight, I must say--from the bus and the bus is gently rocking back and forth, so I know the kids are jumping up and down, too! Heaven help us! As the teacher comes off of the bus and gathers all of my daughter's classmates around her, I hear her give a set of instructions that make me think, "Uh, I didn't agree to this! I never signed anything and I could totally sue for this!" She says, "Children, if your parent is here, go stand beside them and take one or two partners with you who don't have a parent here. Parents, this will be the group you guide through the maze. Every one partnered up? Great! Let's go!" WHAT?!
Here's my pair...TELL me they don't look VIcIouS!
Into the bowels of Hell we go! We have our list of questions and our instructions from the Maze/Hell owners: 1. Don't pick corn off of the stalks. 2. Don't pick anything up off of the ground. 3. Don't run. 4. Don't cut through the corn...stay on the paths. Are you KIDDING me? Which one of these is NOT encoded on a 5 year olds DNA???? NONE!
Pumpkins in hand, back to the safety of the 'courtyard,' all children accounted for, all parents accounted for but somewhat ragged and worn, it's time for the CowTrain and Pumpkin Pictures...A.K.A. the places where parents can stand and breathe for a moment.
Praise the Lord, the words we've waited to hear all morning: "Parents, children, we have time to take one more picture before we get back on the bus. Let's all go to the windmill and have our whole class in the picture before we leave."
At 12:42 PM, the bowels of Hell opened up and I was ever so gratefully spat out, war-torn, dirt-coated, and exhausted. But...I survived!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Drama Diva: "Let me solve your problem...."
Silly, fictitious story about a woman living mostly in her own head.
OH NO!..... How did I get here? Solitary confinement isn't good for my pours! I'll have to exfoliate for a week to recover from this! Pitiful PollE warned me, she said more than once.... don't pick a side, don't state your case... remain neutral, keep everyone happy. I can never listen!
Really? These things happen a lot.... I can't help it.... I'm right so often, it's a sin to keep my opinion to myself. I'm only helping the world by sharing. DON'T INSULT ME by asking me to remain silent! Then, you'll want to complain to me later. Seriously. If I have to listen to you complain about a problem I've solved for you, one more time, I might not feel so comfortable in the middle of your business! What if I choose to stomp around until you're purple from head to toe!! OR, I could just work anonymously, behind your back making decisions for you.
Certainly, purple isn't a good skin tone, and will clash horribly with your current accessories. Who wears one earring and one bracelet? That's just wrong on so many levels. If you choose to accessorize randomly and irresponsibly, I may have to leave early.
You want to kick me out? FINE!! I'll take this solitary confinement anytime. Let's see if your long arm can reach in here.
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Now, imagine me huffing off.... you know, as if I would stomp with these shoes on.
OH NO!..... How did I get here? Solitary confinement isn't good for my pours! I'll have to exfoliate for a week to recover from this! Pitiful PollE warned me, she said more than once.... don't pick a side, don't state your case... remain neutral, keep everyone happy. I can never listen!
Really? These things happen a lot.... I can't help it.... I'm right so often, it's a sin to keep my opinion to myself. I'm only helping the world by sharing. DON'T INSULT ME by asking me to remain silent! Then, you'll want to complain to me later. Seriously. If I have to listen to you complain about a problem I've solved for you, one more time, I might not feel so comfortable in the middle of your business! What if I choose to stomp around until you're purple from head to toe!! OR, I could just work anonymously, behind your back making decisions for you.
Certainly, purple isn't a good skin tone, and will clash horribly with your current accessories. Who wears one earring and one bracelet? That's just wrong on so many levels. If you choose to accessorize randomly and irresponsibly, I may have to leave early.
You want to kick me out? FINE!! I'll take this solitary confinement anytime. Let's see if your long arm can reach in here.
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Now, imagine me huffing off.... you know, as if I would stomp with these shoes on.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Why is it.....?
Why is it that whenever I search for "free clipart" and then sub-search for "two women talking," I don't find ANY clipart of two women talking, but I can find clipart of "narcotics problems???"
Why is it that when a 6 year old boy accidentally launches himself into the sky via his parents' helium weather balloon and is later found hiding in a box in the attic, instead of in said balloon, he is "Debriefed" by authorities.......BUT.......when a suspected terrorist who has been in contact with a top al Quaida official, supposedly way underground, he's "Questioned" by police?????
Why is it that when my children can and do watch TV, there's always a Cialis commercial on....BUT....after they've gone to be and we're watching the "grown-up" dramas, there are commercials with kids in them advertising Pop-Tarts...and Cialis is nowhere to be found????
Today was a day of shopping for me and something occurred to me: Why is it that we say "bra" in a singular term, yet we say "panties" in plural terms????
Speaking of my shopping day: Why is that it's almost the end of October and all of the fall clothing in my fave Target is SLEEVELESS!!!???? My tan has faded, therefore my fat arms, which once looked almost like lusciously browned hams, now look like the fatty white underbelly of a pig--and you expect me to poke them through sleeveless tops and think I look smoking hot????!!!!
Why is it that since the state of Texas enacted the new law that it is illegal to utilize cellular phones, unless in use via a hands-free system, in school zones, you now see more school district police and city police in their cells while driving through school zones.....yet the parents are two-hands-white-knuckling-it and moving on out of the zones??
Why is it that even when I just THINK of going to have my car washed, fog rolls in--or it rains!--while I drive toward the general vicinity of the car washing place???? And, I promise...when I dropped the kids at school and decided to get my car washed, it was bright and sunny outside.....but.....as I drove toward the car wash, an eerie veil of fog rolled over me!
Finally, in looking for my new car wash place and being uncertain of exactly where it is: Why is that when I'm looking for a new place or reading directions to a new place while I'm driving, I turn down the radio??????????
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Things to which I AM opposed!
No small talk or chit chat necessary. Listen up!
1. The use of incorrect grammar in a public place! If you're going to misuse the tense of a verb, PLEASE, for the Love of Pete, do it in the privacy of your own mind!!!
2. Leaving an entire car length between you and the vehicle in front of you--ESPECIALLY if your car length is that of a BUS!--in the drive through lanes...especially at Starbucks! Obviously, I haven't had my necessary amount of caffeine to render me civil at this point, SO PULL UP!!!!!! I can get out of my car and come tap on your window! Do you REALLY want that?
3. The resurgence of the once ultra-fashionable-now-we-know-better hideous ROMPER! FYI--Sales Ladies at Lane Bryant, telling me how cute I look in aforementioned romper, or directing me to yet ANOTHER romper in a different print/fabric, does NOT endear you to me nor motivate me to further purchase your wrong-in-so-many-ways couture!
4. The exploitation of Tsunami waves to steal/rob/commit a bank heist! Tsunamis have rights! Thank you CSI Miami for bringing this delicate yet troublesome issue to the forefront of our television-saturated minds!
5. Kindergartners without shock collars.
6. Being told, "You are OVERqualified." If I'm SO qualified, wouldn't you WANT me on your team???? Or, are you holding out for that "sort of" qualified, mediocre, do the bare minimum potential employee? You are? Oh. When your business files for Chapter 11, revisit this conversation and see if you can figure out where things went awry!
7. My 5 year old asking, seriously, if SHE can be MY weight-loss coach! Please refer to #5 on this list and anticipate a chapter dedicated to the 'encouragement, motivation, and advice' given me by said 5 year old in my blog series titled, "Fat Free!"
8. Being mistaken for an Ulta employee. Just because I can ROCK a black smock--while sitting in the salon, DUH!--does NOT an Ulta employee make me! P.S. You don't NEED more straightener...you need SERIOUS iron guard! Or a baler!
1. The use of incorrect grammar in a public place! If you're going to misuse the tense of a verb, PLEASE, for the Love of Pete, do it in the privacy of your own mind!!!
2. Leaving an entire car length between you and the vehicle in front of you--ESPECIALLY if your car length is that of a BUS!--in the drive through lanes...especially at Starbucks! Obviously, I haven't had my necessary amount of caffeine to render me civil at this point, SO PULL UP!!!!!! I can get out of my car and come tap on your window! Do you REALLY want that?
4. The exploitation of Tsunami waves to steal/rob/commit a bank heist! Tsunamis have rights! Thank you CSI Miami for bringing this delicate yet troublesome issue to the forefront of our television-saturated minds!
5. Kindergartners without shock collars.
6. Being told, "You are OVERqualified." If I'm SO qualified, wouldn't you WANT me on your team???? Or, are you holding out for that "sort of" qualified, mediocre, do the bare minimum potential employee? You are? Oh. When your business files for Chapter 11, revisit this conversation and see if you can figure out where things went awry!
7. My 5 year old asking, seriously, if SHE can be MY weight-loss coach! Please refer to #5 on this list and anticipate a chapter dedicated to the 'encouragement, motivation, and advice' given me by said 5 year old in my blog series titled, "Fat Free!"
8. Being mistaken for an Ulta employee. Just because I can ROCK a black smock--while sitting in the salon, DUH!--does NOT an Ulta employee make me! P.S. You don't NEED more straightener...you need SERIOUS iron guard! Or a baler!
Friday, October 16, 2009
How Do Friends Find You?
This is my friend. She found me about 7 years ago. I was lost. If you are lost, when a friend finds you, sometimes you don't know it at first.
We are 'work' friends. Someday, I might tell you more about my 'job', but for now, all you need to know is my job is my passion, and we share this passion. Makes for a nice work environment.
We travel several times a year together. During those times, we talk NON-STOP for the entire time. People around us have either learned to deal with it, or they have disappeared. They make the choice. (Those of you that have stuck around, I love you!)
My friend is bossy. She likes us to have a schedule for the entire time we're gone. Not an 'idea' of what we'll do, but a schedule for every minute. I love that about her! It keeps us busy, and points us in the direction of our next adventure. We find adventures, all the time!
One day, I realized I wasn't lost anymore. It wasn't a grand revelation, just a fact.
See? There we are.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Things to which I am NOT opposed...
The following is a list of random situations that, as I go through my 'day-to-day,' I just happened to notice...I imagine that you, too, often find yourself saying, "You know, I'm not opposed to............."
I am NOT opposed to:
1. Busting out in a serenade of love in the middle of the grocery store when I discover that they now, after 12 years of begging, carry my FAVE brand of deodorant! P.S. Every one in my carpool is singing a new song as well!
2. Appropriate and properly implemented customer service skills...i.e. If you'd like to give me a lesson on 'how to correctly order my favorite coffee drink' that I've been ordering for 5+ years, THEN DON'T GIVE ME THE WRONG DRINK WHEN I JUST ORDERED IT FLAWLESSLY USING MY NEWLY ACQUIRED 'CORRECT ORDERING' SKILLS VIA YOUR INSTRUCTION!!
3. Dollar stores that DON'T smell like a dollar bill that's been wadded up an stuffed in the back pocket of the Feed Lot manager's waders for a month! You sell Febreeze! Use it!
4. Shock collars equipped with the in-ground sensors for kindergarten. If you've ever volunteered/worked in/subbed in/or have one, you know what I'm talking about!
5. Being forced to slam on my brakes because you've decided to move into my lane (A.K.A CUT ME OFF!) a little too closely to the front end of my car so that you could make a right hand turn into the parking lot of Rosa's Tortilla Factory...ONLY to decide at the absolute last possible moment that you don't want to turn into aforementioned parking lot! It's Rosa's!! It's the ONLY thing in the middle of the blooming field! You couldn't decide PRIOR to running me off the road that you actually DON'T want a bean-n-cheese burrito with a side of queso and chips and an order of 1 dozen tortillas to take home???? By the way, I have your plate number, AND I know the make and model of your vehicle...AND I'M OFF MY ROAD RAGE MEDS!!!
6. Telling a policeman--through the rolled up window of my moving car--"NO! I will NOT drive through the RED light, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOG, just because you're waving me through an intersection where traffic coming perpendicular to me has a GREEN light!" Did I mention that this was IN THE FOG!???
7. New traffic lights that function properly and safely. Yes, I'm talking to you TXDOT...if you install a traffic light and leave it as a blinking intersection light for a random number of months, then suddenly decide to activate the light--at random times of day--it might behoove you to inform the public! Especially since this light affects a major roadway and Starbucks! Have you tried to pull out of Starbucks during morning rush when you have no idea what to expect from said light?!
8. Writing letters to my government officials--whether local, state or federal--in order to inform them of my decisions involving the governing of our society. I also write letters to businesses that my input may benefit (hence the current in-progress development of the series "Don't Patronize Me").
.....It seems as though at least half of my UNopposed issues deal with traffic/vehicular situations...perhaps a letter to TXDOT is in order.
I am NOT opposed to:
1. Busting out in a serenade of love in the middle of the grocery store when I discover that they now, after 12 years of begging, carry my FAVE brand of deodorant! P.S. Every one in my carpool is singing a new song as well!
2. Appropriate and properly implemented customer service skills...i.e. If you'd like to give me a lesson on 'how to correctly order my favorite coffee drink' that I've been ordering for 5+ years, THEN DON'T GIVE ME THE WRONG DRINK WHEN I JUST ORDERED IT FLAWLESSLY USING MY NEWLY ACQUIRED 'CORRECT ORDERING' SKILLS VIA YOUR INSTRUCTION!!
3. Dollar stores that DON'T smell like a dollar bill that's been wadded up an stuffed in the back pocket of the Feed Lot manager's waders for a month! You sell Febreeze! Use it!
4. Shock collars equipped with the in-ground sensors for kindergarten. If you've ever volunteered/worked in/subbed in/or have one, you know what I'm talking about!
5. Being forced to slam on my brakes because you've decided to move into my lane (A.K.A CUT ME OFF!) a little too closely to the front end of my car so that you could make a right hand turn into the parking lot of Rosa's Tortilla Factory...ONLY to decide at the absolute last possible moment that you don't want to turn into aforementioned parking lot! It's Rosa's!! It's the ONLY thing in the middle of the blooming field! You couldn't decide PRIOR to running me off the road that you actually DON'T want a bean-n-cheese burrito with a side of queso and chips and an order of 1 dozen tortillas to take home???? By the way, I have your plate number, AND I know the make and model of your vehicle...AND I'M OFF MY ROAD RAGE MEDS!!!
6. Telling a policeman--through the rolled up window of my moving car--"NO! I will NOT drive through the RED light, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOG, just because you're waving me through an intersection where traffic coming perpendicular to me has a GREEN light!" Did I mention that this was IN THE FOG!???
7. New traffic lights that function properly and safely. Yes, I'm talking to you TXDOT...if you install a traffic light and leave it as a blinking intersection light for a random number of months, then suddenly decide to activate the light--at random times of day--it might behoove you to inform the public! Especially since this light affects a major roadway and Starbucks! Have you tried to pull out of Starbucks during morning rush when you have no idea what to expect from said light?!
8. Writing letters to my government officials--whether local, state or federal--in order to inform them of my decisions involving the governing of our society. I also write letters to businesses that my input may benefit (hence the current in-progress development of the series "Don't Patronize Me"). .....It seems as though at least half of my UNopposed issues deal with traffic/vehicular situations...perhaps a letter to TXDOT is in order.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What's Funny to You?
I just finished a funny book that I didn't think was very funny. Did that book succeed? I don't think so.
I have never thought 'bottom' humor was very funny. Not anything about it is funny; yet this author went On and On about girlie parts, poop, burps and other gastro-nightmares. NOT funny I say! All of HER stories centered around some sort of disgusting bodily fluid.... typical for a boy, but a lady? NO!
So, I started to think if I don't think she's funny, then it's possible (even remotely) that some of you might not think PrissE and I are funny. Don't worry. That doesn't make you fail.
Let me know.... what is FUNNY to you?
I have never thought 'bottom' humor was very funny. Not anything about it is funny; yet this author went On and On about girlie parts, poop, burps and other gastro-nightmares. NOT funny I say! All of HER stories centered around some sort of disgusting bodily fluid.... typical for a boy, but a lady? NO!
So, I started to think if I don't think she's funny, then it's possible (even remotely) that some of you might not think PrissE and I are funny. Don't worry. That doesn't make you fail.
Let me know.... what is FUNNY to you?
Monday, October 12, 2009
'Mother of the Year' or 'Did I Really Say That?'; Chapter 2 (Sassy)
My mother is wonderful! She did a great job of raising me in spite of me being her oldest child. (She told me I was her 'experimental' child. She was working out all the kinks of raising kids with me, so she could do a better job with my younger siblings. Ha, ha, very funny Mom.)
I did everything in my power to break her and my father, yet they remained strong. My younger brother and sister had an easier time of it. I paved the way for an easier life. You are both welcome!
Now, I have my own children.
These words actually came out of my mouth earlier this month:
Except I screamed it. From the top of my lungs. And. I meant it.
In my defense, it is illogical to have homecoming for an entire WEEK! At our school, everyone 'does' homecoming.... from the smallest 4 year old to seniors in High School, and everyone in between. It can wear a mommy out. Smooth and completely out.
In that moment of being completely worn out, tired and zero patience left for the topic of homecoming, I said those words. You know what? It worked.
Be honest people, after this for an entire week, wouldn't you scream a little too?
I did everything in my power to break her and my father, yet they remained strong. My younger brother and sister had an easier time of it. I paved the way for an easier life. You are both welcome!
Now, I have my own children.
These words actually came out of my mouth earlier this month:
'If I hear one more word about homecoming before Monday morning, we are selling this house and moving back to the big city, where you will attend school with gang bangers and only have homecoming when you're in high school when it is logical to have homecoming!'
Except I screamed it. From the top of my lungs. And. I meant it.
In my defense, it is illogical to have homecoming for an entire WEEK! At our school, everyone 'does' homecoming.... from the smallest 4 year old to seniors in High School, and everyone in between. It can wear a mommy out. Smooth and completely out.
In that moment of being completely worn out, tired and zero patience left for the topic of homecoming, I said those words. You know what? It worked.
Be honest people, after this for an entire week, wouldn't you scream a little too?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
"Mother of The Year!" or "Did I REALLY say that?!" CH. 1 (PrissE)
I'm sure you'll agree, after "witnessing" certain interactions between my children and me, that I am not in danger of anytime soon becoming my mother. You might also be compelled to notify a therapist on my behalf...don't bother...no amount of therapy can change my genetic predisposition to "speaking a bit louder than my #1 voice," or my instinctive sarcastic response (and this IS a scientific/technical term known as ISR recently observed and noted by the experts at Starbucks--look it up)! This is not to say that, at some point in the near or distant future, I won't exhibit SOME symptoms of maternal-morphing...after all, I did live with her for 18 full years plus four more years during weekends and holidays!
SCENE:
In the middle of the foyer, just inside the front entrance through which all Wednesday night attendees/families are entering, at church Wednesday night:
Big--"Mom, can I go play in the gym for a little bit with the other boys?"
Me--"No. It's time to go home. It's 7:00 and you have a book to finish."
Big (Here's where the boy made his fatal error)--"BUT, WE NEVER GET TO PLAY ANYMORE!!! YOU NEVER LET US PLAY AFTER CHURCH IN THE GYM!"
Me (apparently a little louder than my 'number 1 voice')--"LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT 'YOU NEVER' AND 'I NEVER,' SHALL WE? FIRST, YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO WITHOUT ANY OF YOUR NEEDS MET--FOOD, SHELTER, CLOTHING, LOVE! SECOND, YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO WITHOUT HAVING SOME OF YOUR WANTS AND DESIRES MET--TOYS, FRIENDS SPENDING THE NIGHT, TRIPS, JUNKFOOD, SPORTS! THIRD, HERE'S WHAT 'I NEVER:' I NEVER BEAT YOU WITH A WIRE HANGER, I NEVER SELL YOU INTO CHILD SLAVERY, AND I NEVER BURN YOU WITH A CIGARETTE! NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION OR SHALL WE GO HOME AND BE RESPONSIBLE CITIZENS??
Big--"Can I ride with Dad?"
Little--"Me too?"
Me--"yes."
and, SCENE.
To be continued.....................................
Mothers, PMS & Contact Sports
Moms go through a lot. OK, I know dads do too, but I'm a mom, and this is my blog (right PrissE?) One day I woke up, and I had a teenager. The funny thing is, I don't even remember when or how he got potty trained. I assume he is now, or school would be calling..... who understands this dilemma?
About this time last year, I realized that I was a reluctant football mom. It wasn't something I chose, but here I was, sitting in the stands rooting for my teenager on the field. I had horrible dreams about my BABY being injured on the playing field (thanks Mom). The memory of Jag's first game is a blurr of teenagers, PMS and contact sports. It was also an 'away' game, so we ended up driving a very long way in a pouring storm.
I reluctantly told my story the next day, it went a little something like this:
Here's a pic (he's #44):
That story is funny to me now, only because I discovered it's pretty fun being a football mom. As it turns out, teenage boys only play other teenage boys, not professional NFL players.... thus, allowing the 'contact' part of the sport to be equal (or mostly). Cheering in the stands actually is fun, and boys love to play football! (at least, my boys do) Thankfully, injuries have been few and far between. I still worry a little bit, but nothing a hysterectomy couldn't cure. Hormones are not for the faint of heart.
I know you must be wondering about Amy, my friend...... I'm going to spill the beans on her soon! There will be a picture. Hide now, my friend, while you can.... soon, your secrets will be out! Ok, maybe not real secrets, but some funny stories, that's for sure!
About this time last year, I realized that I was a reluctant football mom. It wasn't something I chose, but here I was, sitting in the stands rooting for my teenager on the field. I had horrible dreams about my BABY being injured on the playing field (thanks Mom). The memory of Jag's first game is a blurr of teenagers, PMS and contact sports. It was also an 'away' game, so we ended up driving a very long way in a pouring storm.
I reluctantly told my story the next day, it went a little something like this:
Amy: How did the game go last night? Did Jag have fun rolling around in the mud?
Me: He loved it, but I'm completely worn out, and I now believe there are some things mom's shouldn't have to go through! For the record..... a mom shouldn't have to watch her BABY play in his FIRST football game on the same day she starts her period..... AND, on that same day, there shouldn't be any sort of scary drive home in the dark, on flooded, vacant highways...... ALSO, she shouldn't have to wait in the dark car, listening to the rain pitter patter down on the car waiting for previously mentioned BABY to return home from his FIRST out of town bus trip with the football team. When he arrives home, she shouldn't have to watch him exit the bus, take care of all his responsibilities, by himself, then enter the car only to have the absolute most excited face I've ever seen before.... then, previously mentioned crazy mother has to listen to him tell all about the grand adventure the evening just was, and what a marvelous time he had...... all that is too much for one insane mother, who swears that just yesterday, that BABY was wearing corrective shoes and climbing on a fireplace..... what has happened?
For the record, when Jag entered the game to actually PLAY, I did not throw up, nor surge the field... I was totally calm and didn't even need peanut m&m's to make it through.
Here's a pic (he's #44):
That story is funny to me now, only because I discovered it's pretty fun being a football mom. As it turns out, teenage boys only play other teenage boys, not professional NFL players.... thus, allowing the 'contact' part of the sport to be equal (or mostly). Cheering in the stands actually is fun, and boys love to play football! (at least, my boys do) Thankfully, injuries have been few and far between. I still worry a little bit, but nothing a hysterectomy couldn't cure. Hormones are not for the faint of heart.
I know you must be wondering about Amy, my friend...... I'm going to spill the beans on her soon! There will be a picture. Hide now, my friend, while you can.... soon, your secrets will be out! Ok, maybe not real secrets, but some funny stories, that's for sure!
Friday, October 9, 2009
People, Please.....
Work with me people. Indulge me for a moment while I spew some truth from the top of my soap box, while riding my high horse.... I can balance many things from the top of Mount 'always right' and thought you'd enjoy the view.
How many things can one person 'volunteer' to do in one year? Currently, I've lost count of my 'volunteer' jobs. Also? Currently, one of them is really quite unpleasant.
If you vote me into a 'volunteer' position, then decide you do not approve of the group's tactics, you had better have the gusto to tell it to my face, because.... I LOVE CONFRONTATION! I thrive on it! I beg you to give me an opportunity!
You know who you are, and I certainly hope you're reading this blog today. Great Snakes, please post a reply!! I'm begging!
Further, if you think one sour person can ruin a good organization that serves the children of our community, then you are sadly mistaken. I'm not the only person that serves proudly here. In fact, there are many. Many people that are taken for granted all the time. I'm sure those same people receive hateful email from you as well. Maybe you should have your 'license to email' revoked. I wonder if you'd have such a bold opinion if you had to actually attend a meeting and voice that opinion in a public forum. I'm guessing, not.
People please, if you don't have any constructive things to say, and if you find most of your time is spent sitting on your fat **ah, hem** then stay out of my way!! Certainly don't email me some vague email hatred.
How many things can one person 'volunteer' to do in one year? Currently, I've lost count of my 'volunteer' jobs. Also? Currently, one of them is really quite unpleasant.
If you vote me into a 'volunteer' position, then decide you do not approve of the group's tactics, you had better have the gusto to tell it to my face, because.... I LOVE CONFRONTATION! I thrive on it! I beg you to give me an opportunity!
You know who you are, and I certainly hope you're reading this blog today. Great Snakes, please post a reply!! I'm begging!
Further, if you think one sour person can ruin a good organization that serves the children of our community, then you are sadly mistaken. I'm not the only person that serves proudly here. In fact, there are many. Many people that are taken for granted all the time. I'm sure those same people receive hateful email from you as well. Maybe you should have your 'license to email' revoked. I wonder if you'd have such a bold opinion if you had to actually attend a meeting and voice that opinion in a public forum. I'm guessing, not.
People please, if you don't have any constructive things to say, and if you find most of your time is spent sitting on your fat **ah, hem** then stay out of my way!! Certainly don't email me some vague email hatred.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
These Two
These two boys are friends. Some might say 'best friends', but that's irrelevant. They find adventures everywhere they go.
One evening this summer, we could hear fire works popping and it's wasn't even July 4th. No worries.... it was these two popping fireworks at the friend's house. Conversation between the Bossman and Fox:
Bossman: Where did you get the fireworks?
Fox: From his mom.
Bossman: How did you light them?
Fox: With matches.
Bossman: Who gave you the matches?
Fox: His mom.
Such a sweet face! Oh, the adventures they find.
Conversation with Fox on a beautiful summer day:
Fox: Mom, where's the ladder?
Me: I have no idea.
Later.....
Fox: Mom, where's the extra garden hose?
Me: I have no idea.
Later....
Me: You two put that ladder and garden hose up and quit trying to suspend yourselves from the tree with that.
************************************************************************************
Yesterday afternoon, it was a beautiful pre-fall day, and these two were playing on the front porch. The Bossman walks by and wonders what's going on.
Bossman: What are ya'll doing?
Friends: Feeding this grasshopper.
Bossman: What are ya'll trying to feed him?
Friends: Grass.
Bossman: Why isn't it hopping around? I've never seen a grasshopper walk like that.
Friends: We ripped his back legs off so he would be able to stay on the porch and eat this grass we're trying to feed it.
Bossman (after getting a closer look): I see that now. How interesting.....
later...
Bossman: Where's the grasshopper.
Friends: We tossed him into the bushes.... he wouldn't eat the grass.
Both of these boys? I love them!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
MAMMA MIA!
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At our house, we LOVE to watch movies. Mr. Analytical and I consider ourselves "hip, informed, and altogether reasonable" parents where "parental guidance"is concerned...you know, "Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Form of...The Most Awesome yet reasonably Restrictive Parents in the World!"That said, apparently the Powers only work when the Twins are together...or at least the powers of good judgement! After an afternoon in town and leaving the kids home with, yes, Mr. Analytical, I come home to find my sweet Little and my precious Mr. Analytical both dancing and doing karaoke to the movie Mamma Mia! While it was a sight to behold, and I did enjoy their show, thoughts of moms, dads, and movie content began to tumble like Sugar Plums through my mind.
You see, Mamma Mia is a musical--loosely based on the fantastical musical stylings of none other than the awesome ABBA--about the wedding of a 20 year old girl who's grown up living with her single mom and not knowing who her dad is. Sounds pretty harmless, huh? Kind of fun and chick-flicky...but, the 20 year old has found her mom's diary in an effort to find out who her father is.
**Sidenote--it's really not a good idea to read other people's diaries...case in point, you, too, could discover that your mom was with 3 men around the time of your conception and doesn't have any idea which of the 3 is your dad!**
Moving on, the young girl invites all 3 men to her wedding so that she can figure out which one is her dad, it creates havoc, and, in the end, all who should be married are and all who shouldn't aren't. **OOOH! Another sidenote--sorry if I spoiled the movie/musical for you!**
So now, my sweet and innocent (haha) Little realizes that some moms are moms before they get married, or even IF they get married at all. And, while we Wonder Twins don't really realize that this information has been noticed, absorbed, and will eventually be assimilated at a later time--appropriately, I might add-- Little is most definitely formulating her opinions about having children and marriage as we sing and dance.
Jump ahead about 7 weeks, and to a totally different location, to a shopping trip Little and I have taken to David's Bridal in order to size and order her attire for her debut as the Flower Girl in her aunt's possible wedding. Keep in mind that when you take a 5 year old little girl--who believes herself to be a princess--into a shop filled with "princess" dresses, she's going to have her own opinions about which dress she should have, bride-be-darned!
As luck would have it, the dress chosen by her aunt is NOT the dress of Little's dreams! Go figure! We are now leaving David's Bridal in a snit--both of us--because of the ghastly nerve of the bride choosing Little's ensemble and me having a mild case of "feelings" regarding her insistence on choosing her own dress. As we walk to the car, in a huff Little says, "When I get married, I'm picking out my own kids' clothes!" I'll take a moment to pause here and ask, "Does anyone see anything in this statement that might not be quite to her Wonder Twin parents' liking? Anyone? Anything?" Well, at the risk of being politically incorrect--and if you know me, you know I don't give a rat's tail about being engaged in politics--the whole phrase was SO wrong!
To Little I respond, "Uh, no you won't." She says, "Yes I will!" Adamantly I respond, "NO. You won't! You won't HAVE kids before you get married! You'll get married first!" Calmly, quietly, and matter-of-factly, she states, "Well. Some people do. Sophie's mom in Mamma Mia did and you like that movie. You even have those songs on your iPod. So, we'll see."
All I can think at this time is, I now know what an aneurism feels like! Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! Form of..........VALIUM!
The Moral: While you, too, might think you live with "Left Brain," remember that music, movies and dancing combine "parts" in a "logical sequence" in order to create a "rational" pattern of groovy stories and tunes that are irresistible and CAN lead one astray! LEAVE A LIST OF DO's & DON'Ts!
A Dream Come True
I must introduce you to my delightful 8th grader, Jag. Jag is small for his age, but what he lacks in height, he makes up for in pure charm and good looks. I am so proud of all my little mooches, but here's a story that you'll need a kleenex for. Go ahead, get one.
Way back when.... a long time ago, when Jag was only 2 years old, we would drag him to my sister's events. My sister was in the high school and the college marching bands. We loved to go to games to watch her march. Jag loved the games too, but he was always most fascinated by the tuba players. I don't know exactly why. Those boys were always on the top of the bleachers, they were always silly and looked like they were having the most fun! Maybe that's why Jag loved them so. That year, for Christmas, Jag asked Santa for a tuba. Every subsequent year, Jag asked Santa for a tuba, but Santa just never delivered the goods.
Finally, Jag was in the 4th grade at our school, and allowed to join the band. He asked to play tuba. The band director told him that if he wanted to play tuba, he should start smaller, and work his way up. In 4th grade, Jag played trombone. His arms weren't long enough to reach 5th position. In 5th grade, Jag played baritone. A little better, but still he was fixated on the tuba. In 6th grade, he was finally allowed to play the 'small' tuba for concert band. He moved to the regular sized tuba in 7th grade.
Finally, a few months ago, Jag started summer band and was issued his first marching tuba. He put it on.... dream realized.
Wait! Um, it's heavy! Sometimes, his shoulder would hurt, but he never complained. It was a small price to pay to finally get to play his tuba. He's the littlest tuba player at our school, but he's determined.
Recently, at a Friday night football game, The Goin' Band from Raiderland came to our stadium and played with our high school kids. My gosh, I thought I would explode with excitement. I stood and cheered when they marched in. I watched anxiously as the Tech kids filed into our stands, taking their places with each appropriate section.... waiting for the moment.... yep, the moment when 4 Tech boys took their places around Jag on the top row of the bleachers.
Jag tried to play it all cool.
I could tell he was so excited! I snuck over and snapped several pictures before it got too dark. My boy never took that tuba off. The entire game, every time Tech tubas played, Jag played. Every time Tech tuba players danced a jig, Jag danced, swayed or twisted. Fox and Mav were worried.... Jag's shoulder has got to be hurtin'.
I don't think his shoulder ever hurt.
After the half time performance, Jag ran over to us to get some coke money. We could see him coming.... eyes wide open, grin on his face from ear to ear. All he said was, 'Mom, did you see me playing with the Tech band?' I sure did!
Later that night, I began to think about that 2 year old boy. I could see his face asking for a tuba. I could see him as a toddler watching the tubas play. Now, I proudly watch him playing his high school tuba, and dream of the day when he just might wear his own Goin' Band from Raiderland uniform. Here's hoping.....
Monday, October 5, 2009
Oh, Be Careful "Little's" Ears What You Hear.....
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While watching the popular reality show, The Amazing Race, one Sunday evening with the children, one of the pairs of competitors on the show was in the midst of completing one of their tasks. In the dialogue between the pair, one of the ladies said, “What the Hell?”
Let me preface this scene with the information that, our precious Little is, who we refer to as, ‘The Morality Police.’ She is prone to noticing, absorbing, and assimilating most vulgarity to which she is a witness including, but not limited to, vulgar language…….Lucky us!
Back to the scene: To which, our ‘morality police-girl,’ Little drew in the deep and long gasp that would lead the average person to passing out. Mr. Analytical says, “What is it, Little?” With that ‘tattle-tale’ look on her face, Little confidently reports, “She said the ‘W’ word!” Mr. Analytical looks quizzically at her and…yes, thinking that we escaped her noticing the ‘H’ word the girl said…he asks, “What’s the ‘W’ word, Little?” Little cups her hands around her mouth and whispers, “Whatthehell. I have to whisper it so I don’t get in trouble for saying it.”
Monday Morning Randomography
Good morning! It's Monday! I've got some random thoughts that I know you're interested in. So, here goes....
1. Under the catagory, Keeping You Safe: If you are driving in the fog, please turn on some sort of headlights. Hello? If I can't see the street signs, then I also can't see you!
2. Captain and Tenille on your Ipod just makes good sense. Try it, Love will keep us together......
3. When you are singing to yourself at the Walmart, and you round the corner at the end of the laundry soap aisle and get startled by the talking tv machine selling Tide, don't jump and laugh. The other moms in the Walmart will be on to you! If this does happen to you, the jig is up! You might as well sing loudly and talk to the chips, no one will care now. I also found out lots of people like the Captain and Tenille.
4. I love decorating for Halloween! So do my little mooches. If you'd like to drive your little mooches completely insane, put a cute LARGE Halloween candy bowl out, but leave it empty for 2 days. I was asked about 3 times per hour per day, 'what are we gonna put in that jar?' You should always reply, 'Nothing, it's just for decoration.'
5. It's FALL! Obviously, that means it's time for the fall hair do. Check it out:
It's pretty, right? And, very fall-ish. That's my cutie pie husband, the Bossman. We've been married a long time. He looks older than me, right?
6. Which brings me to a random conversation in the car yesterday. Jag was reading a flyer from church with information regarding a ski trip. The dates of the trip collide with our 20 year Wedding Anniversary. Jag was telling me to pay the deposits, and I just said, 'I don't know if you'll go this year or not. That's our 20 year Anniversary.' Out of nowhere, Fox replies, '20 Years huh, well that's pretty good. I bet no one thought you'd last that long.' What??
7. Why do pretzel goldfish taste so much better than regular pretzels? or regular goldfish?
8. SNOT. I hate it.
9. Warm brownies and milk. I love it!
I hope everyone enjoys Monday! It's a random day, soak it in....
1. Under the catagory, Keeping You Safe: If you are driving in the fog, please turn on some sort of headlights. Hello? If I can't see the street signs, then I also can't see you!
2. Captain and Tenille on your Ipod just makes good sense. Try it, Love will keep us together......
3. When you are singing to yourself at the Walmart, and you round the corner at the end of the laundry soap aisle and get startled by the talking tv machine selling Tide, don't jump and laugh. The other moms in the Walmart will be on to you! If this does happen to you, the jig is up! You might as well sing loudly and talk to the chips, no one will care now. I also found out lots of people like the Captain and Tenille.
4. I love decorating for Halloween! So do my little mooches. If you'd like to drive your little mooches completely insane, put a cute LARGE Halloween candy bowl out, but leave it empty for 2 days. I was asked about 3 times per hour per day, 'what are we gonna put in that jar?' You should always reply, 'Nothing, it's just for decoration.'
5. It's FALL! Obviously, that means it's time for the fall hair do. Check it out:
It's pretty, right? And, very fall-ish. That's my cutie pie husband, the Bossman. We've been married a long time. He looks older than me, right?
6. Which brings me to a random conversation in the car yesterday. Jag was reading a flyer from church with information regarding a ski trip. The dates of the trip collide with our 20 year Wedding Anniversary. Jag was telling me to pay the deposits, and I just said, 'I don't know if you'll go this year or not. That's our 20 year Anniversary.' Out of nowhere, Fox replies, '20 Years huh, well that's pretty good. I bet no one thought you'd last that long.' What??
7. Why do pretzel goldfish taste so much better than regular pretzels? or regular goldfish?
8. SNOT. I hate it.
9. Warm brownies and milk. I love it!
I hope everyone enjoys Monday! It's a random day, soak it in....
Friday, October 2, 2009
Safety of Kids Regarding Strangers
Parents,
As many of you know (well, all 2 of our followers and the two of us), our goal is to provide you with hours and hours of knee slapping entertainment at the expense of our families, and some helpful hints in dealing with your own similar life events. But, today I bring you some serious information in an effort to prompt us all to consistently discuss with our children their safety regarding strangers.
Two days ago, my sweet Big was playing in the front yard with two neighborhood boys. While they were playing, a silver--what one of the boys believed to be a GM model--pick up truck stopped in the middle of the street and called the boys over. At this point, we as parents would hope that the boys would think quickly and tell the driver to wait while they go in and get their parents....alas, that is not what occurred. The boys walked over to the truck. Breathe easily, no one was taken or harmed in any way...but the thoughts that rolled through my reeling mind were tragic.
The man driving wrote some information on a notepad and told the boys to give it to their parents (I'll print it all below so that you have the phone number as well as the man's first name and M.O.). At this time, my husband, Mr. Analytical, went to the door to call in Big. What he saw were the boys standing in the street at the silver pick-up. He went outside to see what was going on and the man handed the paper to the boys and drove off. Mr. Analytical never got to see the guy's face. He did question the boys and take the paper. Then, we both lectured on the dangers of approaching a stranger and a strange vehicle.
Thankfully, we did not experience the tragedy that so many families in this day and time experience. Big and Little, both, now know that they are to NEVER, under any circumstances, approach the vehicle of a stranger.
We hope no family ever has to endure the life-shredding tragedy of a missing/abducted child. Please, remind your kids on a frequent and consistent basis about the dangers of predators. Let's help each other keep our kids safe.
*If you, or anyone you know, is dealing with a missing loved one, please utilize the link titled 'The Doe Network' under "Some of Our Favorite Links" on the right side navigation tools.
Here's the photo image of the piece of paper handed to our boys. Notice the spelling of the words, "fenceing" and "morter," and the use of capital letters interspersed with lower case letters. This may indicative of his writing style.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Spelling Test Morning
** (Email story originally sent out on January 8th, 2008) **
Greetings friends and fellow moms! No one puts this sort of thing in a mom handbook, so thought I'd share this true story.....
7:20am - day of spelling test (We've only been awake a grand total of 5 minutes at this point.)
(Conversation during breakfast)
Me: is the spelling test today?
Bubs: yea
Me: can you spell the words?
Bubs: I don't know, maybe, most of them.
Me: I hate spelling tests
(Conversation, a few minutes later, before we leave for school.)
Me: Fox, spell colorful
Fox: colouerful
Me: no
Fox: (shocked and awed) what?
(Background info: Fox often uses spelling 'tricks' to remember words. They are often random and make no sense to anyone but him.)
Me: here's a trick for you, remember color only has two o's and they represent the two sides of your butt that I'm gonna kick if you don't do well on this spelling test
** strange look from the bubs **
Me: spell colorful
Fox: colorful
Me: see? it worked!
Fox: ** silent, eye roll **
Me: Mav, spell wonderful
Mav: wonderful, I can spell them all
Me: did you hear the trick I told Fox?
Mav: yes
Me: do you think it will help you?
Mav: probably not
Me: everyone get in the car
How many more weeks of school?
More to the point, how many more spelling tests?
YUCK!!
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